Most-quoted character in The Wolf of Wall Street (2013): in 27 of its 37 quotes
Most scenes with: Donnie Azoff (4), Mark Hanna (3), Naomi Lapaglia (3)
So you listen to me and you listen well. Are you behind on your credit card bills? Good! Pick up the phone and start dialing! Is your landlord ready to evict you? Good! Pick up the phone and start dialing! Does your girlfriend think you're a **** worthless loser? Good! Pick up the phone and start dialing! I want you to deal with your problems by becoming rich! All you have to do today is pick up that phone and speak the words that I have taught you. And I will make you richer than the most powerful CEO in the United States of **** America!
Jordan Belfort My name is Jordan Belfort. I'm a former member of the middle class raised by two accountants in a tiny apartment in Bayside, Queens. The year I turned 26, as the head of my own brokerage firm, I made $49 million, which really pissed me off because it was three shy of a million a week.
Jordan Belfort You want to know what money sounds like? Go to a trading floor on Wall Street. "****" this, "shit" that, "****", "****", "asshole"; I couldn't believe how these guys talked to each other. I was hooked in seconds. It was like main-lining adrenaline.
Jordan Belfort On a daily basis I consume enough drugs to sedate Manhattan, Long Island, and Queens for a month. I take Quaaludes 10-15 times a day for my "back pain", Adderall to stay focused, Xanax to take the edge off, pot to mellow me out, cocaine to wake me back up again, and morphine... Well, because it's awesome.
Jordan Belfort The Quaalude, or Lude, as it is commonly referred to, was first synthesized in 1951 by an Indian doctor -that's dots, not feathers- as a sedative, and was prescribed to stressed-out housewives with sleep disorders. But, pretty soon, somebody figured out that if you resisted the urge to sleep for just 15 minutes, you got a pretty kick-ass high from it. Didn't take long for people to start abusing Ludes, of course, and in 1982, the U.S. Government "Schedule 1'd" them, along with the rest of the world. Which meant there was only a finite amount of these things left. No shit. You can't even buy them, anymore. You people are all shit out of luck.
Jordan Belfort Let me tell you something. There's no nobility in poverty. I've been a poor man, and I've been a rich man. And I choose rich every **** time.
Jordan Belfort An IPO is an initial public offering. It's a first time a stock is offered for sale to the general population. Now as the firm taking the company public, we set the initial sales price, then sold those shares right back to our friends. The i- Look, I-I know you're not following what I'm saying anyway, right? That's-that's okay. That doesn't matter. The real question is this: was all this legal? Absolutely **** not. But we were making more money than we knew what do with.
Jordan Belfort I **** her brains out... for eleven seconds.
Jordan Belfort This right here is the land of opportunity. This is America. This is my home! The show goes on! [quoting from Norma Rae] They're gonna need to send in the National Guard to take me out, 'cause I ain't going nowhere!
Jordan Belfort I clean up my act, I did rehab, I'm a TV personality, I'm sober for two years, and THIS happens. Rugrat goes and gets busted down in Miami, and guess who the **** with? Saurel. I mean, what are the **** odds? There had to be 10,000 Swiss bankers in Geneva, and Rugrat gets the one dumb enough to get himself arrested on U.S. soil. Even more ****, was that he got busted for shit that had nothing to do with me. It had nothing to **** do with me! Something about laundering drug money through off-shore boat racing and a guy named Rocky Aoki. You know, the founder of Benihana. Benihana? Beni-****-hana? BENI-****-HANA?! WHY?! WHY, WHY, GOD?! Why would You be so cruel as to choose a chain of **** hibachi restaurants to take me down?!
Jordan Belfort The only thing standing between you and your goal is the bullshit story you keep telling yourself as to why you can’t achieve it.
Jordan Belfort Men engaging in dwarf tossing when film freeze frames My name is Jordan Belfort. Freeze frame when dwarf is about to hit target Not him. Film shows protagonist Me. That's right. I'm a former member of the middle class raised by two accountants in a tiny apartment in Bayside, Queens. The year I turned 26, as the head of my own brokerage firm, I made $49 million, which really pissed me off because it was three shy of a million a week.
Jordan Belfort Thank God Aunt Emma didn’t need too much convincing. Turned out the British weren’t too different from the Swiss; money talks and bullshit takes the bus. How do you say “rat hole” in British?
Jordan Belfort Mr. Hanna, you're able to do drugs during the day and then still function, still do your job?
How the **** else are you supposed to do this job? Cocaine and hookers, my friend.
Get us two Absolut martinis. You know how I like 'em, straight up. In 7 and 1/2 minutes, you will bring us two more, then two more every 5 minutes after that, until one of us passes the **** out.
Excellent strategy, sir.
Jordan Oh, I'm good with water for now.
It's his first day on Wall Street. Give him time.
The name of the game; move the money from the client's pocket into your pocket.
Jordan Right. But, if you can make your clients money at the same time it's advantageous to everyone, correct?
No. Number one rule of Wall Street: Nobody - I don't care if you're Warren Buffett or Jimmy Buffett - Nobody knows if the stock's going to go up, down, sideways, or in **** circles, least of all stockbrokers. It's all a Fugazzi. You know what a Fugazzi is?
Jordan It's, uh... "Fugazi", it's a fake...
Fugazi, Fugazzi. It's a wazzy, it's a woozy. It's [whistles] fairy dust. It doesn't exist. It's Neverlanded. It is no matter. It's not on the elemental chart. It's not **** real. Stay with me. We don't create shit. We don't build anything. So if you've got a client who bought stock at 8 and it now sits at 16, and he's all ****in' happy. He wants to cash in, liquidate, take his ****in' money and run home. You don't let him do that, because that would make it real. No. What do you do? You get another brilliant idea. A special idea. Another "situation". Another stock, to reinvest his earnings and then some. And he will, every single time, because they're **** addicted. And then you just keep doing this, again and again and again and again. Meanwhile, he thinks he's getting shit rich, which he is, on paper. But you and me, the brokers, we're taking home cold hard cash via commission, mother****er!
How much money you make?
Jordan $70,000 last month.
Get the **** outta here!
Jordan Well technically, $72,000 last month.
You show me a pay stub for $72,000, I quit my job right now and work for you.
Jordan Does Daddy get a kiss from both of his little girls?
Oh, no. No, Daddy doesn't even get to touch Mommy for a very, very... very long time.
Jordan Daddy's really sorry about what he said in the other room, he didn't mean any of it!
Daddy shouldn't waste his time. And from now on... it's gonna be nothing but short, short skirts around the house. And you know something else, Daddy? Mommy is just so sick and tired of wearing panties.
Jordan Yeah?
Yeah... [pushes him away with her legs] But no touching.
Jordan Belfort Oh, gosh.
Jordan I heard some stupid shit. I... I didn't even want to bring it up. It's just... stupid.
Shit with me?
Jordan People say shit... I don't even know. I don't even listen to it half the time.
What do they say?
Jordan Shit about you and your cousin or something like that. I don't even listen to it. It doesn't even...
No... it's not like that. It's not like that.
Jordan I mean like, you married your cousin or some stupid shit.
Yeah, my wife is my cousin or whatever, but it's not like what you think.
Jordan Is she like, a first cousin?
Her father is the brother of my mom. Like, we grew up together, and she grew up hot, you know, she **** grew up hot. And all my friends are trying to **** her, you know, and I'm not gonna let one of these assholes **** my cousin. So I used the cousin thing, as like, an in with her. I'm not like, gonna let someone else **** my cousin, you know? If anyone's gonna **** my cousin, it's gonna be me. Out of respect.
Jordan Well, you know, when you sail on a boat fit for a Bond villain, sometimes you need to play the part. [Pauses] I think it's time you both get the **** off my boat. Whaddya say?
You know, Jordan, I'll tell you something. Most of the Wall Street jackasses that I bust... They're to the manor born. Their fathers are douchebags, just like their fathers before them. But you, you, Jordan, you got this way all on your own.
Jordan Did I?
Good for you, little man.
Jordan Little man? [Laughing] Me, the little man?
Let me tell you something else. Honestly, I'm not bullshitting here, this is one of the nicest boats that I've ever been on. I gotta tell you.
Jordan I bet it is.
And you wanna know what I was just thinking too? The **** hero I'm gonna be back at the office when the Bureau seizes this **** boat. Because, I mean, ****ety **** ****, Jordan, look at this thing! It's beautiful! And you got the beautiful girls there. It's wonderful.
Jordan All right, get the **** off my boat.
Jordan I'm sure. Good luck on that subway ride home to your miserable ugly ****in' wives. I'm gonna have Heidi lick some caviar off my balls in the meantime. Hey, you guys wanna take some lobsters for your ride home? [Picks up a pair of lobsters and throws them after the two agents] ****in' miserable pricks, I know you can't afford them! ****in' cheap ****s!
Jordan You want a beer, pal?
What are you drinkin'?
Jordan I got this non-alcoholic shit...
What's that?
Jordan It's like a non-alcoholic beer. It's got no... no alcohol.
It's a beer?
Jordan Yeah, with no alcohol.
But, you drink enough and... you drink a lot and it'll get you **** up?
Jordan No, there's no alcohol. That's the ****in' point.
I'm not a scientist; I don't know what the **** you're talking about. I can get you beer if you want ****in' beer.
Jordan I know, but I don't drink, remember? I don't drink anymore?
What, you wanna go inside and blow some lines of baking powder, baking soda? Can't imagine ever not enjoying getting **** up. I love it.
Jordan Yeah...
How's being sober?
Jordan It ****in' sucks.
Boring, right?
Jordan So boring. I'm gonna kill myself.
Jordan WHAT THE **** IS GOING ON OUT HERE?!
Beecham THE JET SKIS JUST WENT OVERBOARD!
Jordan Jesus ****in' Christ! [Stumbles over to Naomi] Honey, you okay?
Beecham The waves are twenty feet high and building!
Jordan Turn around! Just go the other ****in' way!
Beecham Can't! We'll get broadsided and tip over!
Jordan I am a master diver, you hear that?! I am a master diver! No one's gonna **** die! I got you. Just trust me, okay? I love you. Just hold on tight. Donnie. Hold on, baby. Donnie. Donnie!
What?
Jordan Hold on, baby. [To Donnie] Get the ludes.
I don't wanna die, Jordan! I've done a lot of bad shit, I'm going to hell, Jordan! **** up! I **** up so bad!
Jordan Get the ludes downstairs.
What you say?!
Jordan Get the ludes!
I can't go down there! It's flooded, it's three feet of water down there!
Jordan I WILL NOT DIE SOBER! GET THOSE ****IN' LUDES!
Okay!
Jordan GO!
Okay!
I want a divorce.
Jordan What do you mean you want a divorce? What is that supposed to mean, you want a divorce?
Get off me. I want a divorce. Get off.
Jordan You just made love to me. What the **** is wrong with you?
I don't love you anymore, Jordan!
Jordan Oh, you don't love me? You don't love me anymore, huh? Well isn't that just **** convenient for you. Now that I'm under federal indictment with an electronic bracelet around my ankle, now you decide you don't **** love me anymore. Is that right?
No, no.
Jordan What kind of person are you? Tell me.
You married me.
Jordan What the **** is that supposed to mean?
Jordan, this is how it's gonna go. I'm gonna take custody of the kids. If you agree to the divorce right now, I will allow visitation. Okay? Don't try to fight it.
Jordan Oh my God.
It will save us both a lot of money and I got a feeling you're gonna need it.
Jordan You're not taking my kids, sweetheart. You hear me?
I've already talked to the lawyer. He said even if you don't get convicted I've got a good chance of getting them.
Jordan I got news for you. You're not **** taking my children [Naomi: Yes, I am, Jordan.] you vicious **** ****, you!!
Jordan **** you! You **** BITCH! You're not **** taking my goddamn **** kids! You hear me? **** YOU! YOU'RE NOT **** TAKING MY **** KIDS! **** whore.
Jordan **** you! I told you you're not taking my **** kids! You ****...
You think I would let my kids near you?! Look at yourself! You know what my lawyer said? My lawyer said that you're going to prison for 20 years, Jordan. Twenty **** years! You're never gonna see the kids again!
Jordan You don't think I'm gonna see my kids?!
No! I'm not **** letting you near my kids!
Jordan YOU DON'T THINK I'M GONNA SEE MY **** KIDS AGAIN, HUH?!
Jordan Don't you **** touch me!
Jordan Belfort Give me a kiss, sweetheart.
Jordan.
Jordan Belfort Oh, come on, baby. I haven't made love to you in so long.
No.
Jordan Belfort Please.
Jordan, stop it.
Jordan Belfort I loved you since the first moment I saw you.
I **** hate you, Jordan! Get off me!
Jordan Belfort No, baby. Don't do that. You know how much I love you, right? Stop that sweetie, please?
You wanna **** me, Jordan? You wanna **** me? Good. Go at it. Go ahead and **** me. I want you to **** me real hard. I want you to **** me like it's the last **** time. Come on.
Jordan Belfort Babe, why you doing it like that?
Because I want you to **** for me, baby.
Jordan Belfort Come on, baby.
**** for me, baby. I want you to **** for me like it's the last **** time!
Jordan Belfort Yeah?
Yeah! Come on, baby. **** for me. Come on, baby. Yeah. Yeah, baby, ****.
Jordan Belfort You want me to **** for you?
Yeah.
Jordan Belfort Oh, God! Oh! Oh, God! Jesus!
Jordan Belfort Oh, baby. That was so **** great. Oh, God.
That was the last time.
Jordan Belfort What do you mean, baby?
I mean that was the last time we ever have sex.
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