American Beauty quotes

View Quote Brad Dupree: [reading Lester's job description] "My job consists of basically masking my contempt for the assholes in charge, and, at least once a day, retiring to the men's room so I can jerk off while I fantasize about a life that doesn't so closely resemble Hell." Well, you have absolutely no interest in saving yourself.
Lester: Brad, for 14 years I've been a whore for the advertising industry. The only way I could save myself now is if I start firebombing.
...
Lester: Well what do you say I throw in a little sexual harassment charge to boot.
Brad Dupree: Against who?
Lester: Against YOU. Can you prove that you didn't offer to save my job if I let you blow me?
Brad Dupree: Man, you are one twisted ****.
Lester: Nope, I'm just an ordinary guy with nothing to lose.

View Quote Carolyn: What are you doing?
Lester: Nothing.
Carolyn: You were masturbating!
Lester: I was not.
Carolyn: Yes you were!
Lester: Oh, all right! So shoot me, I was whacking off! That's right, I was choking the bishop, chafing the carrot, you know, saying "hi" to my monster!
Carolyn: Thats disgusting.
Lester: Well forgive me, but some of us still have blood pumping through our veins.
Carolyn: So do I!
Lester: Really? Well I'm the only one who seems to be doing anything about it.
Carolyn: [Gets out of bed and turns on the light] Lester, I refuse to live like this; This is not a marriage.
Lester: This hasn't been a marriage for years, but you were happy as long as I kept my mouth shut. Well tell you what, I've changed, and the new me whacks off when he feels horny, because you're obviously not gonna help me out in that department.
Carolyn: Oh, I see. You think you're the only one who's sexually frustrated here?
Lester: I'm not? Well then come on, baby, I'm ready!
Carolyn: Don't you mess with me, mister, or I'll divorce you so fast it'll make your head spin!
Lester: On what grounds? I'm not a drunk, I don't **** other women, I've never hit you, I don't mistreat you... I don't even try to touch you since you've made it so abundantly clear how unnecessary you consider me to be! But I did support you when you got your license, and some people might think that entitles me to half of what's yours. So, turn off the light when you come to bed!

View Quote It was one of those days when it's a minute away from snowing and there's this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it. And this bag was, like, dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. And that's the day I realized there was this entire life behind things, and... this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video's a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember... and I need to remember... Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in.

View Quote Carolyn: [at the dinner table] Your father and I were just discussing his day at work. Why don't you tell our daughter about it, honey?
Lester: Janie, today I quit my job. And then I told my boss to go **** himself, and then I blackmailed him for almost sixty thousand dollars. Pass the asparagus.
Carolyn: Your father seems to think this type of behavior is something to be proud of.
Lester: And your mother seems to prefer I go through life like a ****ing prisoner while she keeps my dick in a mason jar under the sink.
Carolyn: How dare you speak to me that way in front of her. And I marvel that you can be so contemptuous of me, on the same day that you LOSE your job.
Lester: Lose it? I didn't lose it. It's not like, "Whoops! Where'd my job go?" I QUIT. Someone pass me the asparagus.
...
Lester: I am sick and tired of being treated like I don't exist. You two do whatever you want, whenever you want to do it, and I don't complain.
Carolyn: Oh, you don't complain? Then I must be psychotic, then! What is this? Yeah, let's bring in the laugh-meter and see how loud it gets.
Lester: [throws the asparagus plate at the wall] Don't interrupt me, honey!
Lester: [sits back down to eat] Oh, yeah, and one more thing, from now on we're going to have alternate dinner music because frankly - and I don't think I'm alone here - [looks in Jane's direction] I'm tired of this Lawrence Welk shit!

View Quote Both my wife and daughter think I'm this gigantic loser and they're right, I have lost something. I'm not exactly sure what it is but I know I didn't always feel this... sedated. But you know what? It's never too late to get it back.

View Quote I had always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die. First of all, that one second isn't a second at all, it stretches on forever, like an ocean of time. For me, it was lying on my back at Boy Scout Camp, watching falling stars. And yellow leaves, from the maple trees that lined our street. Or my grandmother's hands, and the way her skin seemed like paper. And the first time I saw my cousin Tony's brand new Firebird. And Janie... and Janie. And... Carolyn. I guess I could be really pissed off about what happened to me, but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst. And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain. And I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life. You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday.

View Quote Colonel Frank Fitts: Don't placate me like I'm your mother, boy.
Ricky: Excuse me for speaking so bluntly sir. But those ****s make me want to puke my ****ing guts out.
Colonel Frank Fitts: [cautiously, after a long pause] Well, me too son. Me too.

View Quote That's my wife, Carolyn. See the way the handle on her pruning shears matches her gardening clogs? That's not an accident.

View Quote Angela: I'm serious. He just pulled down his pants and yanked it out. You know, like, "Say hello to Mr. Happy."
Playground Girl #1: Gross.
Angela: It wasn't gross. It was kinda cool.
Playground Girl #1: So did you do it with him?
Angela: Of course I did. He's like a really well known photographer. He shoots for "Elle" on like a regular basis. It would have been so majorly stupid of me to turn him down.
Playground Girl #2: You are a total prostitute.
Angela: Hey! That's how things really are. You just don't know 'cause you're this pampered little suburban chick.
Playground Girl #2: So are you. You've only been in 'Seventeen' once and you looked fat! So stop acting like you're goddamn Christy Turlington!
[The two girls walk away]
Angela: ****! I am so sick of people taking their insecurities out on me.

View Quote 1970 Pontiac Firebird. The car I've always wanted and now I have it. I rule!

View Quote I'm looking for the least possible amount of responsibility.

View Quote Oh, it's okay. I wouldn't remember me either.

View Quote Colonel Frank Fitts: Where's your wife?
Lester: Uh, I dunno. Probably out ****ing that dorky, prince-of-real-estate asshole. And you know what? I don't care.
Colonel Frank Fitts: Your wife is with another man and you don't care?
Lester: Nope. Our marriage is just for show. A commercial for how normal we are when we're anything but.

View Quote Angela: Yeah? Well at least I'm not ugly!
Ricky: Yes you are. And you're boring. And totally ordinary...and you know it.

View Quote It's a great thing when you realize you still have the ability to surprise yourself.