Buddy King quotes

In order to be successful, one must project an image of success at all times.

Brad Dupree: Hey Les, you got a minute?
Lester: For you Brad? I've got five!
...
Ricky: Do you party?
Lester: Excuse me?
Ricky: Do you get high?

Brad Dupree: [reading Lester's job description] "My job consists of basically masking my contempt for the assholes in charge, and, at least once a day, retiring to the men's room so I can jerk off while I fantasize about a life that doesn't so closely resemble Hell." Well, you have absolutely no interest in saving yourself.
Lester: Brad, for 14 years I've been a whore for the advertising industry. The only way I could save myself now is if I start firebombing.
...
Lester: Well what do you say I throw in a little sexual harassment charge to boot.
Brad Dupree: Against who?
Lester: Against YOU. Can you prove that you didn't offer to save my job if I let you blow me?
Brad Dupree: Man, you are one twisted ****.
Lester: Nope, I'm just an ordinary guy with nothing to lose.

Carolyn: What are you doing?
Lester: Nothing.
Carolyn: You were masturbating!
Lester: I was not.
Carolyn: Yes you were!
Lester: Oh, all right! So shoot me, I was whacking off! That's right, I was choking the bishop, chafing the carrot, you know, saying "hi" to my monster!
Carolyn: Thats disgusting.
Lester: Well forgive me, but some of us still have blood pumping through our veins.
Carolyn: So do I!
Lester: Really? Well I'm the only one who seems to be doing anything about it.
Carolyn: [Gets out of bed and turns on the light] Lester, I refuse to live like this; This is not a marriage.
Lester: This hasn't been a marriage for years, but you were happy as long as I kept my mouth shut. Well tell you what, I've changed, and the new me whacks off when he feels horny, because you're obviously not gonna help me out in that department.
Carolyn: Oh, I see. You think you're the only one who's sexually frustrated here?
Lester: I'm not? Well then come on, baby, I'm ready!
Carolyn: Don't you mess with me, mister, or I'll divorce you so fast it'll make your head spin!
Lester: On what grounds? I'm not a drunk, I don't **** other women, I've never hit you, I don't mistreat you... I don't even try to touch you since you've made it so abundantly clear how unnecessary you consider me to be! But I did support you when you got your license, and some people might think that entitles me to half of what's yours. So, turn off the light when you come to bed!

Carolyn: [at the dinner table] Your father and I were just discussing his day at work. Why don't you tell our daughter about it, honey?
Lester: Janie, today I quit my job. And then I told my boss to go **** himself, and then I blackmailed him for almost sixty thousand dollars. Pass the asparagus.
Carolyn: Your father seems to think this type of behavior is something to be proud of.
Lester: And your mother seems to prefer I go through life like a ****ing prisoner while she keeps my dick in a mason jar under the sink.
Carolyn: How dare you speak to me that way in front of her. And I marvel that you can be so contemptuous of me, on the same day that you LOSE your job.
Lester: Lose it? I didn't lose it. It's not like, "Whoops! Where'd my job go?" I QUIT. Someone pass me the asparagus.
...
Lester: I am sick and tired of being treated like I don't exist. You two do whatever you want, whenever you want to do it, and I don't complain.
Carolyn: Oh, you don't complain? Then I must be psychotic, then! What is this? Yeah, let's bring in the laugh-meter and see how loud it gets.
Lester: [throws the asparagus plate at the wall] Don't interrupt me, honey!
Lester: [sits back down to eat] Oh, yeah, and one more thing, from now on we're going to have alternate dinner music because frankly - and I don't think I'm alone here - [looks in Jane's direction] I'm tired of this Lawrence Welk shit!

Carolyn: Are you trying to look unattractive?
Jane: Yes.
Carolyn: Well, congratulations. You've succeeded admirably.

Ricky: It's like God's looking right at you, just for a second, and if you're careful you can look right back.
Jane: And what do you see?
Ricky: Beauty.

Lester: You don't think it's kinda weird & fascist?
Carolyn: Possibly, but you don't want to be unemployed.
Lester: Oh well, alright, let's all sell our souls and work for Satan because it's more convenient that way.

Mr. Smiley's Manager: I don't think you'd fit in here.
Lester: I have fast food experience.
Mr. Smiley's Manager: Yeah, like twenty years ago!
Lester: Well, I'm sure there have been amazing technological advances in the industry, but surely you must have some sort of training program. It seems unfair to presume I won't be able to learn.

Jane: [On Lester] Could he be any more pathetic?
Angela: I think it's sweet. And I think he and your mother have not had sex in a long time.

Ricky: Mom, I don't eat bacon.
Barbara: I'm sorry, I must have forgotten...

Angela: I'm serious. He just pulled down his pants and yanked it out. You know, like, "Say hello to Mr. Happy."
Playground Girl #1: Gross.
Angela: It wasn't gross. It was kinda cool.
Playground Girl #1: So did you do it with him?
Angela: Of course I did. He's like a really well known photographer. He shoots for "Elle" on like a regular basis. It would have been so majorly stupid of me to turn him down.
Playground Girl #2: You are a total prostitute.
Angela: Hey! That's how things really are. You just don't know 'cause you're this pampered little suburban chick.
Playground Girl #2: So are you. You've only been in 'Seventeen' once and you looked fat! So stop acting like you're goddamn Christy Turlington!
[The two girls walk away]
Angela: ****! I am so sick of people taking their insecurities out on me.

Angela: Yeah? Well at least I'm not ugly!
Ricky: Yes you are. And you're boring. And totally ordinary...and you know it.

Jane: [Referring to Lester] He has this crush on my friend Angela and it's disgusting.
Ricky: You'd rather he had the crush on you?
Jane: No! But it would be nice if I was anywhere near as important to him as she is...

Carolyn: Don't you mess with me, mister, or I'll divorce you so fast it'll make your head spin!
Lester: On what grounds? I'm not a drunk, I don't **** other women, I've never hit you, I don't mistreat you... I don't even try to touch you since you've made it so abundantly clear how unnecessary you consider me to be! But I did support you when you got your license, and some people might think that entitles me to half of what's yours. So, turn off the light when you come to bed!

Carolyn: Well, I see you're smoking pot now. I think using psychotropic drugs is a very positive example to set for our daughter.
Lester: You're one to talk, you bloodless, money-grabbing freak.

Lester: When I was your age, I flipped burgers all summer just to be able to buy an eight-track.
Ricky: That sucks.
Lester: No, actually it was great. All I did was party and get laid. I had my whole life ahead of me.

Colonel Frank Fitts: Don't placate me like I'm your mother, boy.
Ricky: Excuse me for speaking so bluntly sir. But those fags make me want to puke my ****ing guts out.
Colonel Frank Fitts: [cautiously, after a long pause] Well, me too son. Me too.

Lester: So Janie, how was school?
Jane: It was okay.
Lester: Just okay?
Jane: [sarcastically] No dad, it was spectacular.

Ricky: I was filming this dead bird.
Angela: Why?
Ricky: Because it's beautiful.

Angela: So, you're ****ing psycho-boy on a regular basis now? Tell me, has he got a big dick?
Jane: It's not like that.
Angela: What, hasn't he got one?
Jane: I'm not going to talk about his dick with you, OK?

Jane: I don't think we can be friends anymore.
Angela: You're way too uptight about sex.
Jane: Just don't **** my dad, all right? Please?
Angela: Why not?

Angela: [referring to Ricky] Jane, he's a freak!
Jane: Then so am I! And we'll always be freaks and we'll never be like other people and you'll never be a freak because you're just too... perfect!

Jane: [referring to Lester] Somebody should just put him out of his misery.
Ricky: Do you want me to kill him?
Jane: Yeah, would you?

Ricky: You know, that's not a very nice thing to do. Hiring somone to kill your dad.
Jane: Well then I guess I'm not a very nice girl then, am I?

Ricky: You're right, I suck dick for money.
Colonel Frank Fitts: Boy...
Ricky Fitts: Two thousand dollars, I'm that good.
Colonel Frank Fitts: Get out.
Ricky: And you should see me ****. I'm the best piece of ass in three states.
[Colonel Fitts threatens to hit Ricky]
Colonel Frank Fitts: Get out! I don't ever want to see you again.
Ricky: What a sad old man you are.

Colonel Frank Fitts: Where's your wife?
Lester: Uh, I dunno. Probably out ****ing that dorky, prince-of-real-estate asshole. And you know what? I don't care.
Colonel Frank Fitts: Your wife is with another man and you don't care?
Lester: Nope. Our marriage is just for show. A commercial for how normal we are when we're anything but.

Angela: What do you want?
Lester: Are you kidding? I want you.

Lester: How's Jane?
Angela: What do you mean?
Lester: I mean, how's her life? Is she happy? Is she miserable? I'd really like to know, and she'd die before she'd ever tell me about it.
Angela: She's... she's really happy. She thinks she's in love.
Lester: Good for her.
Angela: How are you?
Lester: God, it's been a long time since anybody asked me that... I'm great.
Angela: I've gotta go to the bathroom.
Lester: I'm great.

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