M Mark
[Mark and Simon are withdrawing cash from cashpoints]
And it's midnight. Start again.
R Renton
[Mark, Simon and Veronika are driving on the M8 to Edinburgh in a BMW]
So, there's this room service guy, right? And he comes into the room, and there is Georgie Best lying on the bed with two Playboy models. Three in a bed, champagne and a little bit of Charlie, and there's banknotes. But they're lying on the banknotes.
Veronika
Lying on the money?
Veronika
Why?
M Mark
I don't know. Because he has a lot of money. Or at least he had a lot of money at the time, anyway. The room service guy, he comes in, and he sees this scene that I just described to you, and he says, "George Best..."
S Simon
Greatest footballer of all time.
M Mark
Exactly. "The greatest footballer of all time, I have to ask you, "'Where did it all go wrong?'" Where did it all go wrong? Where did it all go wrong? Where did it all go wrong, George Best?
Veronika
Yeah, but... I think that the room service guy, you know... I think he makes a very good point. No?
...
M Mark
[Mark, Simon and Veronika are lounging in Mark's apartment]
He played for Hibs in 1979 between stints for the Fort Lauderdale Strikers and the San Jose Earthquakes. I went to see him play, apparently. My dad took me. He said, "You've got to see this. You've got to see this player. "Got to see this greatest footballer of all time." So it was a big game, it was a big crowd, and a big guy in front of me. I couldn't see a thing. Not a single thing. Not for 90 minutes. But I've got the program, so... I mean, I've always got that, you know?
M Mark
[Mark points to archival footage of football fans on a flatscreen TV]
Thin. Thin. Nobody was fat back then.
S Simon
It's not just the football, is it?
M Mark
[Both talking over each other to Veronika]
It's the end of austerity. There was no such thing even as a calorie till 1974.
S Simon
Welcome to the new age of civil rights, space exploration.
M Mark
You know what happened in 1974? The first McDonald's in the UK.
S Simon
He's basically John Barry with football boots.
M Mark
See, look at that guy. He would be scrawny today.
S Simon
A great, swaggering, filthy piece of music.
M Mark
But then... That was totally normal till 1974. It's insurrection!
S Simon
That's the beauty of what he does.
M Mark
You know what happened in 1974? First McDonald's. South London. Woolwich.
S Simon
[Veronika then gives a lecture in Bulgarian]
Cheers. Up your ass.
S Simon
There's a ****...
M Mark
Do it. Let's do it. **** off.
L Lawyer
So, are you the woman in the video?
Veronika
My face is not seen.
L Lawyer
Do you have any identifying marks? Tattoos on your buttocks?
Veronika
Certainly not.
L Lawyer
On your perineum? [Veronika looks confused and Mark leans over to whisper]
M Mark
It's the bit of skin between your vagina and your bumhole.
V Viktoria
That's disgusting.
L Lawyer
So you're not vajazzled. May I ask, what is your relationship with the accused?
Veronika
We are friends.
...
L Lawyer
[Mark and Veronika are leaving for the door]
Mark. [Mark walks back over]
L Lawyer
She's too young for you. [Mark walks away unimpressed]
...
M Mark
Here it is. [Reading off laptop] "EU Small Business Development Loans. Zero-interest loans distributed regionally towards projects that stimulate regeneration of formerly industrial areas. Loans are available of up to 100,000. Applications should be made online, which may be followed by an invitation to present a business plan."
S Simon
Blah, blah, **** blah.
M Mark
I'm trying to help you, Simon. We're blowing all that cashpoint money on lawyer's fees.
S Simon
You could've got someone cheaper.
M Mark
Well, I wouldn't have had to get anyone at all if you hadn't engaged in **** blackmail. Is there anything left of your 4,000 I gave you?
S Simon
No, I've got expenses, just like everyone else.
M Mark
What, all of it? You snorted the whole **** wad?
S Simon
It's called debt, Mark.
M Mark
The point is, we need cash now, not in six months' time.
S Simon
And you realize what's at stake here? I promised to set up a sauna for Veronika. And if I don't get it up and running soon, she's gonna leave me.
M Mark
**** leave you anyway.
S Simon
No, it's not gonna happen.
M Mark
Is she actually even with you?
S Simon
She's my girlfriend.
M Mark
You've never ever been a normal junkie.
S Simon
I have **** her, and I'll **** her again.
M Mark
What? When she was working at the sauna?
S Simon
That's not fair. You know, since we're having this conversation, I can tell you that fully consensual, emotionally driven, not-for-profit sexual intercourse has been attained.
M Mark
Simon, you're a romantic.
S Simon
Veronika and I have had our rough patches. I'll be the first to admit that.
M Mark
Shall we submit this application?
S Simon
Do what you want, but I need someone on-site working. I need progress. Now.
Veronika
Simon and I do not sleep together.
M Mark
No? I had wondered.
Veronika
Once, but... I'm his girlfriend, but it's business, really. Simon is not a good person. But I like him. More than he likes himself, I think.
M Mark
Right, but if you're not... If there's no physical aspect to your relationship, I mean, you don't want to be, like... You know, wasting your time.
Veronika
What's "choose life"?
Veronika
"Choose life." Simon says it sometimes. He says, "Choose life, Veronika."
Veronika
[Mark does his "Choose Life" monologue updated for the 21st century]
I like you, Mark.
M Mark
[Mark is doing loan application presentation to European Union Montary Fund]
This is the renovation and conversion of an iconic Leith building. We see it very much as being an artisanal bed-and-breakfast experience. A destination in its own right. Artworks by local artists on the walls. Locally sourced fresh food. Outreach programs to inspire children in school to think outside the box. To inspire in them a belief that... Yes, they can. There was a time when this port served thousands of ships around the globe. Now it can rise again. And we believe our business will occupy a central role, both physically and emotionally, at the heart of this new wave of regeneration in Leith.
M Murphy
We used to steal all this stuff. Fancy wallpaper. Sell on to the middle classes and that. Me and Mark used to steal all kinds of stuff, actually. Till we got caught. He got off. I got six months. Still, you find out what you're good at inside. Signatures... That's what I found out. Anyone's. If I seen it once, I can do it. So, when I got out, "Bye-bye, shoplifting. Hello, checkbook. Hello, check card. Up to Western Union. Signature, cash in hand. Up to Swanney's, pay off my debts, buy some skag. I was a portable **** goldmine.
Veronika
So, what happened?
M Murphy
Chip and PIN, debit cards, e-banking. Billionaires moving money at the touch of a button. There's no room for an honest artisan like me anymore.
Veronika
So, what did you do?
M Murphy
Back on the pavement. Seven days a week.
Veronika
I like your stories. I think you should write them down.
Veronika
Yeah. Just write them the way you say them. They're funny. I would like to read them. Mark and Simon can help.
M Murphy
[Murphy, Simon and Mark arrive by train to the same desolate stop as in the original film] [Voiceover reading from page]
"Tommy looks well. It's terrifying. He's gonna die. Sometime between the next few weeks and the next 15 years, Tommy will be no more. Chances are that I'll be exactly the same. Difference is we know this with Tommy. Tommy cannot get out.
M Mark
[Reading aloud]
He cannot afford to heat his home, put himself in a bubble, live in the warm, eat good fresh food, keep his mind stimulate with new challenges. He will only live five or 10 or 15 years before he is crushed. Tommy will not survive winter in West Granton."
...
S Simon
Well, I'm trying hard, Mark, but I'm not feeling anything. We were young. Bad things happened. It's over. Can we go home now?
M Mark
Two hours to the next train.
S Simon
Oh, for ****'s sake.
M Mark
Look, we're here as an act of memorial.
S Simon
Nostalgia. That's why you're here. You're a tourist in your own youth. Just 'cause you had a near-death experience, and now you're feeling all fuzzy and warm. What other moments will you be revisiting? Here's a good one. How about the time you sold Tommy his very first hit, leading him on to heroin addiction, HIV infection, and ultimately his death at the age of... What was it, 22, 23?
S Simon
Twenty-three. How innocent was that?
M Mark
Aye, that's mine. How's yours?
S Simon
Don't know what you're talking about.
M Mark
She'd be a woman by now. Maybe kids of her own. But she never got that far, did she? Never got to lead her life. Because her father, someone who should have been looking after her, protecting his own infant, was too busy filling his own veins with heroin to check that she was breathing properly. How do you keep a lid on that one?
M Mark
[They take the train back and proceed to inject heroin with Murphy looking on tormented]
Well, that's that, then. Here we go.
M Mark
[Simon and Mark have gone to a club and Mark goes to the washroom and is disgusted at the filthiness of a toilet, a previous film reference]
****'s sake.
...
F Franco
[Franco settles himself into a booth]
All right, doll.
F Franco
Looking good, baby.
G Girl
Not bad yourself, daddy-o.
F Franco
Why, bring it over here.
G Girl
I'm not wearing any knickers.
F Franco
For ****'s sake. Well, tell you what... Just away for a piss. Back in a moment. We'll see what's happening, okay?