Harlan Pepper: I used to be able to name every nut that there was. And it used to drive my mother crazy, because she used to say, "Harlan Pepper, if you don't stop naming nuts," and the joke was that we lived in Pine Nut, and I think that's what put it in my mind at that point. So she would hear me in the other room, and she'd just start yelling. I'd say, "Peanut. Hazelnut. Cashew nut. Macadamia nut." That was the one that would send her into going crazy. She'd say, "Would you stop naming nuts!" And Hubert used to be able to make the sound, he couldn't talk, but he'd go "rrrawr rrawr" and that sounded like Macadamia nut. Pine nut, which is a nut, but it's also the name of a town. Pistachio nut. Red pistachio nut. Natural, all natural white pistachio nut.

Hamilton Swan: Don't look at the fat ass losers or freaks, look at me!

Dr. Theodore W. Millbank III: And really, I think what we're talking about is standards, basically; very, very specific, rigid, you could say, but in this world where would we be without them, I think. And notice where we are.

Sherri Ann Cabot: Leslie and I have an amazing relationship and it's very physical, he still pushes all my buttons. People say 'oh but he's so much older than you' and you know what, I'm the one having to push him away. We have so much in common, we both love soup and snow peas, we love the outdoors, and talking and not talking. We could not talk or talk forever and still find things to not talk about.

Buck Laughlin: Tell me, do you know the difference between a rectal thermometer and a tongue depressor?
Nurse: Uh, no.
Buck Laughlin: Remind me never to come to you for a physical!

Buck Laughlin: Am I nuts? Something's wrong with his feet.
Trevor Beckwith: I never thought I'd find myself saying this, but you're right.
Buck Laughlin: He's got two left feet.

Scott Donlan: She looks like a cocktail waitress on an oil rig.

Gerry Fleck: [after Scott introduces himself as Mary and shows them the pants he hand-stitched] Well you must be very "proud Mary".
Scott Donlan: Oh my goodness. Who are you all of a sudden?
Stefan Vanderhoof: Good baby boomer gag.
Cookie Fleck: Who's that in the burgundy jacket? Mr Hip.

...but you see, you think they drop like rocks, they don't. He hit a gargoyle on the way down and this guy gets his head caught in the gargoyle's mouth. The head [snaps fingers] pops off like a grape. The body continues to spin down like a whirl-a-gig. When they hit, everything pops out. It's like a piƱata. The intestines, like they're spring-loaded, pop out.

Doctor, question that's always bothered me and a lot of people: Mayflower, combined with Philadelphia - a no-brainer, right? Cause this is where the Mayflower landed. Not so. It turns out Columbus actually set foot somewhere down in the West Indies. Little known fact. How does the name "Mayflower" get up to the Quaker City?

Hamilton Swan: [when Beatrice goes to lick his face] Don't!... not the lips...

Hotel Manager: We have you down for a queen.
Scott Donlan: What are you suggesting... my dear man?

Gerry Fleck: She had dozens of boyfriends.
Cookie Fleck': Hundreds.
Gerry Fleck: Hundreds?
Cookie Fleck: Yeah, hundreds.
Gerry Fleck: Well, I did not know that.

Christy Cummings: We started this magazine, 'American Bitch'. It's a focus on the issues of the lesbian pure bred dog owner.

Scott Donlan: [upon seeing Christy & Sherri Ann passionately reveal their love for each other on live television] Rhapsody has two mommies.