BASEketball quotes

View Quote Doug Remer: We win, and they get the chicks. That sucks, dude.
Joe Cooper: I'm telling you, it's jobs. We gotta get jobs. Then we get the khakis. Then we get the chicks.

View Quote Dan Patrick: With the first nine months of the Baseketball postseason out of the way, the playoff picture is starting to emerge.
Kenny Mayne: So, with last night's victory over Boston, next week the Milwaukee Beers must beat Indianapolis in order to advance to Charlotte. That's in an effort to reduce their magic number to three.
Dan Patrick: Right, and then the Beers can advance to the National Eastern Division North to play Tampa.
Kenny Mayne: So, if the Beers beat Detroit and Denver beats Atlanta in the American Southwestern Division East Northern, then Milwaukee goes to the Denslow Cup, unless Baltimore can upset Buffalo and Charlotte ties Toronto, then Oakland would play LA and Pittsburgh in a blind choice round robin. And if no clear winner emerges from all of this, a two-man sack race will be held on consecutive Sundays until a champion can be crowned.
Dan Patrick: Right,

View Quote [Coop and Reemer are fighting] Hey! Would you just stop it? Would you just hold on a minute? Look at you guys... fighting on the Malaka-Laka board! You should be ashamed of yourselves! Back in the driveway, we were nothing! Now we've risen to the highest level, but you're throwin' it all away! If you've forgotten what BASEketball means to America, you have only to look at this board - the Malaka-Laka Balance Board of Trust. Don't you see what we have here? A game where guys with bad backs and bad knees can... get together and compete on the same field as guys that are all goosed up on steroids. But more than anything, isn't this game about gettin' together with your friends and just havin' a good time? I remember. I remember a long time ago, I didn't have anybody. You guys took me in. I guess that's why it kills me to see you like this. If we can't be friends... then the heart and soul are out of this game. Certainly out of me. I know I'll never get that back again. We have sullied the waters of the Lagoon of Peace! I'm begging you, for the love of our Caribbean brothers, dudes, stop this madness!

View Quote [standing at the front door]
Joe Cooper: It's Coop and Remer.
Doug Remer: We graduated with Britney.
Dr. Kaiser: You graduated?
Joe Cooper: Of course we graduated, **** - Beer?
[in the house]
Doug Remer: Man this place looks like a Dockers commercial.
Joe Cooper: Oh hey, Stef!
Stephanie: Coop! Remer!
Joe Cooper: You wanna beer?
Stephanie: Oh, my God, you guys haven't changed since High School!
Joe Cooper: Oh, cool.
Stephanie: No, it isn't.
Joe Cooper: ****. Hey, Skidmark Steve, cool. You sill hangin' out, playin' Nintendo?
“Skidmark” Steve: Well, if you must know, I'm in my second year of med school and I'm training for the Summer Games. What are you two up to?
Joe Cooper: Just hanging out. Playing Nintendo. ****.

View Quote Doug Remer: Your bed is over here.
[indicates a dog bed]
Kenny Scolari: Dude, that is so ****in' weak! How am I supposed to get a chick in that?
Joe Cooper: Oh, don't worry, dude. You couldn't get a chick if you had a hundred dollar bill hanging out of your zipper.
Kenny Scolari: Yeah I could.
Doug Remer: No. Dude, you're a little bitch!
Kenny Scolari: I am not! I don't even know why I hang out with you guys, anyway.
Joe Cooper: 'Cause you're a piece of shit.
Kenny Scolari: I am not a piece of shit!
Doug Remer: Yeah, but you're a little bitch.
Kenny Scolari: Goddammit! I swear if you guys rip on me 13 or 14 more times... I'm outta here!

View Quote Circulating nurse: This kid's eight years old and he smells like Robert Downey Jr.
[in song] Your life's spinning out of control, it seems the whole world it's out to get you, but you can't let it bring you down no you've got to fight-eh, CAUSE you try but you can't let gooooo. It's when your down that you gotta get up-a, don't let 'em walk all over your face-eh, stand up for yourself and make everything a-right again. Even when some guy's tryin-a blackmail you, and your girlfriend thinks you suck, it's up to you to let them know that it was all just part of some rich guy's evil plan. Look out ahead, there's a truck changing lanes, you got some yellow crumbs on your upper lip, and those warts on your dick aren't gonna go away unless you start using topical cream everyday .....
Singer: [singing] And those warts on your dick aren't gonna go away, unless you use topical cream everyday.
Bob Costas: And joining us in the booth this evening, big fan of BASEketball, Tony Nocholino, who plays, as you know, Latino cut-up "Scooter" on the new hit comedy series "What's the Difference?" airing between "Recycled Junk" starring Lisa Campbell and "Same Old Crap" featuring teen heartthrob Mark Swenson, all part of the great fall lineup on our network's "Who gives a rat's ass?" Thursdays.
Narrator: Soon it was commonplace for entire teams to change cities in search of greater profits. The Minneapolis Lakers moved to Los Angeles where there are no lakes. The Oilers moved to Tennessee where there is no oil. The Jazz moved to Salt Lake City where they don't allow music.
Narrator: The Raiders moved from Oakland to LA back to Oakland, no-one seemed to notice.
Bob Costas: You're excited? Feel these nipples!

View Quote Doug Remer: Oh, I'll come, I love hospitals.
Joe Cooper: No you don't, you like Taco Bell!
Doug Remer: No, one time I was at this hospital, in france, and I met this great chick.
Joe Cooper: Dude, that was a hostel.

View Quote Jenna Reed: Excuse me, driver? Can you go any faster?
Dale Earnhardt: [looks back] Can I go any faster?
[puts on his trademark black Goodwrench race helmet and accelerates the taxi]
Dale Earnhardt: HANG ON!

View Quote Joe Cooper: Oh, don't worry, dude. You couldn't get a chick if you had a hundred dollar bill hanging out your zipper
Kenny Scolari: Yeah, I could
Doug Remer: No, dude, you're a little bitch
Kenny Scolari: I am not! I don't even know why I hang out with you guys!
Joe Cooper: ...cause you're a piece of shit
Kenny Scolari: I am not a piece of shit!
Doug Remer: Well, yeah, but you're a little bitch
Joe Cooper: Sure are!
Kenny Scolari:
Kenny Scolari: God-damnit man! I swear you guys rip on me 13 or 14 more times, I'm outta here!

View Quote Doug Remer: He's flat-lining!
Joe Cooper: Quick, where are those little heart paddles? The ones George Clooney uses!
Kenny Scolari: No! Not those!
Joe Cooper: Clear!
Kenny Scolari: Clear!
Kenny Scolari: [takes Joey's pulse]
Kenny Scolari: No pulse!
Joe Cooper: Turn up the power! 10,000 volts!
Doug Remer: 10,000 volts!
Joe Cooper: Clear!
Kenny Scolari: Clear!
[Speak fails to clear, gets electrocuted]
Doug Remer: Dude, it's not working!
Joe Cooper: Turn it up! 15,000 volts!
Doug Remer: 15,000 volts!
Kenny Scolari: [ears smoking] No...
[Sqeak is thrown back from the shock]
Doug Remer: Dude, do you even know what you're doing?
Joe Cooper: What does it look like?
Doug Remer: An execution?
Joe Cooper: Damn it man I'm trying to save an innocent life!
Doug Remer: I'm giving you all I've got captain!
Joe Cooper: I love ya always have. Heh.
Doug Remer: Heh.
Joe Cooper: CLEAR!

View Quote Bob Costas: It's hard to believe that just five years ago this game was played only in driveways.
Al Michaels: [camera shifts to Beers cheerleaders] Yes, it's also hard to believe that just five years ago those girls were only in grade school.

View Quote Joe Cooper: What is something you really want?
Joey: Chelsea Clinton.
Joe Cooper: That's a tough order, dude.
Doug Remer: You'd have a better shot at Bill.

View Quote Joe Cooper: Thanks a lot, Doctor Dickhead! You totally ****ed me there!
Doug Remer: Dude, relax. It was a joke.
Joe Cooper: Why don't you give it up! She doesn't even like you!
Doug Remer: You think she got the hots for you? Shit. Squeak has a better chance that you do.
Kenny Scolari: Hey, you think?
Joe Cooper: That is low. You son of a bitch.
Kenny Scolari: Why is that low?
Doug Remer: Dude, I know you're feeling jealous right now. Don't blame me because I have a sweet ass! I can't help it!

View Quote [trying to psych out a player in their very first game]
Doug Remer: Ugh! One of Britney's moms pubic hairs!
[pulls hairs from mouth]
Basketball player: [disgusted voice] Psh... Ohhhh man!
Joe Cooper: HAH! You lose! Dude that was a SWEET psyche-out!
Doug Remer: Reemer: UGH HERES ANOTHER ONE!
[pulls out more hairs from teeth]

View Quote (To Reggie Jackson): I don't have your ****ing ball!