Sir Henry Ponsonby [scheduling the timetable for Queen Victoria's jubilee]
Jubilee celebrations. 9:00, breakfast in London. Quarter to 10:00, changing of the guard. 11:00, meeting with the Swedish Ambassador. 12:00, luncheon with Oscar II, King of Sweden and Norway, the Norwegian Ambassador, the Chief Under-Secretary of State for the Southern Norwegian Provinces, the Junior Under-Secretary of State for the Northern Norwegian Provinces. 2:00, ceremonial drive down the Mall. Half past 2:00, tea party at Hyde Park for 30,000 children. Half past 4:00, Household departs on the Royal train for Windsor. Half past 6:00, dinner in the Great Hall and the ceremonial presentation of a Mohur.
Henry Ponsonby Breakfast with the Royal Princes of Belgium. 11:00, an audience with the Sultan of Dubai where Her Majesty will be presented with the Diamond of Oojay. Garden party where Her Majesty will receive Oscar II, King of Sweden and Norway, again, and Queen Liliʻuokalani.
Henry Ponsonby A monarch and sole Queen Regnant of the Kingdom of Hawaii, Your Majesty. She has composed a song for you, on the ukulele. But we have managed to put her off. Then you will eat with the Prime Minister, and, at 7:00, the banquet in the State Dining Room.
JR Dr. James Reid
And your movements, Your Majesty?
Nothing to speak of, Dr. Reid.
JR Dr. James Reid
Not even during the day?
We last moved on Sunday evening.
JR Dr. James Reid
I fear these celebratory dinners are taking their toll, Your Majesty. Might I suggest some Benger's mixture?
Queen Victoria I refuse to eat Benger's. It's baby food.
JR Dr. James Reid
But it is imperative, Your Majesty, that the Royal colon receives a little roughage.
Henry Ponsonby Was Your Majesty pleased with the Mohur?
Henry Ponsonby The Mohur, the ceremonial coin. Presented by the two Indian servants.
I thought the tall one was terribly handsome.
AB Arthur Bigge
What the hell were you thinking?!
You said, "Present the jelly," sir.
AB Arthur Bigge
I didn't say kiss the feet of the Empress of India! [hits Abdul with his top hat]
I thought it would cheer her up.
AB Arthur Bigge
Cheer her up?! They'll have me court-martialed!
Henry Ponsonby [runs in]
What on Earth is going on?! Her Majesty has requested Mr. Karim and Mr. Baksh be her personal footmen for the rest of the Jubilee.
How do you like your new Scottish costumes?
Very scratchy, Your Majesty.
Everything in Scotland is scratchy. [turns to Sir Henry] Sir Henry? When does Bertie arrive?
Henry Ponsonby Tomorrow, Your Majesty. He's on his way from Monte Carlo.
JR Dr. James Reid
It's all right for her. She's upholstered.
[in Florence]
Isn't it glorious? Albert loved it here. He so admired the Medicis, that they commissioned the greatest artists of the day in order to leave something astonishing behind.
In India also, we commission great artists. Each emperor would bring the greatest craftsmen to make great glories for their durbar room.
Yes. Every emperor had a durbar room, full of the finest things known to man.
Well, I'm the Empress of India, I should have a durbar room.
That's a wonderful idea, Your Majesty. But where would you put it?
Oh, the Isle of Wight, obviously.
Henry Ponsonby Your Majesty, Signor Puccini has arrived.
LS Lord Salisbury
What on Earth is a durbar room?
Henry Ponsonby It's a celebration of all things Indian, Prime Minister, inspired by the Mughal emperors.
LS Lord Salisbury
But I don't understand. Who gave her permission to build this in the first place?
AE Albert Edward
Don't blame me, I was in Monte Carlo.
Henry Ponsonby I'm afraid she's a law unto herself, Prime Minister.
LS Lord Salisbury
For God's sake! She'll be wearing a burqa next.
Prime Minister, you are late.
LS Lord Salisbury
I'm terribly sorry, Your Majesty.
Well, let us begin. This, as you can see, is the Indian corridor. The Durbar Room was designed by Mr. Bhai Ram Singh.
AE Albert Edward
The place is crawling with them.
We have commissioned a series of portraits of eminent Indians. [shows them the portrait of Princess Gowramma] This... Princess Gowramma. [shows them a portrait of Abdul, with Abdul standing next to the portrait] And this of course, is the Munshi.
An honor to meet you, Mr. Prime Minister, sir.
A good likeness, don't you think?
I asked him to take a few pounds off. This is my wife, Mr. Prime Minister, sir. And that is my mother-in-law. At least I think that's the right way round. These are my servants, Mohammed and Ahmed.
And this is the Durbar Room.
LS Lord Salisbury
What the hell is going on here, Ponsonby?
The carvings are from Uttar Pradesh, and the carpet was woven in a jail in Agra. Perfect, I think, for the tableau. But the piéce-de-resistánce is the Peacock Throne, an exact copy of the one at Agra, and, of course, the Koh-i-noor. Now I really do feel like the Empress of India.
