Ted? Did you mean what you said back there?
Ted
[Tearfully]
Uh huh. I just want you to be happy, Mary.
But I'd be happiest with you.
Ted
[Pause] [Dejected]
You're ****in' with me, right?
Most-quoted character in There's Something About Mary (1998): in 7 of its 14 quotes
Most scenes with: Mary Jensen (3)
I couldn't believe that she knew my name. Some of my best friends didn't know my name.
Scenes with Ted Stroehmenn
6 scenes
Charlie
[When Ted gets his genitals stuck in his zipper]
Is it the frank or the beans?
Ted
I don't know. Both, I guess.
Warren
[from outside]
Franks and Beans! Franks and Beans!
...
Charlie
Oh man! How'd you get the beans above the frank?
Ted
Look, I didn't solicit any sex, okay? This is a huge misunderstanding. I was really going out to pee, I was walking to the bushes, I tripped over this guy - and suddenly all those cops and their helicopters...
Detective Stabler
Ted, Ted, it's okay, we believe you. [about the dead body in the trunk] The problem is we found your friend in the car.
Ted
[smiles]
Oh, the hitchhiker? That's what this is about, the hitchhiker? Oh, oh, great. This is my luck. I get caught for everything.
Detective Krevoy
[pats Ted's shoulder]
So...you admit it?
Ted
Ah, yeah, guilty as charged. Look, I know you guys got a job to do, alright? And I'm really sorry. I did it, I admit it. You know, the guy even told me, the hitchhiker told me it was illegal.
Detective Krevoy
Well, uh, can you tell us his name?
Ted
Ah...no, I didn't catch it. Can we cut to the chase? I mean, am I like in a lot of trouble here?
Detective Stabler
[nods]
First tell us why you did it.
Ted
Why I did it? Ah...I don't know. Boredom? The guy turned to be a blubber mouth who just would not shut up.
Detective Krevoy
[trying to control himself]
Ted, this wasn't your first time, was it?
Ted
No.
Detective Krevoy
How many are we talking here?
Ted
[confused]
Hitchhikers? My whole life? Ah... I don't know - twenty-five, fifty... I mean, who keeps track? Hey, you know, I know this is the Bible Belt and everything, but where I come from, this is not that big deal, I mean...
Detective Krevoy
You son of a bitch! You're gonna fry! [slams Ted's head against the desk]
Detective Stabler
Take it easy! Calm down! Are you okay?
Ted
[to Krevoy]
What the hell is wrong with you?
Ted
Do you think maybe you wanna maybe, I don't know, go out to dinner? You know, catch up on old times?
Didn't we just do that?
Ted
Oh, uh...
I'm **** with you, Ted!
You choke the chicken before any big date, don't you? Tell me you spank the monkey before any big date. Oh my God, he doesn't flog the dolphin before a big date. Are you crazy? That's like going out there with a loaded gun! Of course that's why you're nervous. Oh my dear friend, please sit, please. Look, um, after you've had sex with a girl, and you're lying in bed with her, are you nervous? No, you're not, why?
Ted
'Cause I'm tired...
Wrong! It's 'cause you ain't got the baby batter on the brain anymore! Jesus, that stuff will **** your head up! Look, the most honest moment in a man's life are the few minutes after he's blown his load - now that is a medical fact. And the reason for it is that you're no longer trying to get laid, you're actually...you're thinking like a girl, and girls love that.
Ted? Did you mean what you said back there?
Ted
[Tearfully]
Uh huh. I just want you to be happy, Mary.
But I'd be happiest with you.
Ted
You're **** with me, right?
Ted
[Shakes her head, while smiling]
What about Brett Fahvra...?
What did I tell you the first time we met? I'm a Niners fan!
[They kiss]
