Queen Victoria quotes from Victoria & Abdul (2017)

Queen Victoria

I am 81 years of age. I've had nine children and 42 grandchildren, and have almost a billion citizens. I have rheumatism, a collapsed uterus, I'm morbidly obese and deaf in one ear. I have known 11 Prime Ministers and passed 2,347 pieces of legislation. I've been in office 62 years, 234 days. Thus, I am the longest-serving monarch in world history. I'm responsible for five households and a staff of over 3,000. I am cantankerous, boring, greedy, fat, ill-tempered, at times selfish and myopic, both metaphorically and literally. I am perhaps disagreeably attached to power and should not have smashed the Emperor of Russia's egg. But I am anything but insane. If the household wish to disobey me, so be it. Let them do it to my face. I will see everyone in the Durbar Room at once.

Queen Victoria

I understand there is some concern over my desires on preferment. I understand feelings have run high, and I understand you have decided to resign rather than withstand my decision. If any one of you wishes to tender their resignation? It will be accepted, without any unfortunate consequences. But at least have the decency to do it to my face! Anyone wishing to resign, please step forward. [silence] I would like to inform you that I have decided against awarding any knighthoods at this moment. Instead, you'll be delighted to know that I have decided to make the Munshi a Commander of the Royal Victorian Order, as a special token of my personal esteem for his services to the Empire. That is all.

Henry Ponsonby

Breakfast with the Royal Princes of Belgium. 11:00, an audience with the Sultan of Dubai where Her Majesty will be presented with the Diamond of Oojay. Garden party where Her Majesty will receive Oscar II, King of Sweden and Norway, again, and Queen Liliʻuokalani.

Queen Victoria

Who on Earth is she?

Henry Ponsonby

A monarch and sole Queen Regnant of the Kingdom of Hawaii, Your Majesty. She has composed a song for you, on the ukulele. But we have managed to put her off. Then you will eat with the Prime Minister, and, at 7:00, the banquet in the State Dining Room.

And your movements, Your Majesty?

Queen Victoria

Nothing to speak of, Dr. Reid.

Not even during the day?

Queen Victoria

We last moved on Sunday evening.

I fear these celebratory dinners are taking their toll, Your Majesty. Might I suggest some Benger's mixture?
Queen Victoria I refuse to eat Benger's. It's baby food.

But it is imperative, Your Majesty, that the Royal colon receives a little roughage.

Queen Victoria

Anything else?

Henry Ponsonby

Was Your Majesty pleased with the Mohur?

Queen Victoria

What?

Henry Ponsonby

The Mohur, the ceremonial coin. Presented by the two Indian servants.

Queen Victoria

I thought the tall one was terribly handsome.

There's another famine in India. More trouble in Ireland, I'm afraid. Suez is a perennial nightmare. And I'm afraid the Boers are at it again.

Queen Victoria

Is there any good news, Prime Minister?

Well, we've decided to annex Zululand, Your Majesty.

Queen Victoria

Whatever for?

We really have to box in the Boers if we possibly can.

Queen Victoria

Oh, Prime Minister, you really are terribly depressing.

Yes.

Queen Victoria

Ah, sandwiches! Mm!

Queen Victoria

How do you like your new Scottish costumes?

Abdul Karim

Very scratchy, Your Majesty.

Queen Victoria

Everything in Scotland is scratchy. [turns to Sir Henry] Sir Henry? When does Bertie arrive?

Henry Ponsonby

Tomorrow, Your Majesty. He's on his way from Monte Carlo.

It's all right for her. She's upholstered.

Queen Victoria

Isn't it glorious? Albert loved it here. He so admired the Medicis, that they commissioned the greatest artists of the day in order to leave something astonishing behind.

Abdul Karim

In India also, we commission great artists. Each emperor would bring the greatest craftsmen to make great glories for their durbar room.

Queen Victoria

Durbar room?

Abdul Karim

Yes. Every emperor had a durbar room, full of the finest things known to man.

Queen Victoria

Well, I'm the Empress of India, I should have a durbar room.

Abdul Karim

That's a wonderful idea, Your Majesty. But where would you put it?

Queen Victoria

Oh, the Isle of Wight, obviously.

Henry Ponsonby

Your Majesty, Signor Puccini has arrived.

What on Earth is a durbar room?

Henry Ponsonby

It's a celebration of all things Indian, Prime Minister, inspired by the Mughal emperors.

But I don't understand. Who gave her permission to build this in the first place?

Don't blame me, I was in Monte Carlo.

Henry Ponsonby

I'm afraid she's a law unto herself, Prime Minister.

For God's sake! She'll be wearing a burqa next.

Queen Victoria

Prime Minister, you are late.

I'm terribly sorry, Your Majesty.

Queen Victoria

Well, let us begin. This, as you can see, is the Indian corridor. The Durbar Room was designed by Mr. Bhai Ram Singh.

The place is crawling with them.

Queen Victoria

We have commissioned a series of portraits of eminent Indians. [shows them the portrait of Princess Gowramma] This... Princess Gowramma. [shows them a portrait of Abdul, with Abdul standing next to the portrait] And this of course, is the Munshi.

Abdul Karim

An honor to meet you, Mr. Prime Minister, sir.

Queen Victoria

A good likeness, don't you think?

Abdul Karim

I asked him to take a few pounds off. This is my wife, Mr. Prime Minister, sir. And that is my mother-in-law. At least I think that's the right way round. These are my servants, Mohammed and Ahmed.

Queen Victoria

And this is the Durbar Room.

What the hell is going on here, Ponsonby?

Queen Victoria

The carvings are from Uttar Pradesh, and the carpet was woven in a jail in Agra. Perfect, I think, for the tableau. But the piéce-de-resistánce is the Peacock Throne, an exact copy of the one at Agra, and, of course, the Koh-i-noor. Now I really do feel like the Empress of India.