AB Arthur Bigge
The Hindus, sir!
AY Alick Yorke
But they're completely different sizes.
AB Arthur Bigge
There was an incident, sir, with an elephant.
AY Alick Yorke
Hmm. The Queen arrives, fanfares, ceremonial entrance. The Royal Entourage make their way to the table to be seated thus: Her Majesty, Sir Henry Ponsonby, Private Secretary, the Secretary of State for India, the Emperor of Russia, Dr. Reid, Lady Churchill, Miss Phipps, et cetera, et cetera. Grace. Soup, potage Saint-Germain with pureé de madeleine. Fish course, morue aux hutres, fanfare. Entre, quenelle with regency sauce, et cetera, et cetera. Dessert, pain d'pinards, tartelettes la suisse, profiteroles. Always profiteroles. You will come from the northwest service entrance, Process together, and you will stand here. No! A little bit. That's it. Presenting the tray thus.
Tray? I thought it was a cushion.
AY Alick Yorke
You will present the tray...
MB Mohammed Bakhsh
Excuse me. Do I get a tray?
AY Alick Yorke
No. We've only got one tray.
MB Mohammed Bakhsh
So, what do I do?
AY Alick Yorke
You'll just have to improvise. Whatever you do, you must not look at Her Majesty. You will bow again. Then moving backwards, you will turn to your left, you will lead thus, and you will process down the hall to be met by Mr. Bigge, who will walk you to the north wall, where you will stand till the end of the meal. Would you like me to run through that again?
MB Messenger Boy
Mr. Yorke, she's heading to Paddington!
AY Alick Yorke
[gasps in shock]
Everybody, out! You two, stairs, now!
AB Arthur Bigge
What the hell were you thinking?!
You said, "Present the jelly," sir.
AB Arthur Bigge
I didn't say kiss the feet of the Empress of India! [hits Abdul with his top hat]
I thought it would cheer her up.
AB Arthur Bigge
Cheer her up?! They'll have me court-martialed!
[runs in]
What on Earth is going on?! Her Majesty has requested Mr. Karim and Mr. Baksh be her personal footmen for the rest of the Jubilee.
Breakfast with the Royal Princes of Belgium. 11:00, an audience with the Sultan of Dubai where Her Majesty will be presented with the Diamond of Oojay. Garden party where Her Majesty will receive Oscar II, King of Sweden and Norway, again, and Queen Liliʻuokalani.
A monarch and sole Queen Regnant of the Kingdom of Hawaii, Your Majesty. She has composed a song for you, on the ukulele. But we have managed to put her off. Then you will eat with the Prime Minister, and, at 7:00, the banquet in the State Dining Room.
JR Dr. James Reid
And your movements, Your Majesty?
Nothing to speak of, Dr. Reid.
JR Dr. James Reid
Not even during the day?
We last moved on Sunday evening.
JR Dr. James Reid
I fear these celebratory dinners are taking their toll, Your Majesty. Might I suggest some Benger's mixture?
Queen Victoria I refuse to eat Benger's. It's baby food.
JR Dr. James Reid
But it is imperative, Your Majesty, that the Royal colon receives a little roughage.
Was Your Majesty pleased with the Mohur?
The Mohur, the ceremonial coin. Presented by the two Indian servants.
I thought the tall one was terribly handsome.
LS Lord Salisbury
There's another famine in India. More trouble in Ireland, I'm afraid. Suez is a perennial nightmare. And I'm afraid the Boers are at it again.
Is there any good news, Prime Minister?
LS Lord Salisbury
Well, we've decided to annex Zululand, Your Majesty.
LS Lord Salisbury
We really have to box in the Boers if we possibly can.
Oh, Prime Minister, you really are terribly depressing.
[sees the sandwiches served in front of her]
Ah, sandwiches! Mm!
LS Lord Salisbury
What on Earth is a durbar room?
It's a celebration of all things Indian, Prime Minister, inspired by the Mughal emperors.
LS Lord Salisbury
But I don't understand. Who gave her permission to build this in the first place?
AE Albert Edward
Don't blame me, I was in Monte Carlo.
I'm afraid she's a law unto herself, Prime Minister.
LS Lord Salisbury
For God's sake! She'll be wearing a burqa next.
Prime Minister, you are late.
LS Lord Salisbury
I'm terribly sorry, Your Majesty.
Well, let us begin. This, as you can see, is the Indian corridor. The Durbar Room was designed by Mr. Bhai Ram Singh.
AE Albert Edward
The place is crawling with them.
We have commissioned a series of portraits of eminent Indians. [shows them the portrait of Princess Gowramma] This... Princess Gowramma. [shows them a portrait of Abdul, with Abdul standing next to the portrait] And this of course, is the Munshi.
An honor to meet you, Mr. Prime Minister, sir.
A good likeness, don't you think?
I asked him to take a few pounds off. This is my wife, Mr. Prime Minister, sir. And that is my mother-in-law. At least I think that's the right way round. These are my servants, Mohammed and Ahmed.
And this is the Durbar Room.
LS Lord Salisbury
What the hell is going on here, Ponsonby?
The carvings are from Uttar Pradesh, and the carpet was woven in a jail in Agra. Perfect, I think, for the tableau. But the piéce-de-resistánce is the Peacock Throne, an exact copy of the one at Agra, and, of course, the Koh-i-noor. Now I really do feel like the Empress of India.
T Mr. Tyler
Ah, Mr. Karim. I wanted to speak to you about the carpets we sent to the British Exhibition.
T Mr. Tyler
No, no. The carpets went down very well. In fact, the Governor General has received a letter from the Royal Household thanking him personally. It's all been such a success, he has decided to present the Queen with a "Mohur" as part of the Jubilee.
T Mr. Tyler
A Mohur. Apparently, it's some sort of ceremonial coin. I have been asked to find someone tall to present it. You're the tallest person here.
When will she be arriving, sir?
T Mr. Tyler
Not in Agra, in England! You will travel to England and present the Mohur at an official function. Like an equerry.
T Mr. Tyler
I don't think there'll be a horse.
Equerry always has a horse, Mr. Tyler, sir.
T Mr. Tyler
Well, maybe not like an equerry, exactly.
How do you like your new Scottish costumes?
Very scratchy, Your Majesty.
Everything in Scotland is scratchy. [turns to Sir Henry] Sir Henry? When does Bertie arrive?
Tomorrow, Your Majesty. He's on his way from Monte Carlo.
JR Dr. James Reid
It's all right for her. She's upholstered.
[in Florence]
Isn't it glorious? Albert loved it here. He so admired the Medicis, that they commissioned the greatest artists of the day in order to leave something astonishing behind.
In India also, we commission great artists. Each emperor would bring the greatest craftsmen to make great glories for their durbar room.
Yes. Every emperor had a durbar room, full of the finest things known to man.
Well, I'm the Empress of India, I should have a durbar room.
That's a wonderful idea, Your Majesty. But where would you put it?
Oh, the Isle of Wight, obviously.
Your Majesty, Signor Puccini has arrived.
MB Mohammed Bakhsh
[on a train en route to Florence, Italy]
Munshi?
MB Mohammed Bakhsh
A spiritual advisor? You haven't an idea in your head! You promised to get us out of here, and now we're going to bloody Florence.
You don't see what a privilege it is to see the glories of Italy with all these wonderful people.
MB Mohammed Bakhsh
You complete bloody idiot! Do you think they're just going to stand there and let her promote a wog? I did not come here to carry your bloody cases.
What are you complaining about? We have our own carriage with a bathroom. They've made a very nice bed for you on the floor.
MB Mohammed Bakhsh
[blows his nose through a linen napkin]
Oh, I'm dying here. I want to go home.
I'm getting sick of your negative attitude. Life is a big adventure. You just need to open up and enjoy it. We're on holiday. And what? What on Earth can possibly go wrong?
[scheduling the timetable for Queen Victoria's jubilee]
Jubilee celebrations. 9:00, breakfast in London. Quarter to 10:00, changing of the guard. 11:00, meeting with the Swedish Ambassador. 12:00, luncheon with Oscar II, King of Sweden and Norway, the Norwegian Ambassador, the Chief Under-Secretary of State for the Southern Norwegian Provinces, the Junior Under-Secretary of State for the Northern Norwegian Provinces. 2:00, ceremonial drive down the Mall. Half past 2:00, tea party at Hyde Park for 30,000 children. Half past 4:00, Household departs on the Royal train for Windsor. Half past 6:00, dinner in the Great Hall and the ceremonial presentation of a Mohur.
[speaking to her family and the entire household in the Durbar Room]
I understand there is some concern over my desires on preferment. I understand feelings have run high, and I understand you have decided to resign rather than withstand my decision. If any one of you wishes to tender their resignation? It will be accepted, without any unfortunate consequences. But at least have the decency to do it to my face! Anyone wishing to resign, please step forward. [silence] I would like to inform you that I have decided against awarding any knighthoods at this moment. Instead, you'll be delighted to know that I have decided to make the Munshi a Commander of the Royal Victorian Order, as a special token of my personal esteem for his services to the Empire. That is all.
I am 81 years of age. I've had nine children and 42 grandchildren, and have almost a billion citizens. I have rheumatism, a collapsed uterus, I'm morbidly obese and deaf in one ear. I have known 11 Prime Ministers and passed 2,347 pieces of legislation. I've been in office 62 years, 234 days. Thus, I am the longest-serving monarch in world history. I'm responsible for five households and a staff of over 3,000. I am cantankerous, boring, greedy, fat, ill-tempered, at times selfish and myopic, both metaphorically and literally. I am perhaps disagreeably attached to power and should not have smashed the Emperor of Russia's egg. But I am anything but insane. If the household wish to disobey me, so be it. Let them do it to my face. I will see everyone in the Durbar Room at once.
