W The Wizard
Come forward!
Tell me when it's over... I wanna go home!
W The Wizard
I am Oz, the Great and Powerful! Who are you? WHO - ARE - YOU?!
If you please — I am Dorothy... the small and meek. We've come to ask...
[cries out and runs back to the others]
Oh! Jiminy Crickets!
W The Wizard
The Great and Powerful Oz knows why you have come. Step forward, Tin Man! [He obeys.] You dare to come to me for a heart, do you, you clinking, clanking, clattering collection of colligenous junk?!
Uh, yes-yes sir. Y-y-yes, Your Honor. Y'see, uh, a while back, we were walking down the Yellow Brick Road, and -
W The Wizard
And you, Scarecrow, have the effrontery to ask for a brain, you billowing bale of bovine fodder?!
[He bows and approaches on his knees]
Yes, Your Honor-- I mean Your Excellency-- I mean Your Wizardry!
W The Wizard
Enough! [Scarecrow retreats] And you, Lion... [Lion steps forward but is too frightened to speak] WELL?! [Lion faints, and the others rush to his side. Scarecrow fans him with his hand in an attempt to revive him.]
You should be ashamed of yourself! Frightening him like that, when he came to you for help!
W The Wizard
Silence, whippersnapper! The Beneficent Oz has every intention of granting your requests. [Lion instantly regains consciousness and sits up.]
What's that? Huh? What did he say?
W The Wizard
But first you must prove yourselves worthy by performing a very small task. Bring me the broomstick of the Witch of the West.
But, but, but, if we do that, we'll have to kill her to get it.
W The Wizard
Bring me her broomstick and I'll grant your requests. Now go.
W-w-what if she kills us first?
W The Wizard
I SAID GO!!!
W The Wizard
Can I believe my eyes? Why have you come back?
Please sir, we've done what you told us. We brought you the broomstick of the Wicked Witch of the West. We melted her.
W The Wizard
Oh, you liquidated her, eh? Very resourceful.
Yes, sir. So we'd like you to keep your promises, if you please, sir.
W The Wizard
Not so fast, NOT SO FAST! I'll have to give the matter a little thought. Go away and come back tomorrow.
Tomorrow? Oh, but I want to go home now!
You've had plenty of time to think already!
W The Wizard
DO NOT AROUSE THE WRATH OF THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ! I SAID COME BACK TOMORROW!
If you were really Great and Powerful, you'd keep your promises!
W The Wizard
[As Toto reveals him behind a curtain]
You presume to criticize the Great Oz?! You ungrateful creatures! You're lucky that I'm only holding this till tomorrow, instead of the next TWENTY YEARS from now! [They notice him] Er... the Great Oz has spoken. [Redraws the curtain hastily] PAY NO ATTENTION TO THAT MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN! THE GREAT, er... OZ... HAS SPOKEN!!
[Pulling aside the curtain]
Who are you?
W The Wizard
Oh, er, [Into a microphone, which increases his voice dramatically] I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL [In normal voice] ... Wizard... of Oz.
You are?! I don't believe you.
W The Wizard
I'm afraid it's true. There's no other Wizard except me.
W The Wizard
Yes. That's exactly so. I'm a humbug.
Oh, you're a very bad man!
W The Wizard
Oh, no, my dear, I... I'm a very good man - I'm just a very bad Wizard.
What about the heart that you promised Tin Man?! And the courage that you promised Cowardly Lion?!
TM Tin Man and Cowardly Lion
And Scarecrow's brain!
W The Wizard
Why, anybody can have a brain. That's a very mediocre commodity! Every pusillanimous creature that crawls on the earth or slinks through slimy seas has a brain! Back where I come from, we have universities, seats of great learning where men go to become great thinkers. And when they come out, they think deep thoughts — and with no more brains than you have. But! They have one thing you haven't got! A diploma! Therefore, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Universita Committeeatum E Pluribus Unum, I hereby confer upon you the honorary degree of Th.D.
W The Wizard
That's, er, "Doctor of Thinkology".
[Rapid]
The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side. [Normal, amazed] Oh, joy! Rapture! I've got a brain! How can I ever thank you enough?
W The Wizard
Well, you can't! [To the Cowardly Lion] As for you, my fine friend — you're a victim of disorganized thinking. You are under the unfortunate delusion that simply because you run away from danger, you have no courage. You're confusing courage with wisdom! Back where I come from though we have men who are called heroes. Once a year, they take their fortitude out of mothballs and parade it down the main street of the city. And they have no more courage than you have. But — They have one thing that you haven't got! A medal! Therefore, for meritorious conduct, extraordinary valor, conspicuous bravery against Wicked Witches, I award you the Triple Cross. You are now a member of the Legion of Courage!
Oh... Shucks, folks, I'm speechless!
W The Wizard
[To the Tin Man]
As for you, my galvanized friend - you want a heart! You don't know how lucky you are not to have one. Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable.
But I-- I still want one.
W The Wizard
Back where I come from, there are men who do nothing all day but good deeds. They are called phila-, er, er, philanth-er, good-deed doers! And their hearts are no bigger than yours. But! - They have one thing you haven't got. A testimonial! Therefore, in consideration of your kindness, I take pleasure at this time in presenting you with a small token of our esteem and affection. And remember, my sentimental friend, that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others.
[Listens to his new heart-shaped testimonial]
Oh! Oh, it ticks! Listen! Look, it ticks!
Read what my medal says: "Courage"! Ain't it the truth!
Oh, they're all wonderful.
W The Wizard
[Thinking]
Yes, Dorothy, er...
I don't think there's anything in that black bag for me.
W The Wizard
Well, you've forced me into a cataclysmic decision. The only way to get Dorothy back to Kansas is for me to take her there myself!
Oh, will you? Could you? Oh — but are you a clever enough Wizard to manage it?
W The Wizard
Child, you cut me to the quick. I'm an old Kansas man myself; born and bred in the heart of the Western wilderness. Premiere Balloonist par excellence for the Miracle Wonderland Carnival Company. Until one day, while performing spectacular feats of stratospheric skill never before attempted by civilized man, an unfortunate phenomena occurred. The balloon failed to return to the fair!
W Wizard
Frightened? You are talking to a man who has laughed in the face of death, sneered at doom, and chuckled at catastrophe - I was petrified. Then suddenly, the wind changed and the balloon floated down into the heart of this noble city, where I was instantly acclaimed Oz, the first Wizard Deluxe! Times being what they were, I accepted the job, retaining my balloon against the advent of a quick getaway. And in that balloon, my dear Dorothy, you and I will return to the land of E Pluribus Unum!
