I shouldn't have said that.
Back at Truvy's. I said I'd be better off when my body wears out. I shouldn't have said that in front of Shelby. And I didn't mean that.
Ouiser, nobody pays any attention to you.
But I feel bad, Clairee. I'm a terrible person.
No, you're not. You'd give your dog a kidney if he needed one.
Yes. [looking shocked at how much pork and beans Clairee is putting in their cart] Clairee, this is just a gesture. We're not feedin' Drum till the end of time.
Drum loves pork and beans. He eats them with everything.
That explains a lot. [she puts some back; cut to Annelle and Sammy's house, they're getting out of Sammy's truck]
S Sammy
You're supposed to soak the red beans overnight.
Annelle But we don't have overnight!! And I wanted to take it to 'em before they leave for the hospital tomorrow!
S Sammy
Then, let's cook somethin' else.
Annelle I already bought all the stuff and it's in the "freezes beautifully" section of my cookbook. I wanna take somethin that freezes beautifully.
S Sammy
Well, then, we'll make red beans and rice.
Annelle Sammy Wayne Desoto, what is this in my Frigidaire?
Annelle I don't care what you do with your refrigerator, but you will not keep liquor in mine. [dumps beer out in yard]
S Sammy
Oh, Annelle, for Christ's sake!
Annelle Who? Who did you say?
S Sammy
Christ, Christ, Christ!
Annelle Are you speaking of our Lord? Is that whose name you're taking in vain?
Annelle Well, I'm sorry, Sammy. But I am not about to spend the next fifty years of my life with someone I'm not gonna run into in the hereafter.
S Sammy
Oh, Annelle, God damn it!
Annelle I think we should pray.
S Sammy
Oh, I'd rather eat dirt!
How you holdin up, honey?
C Clairee
It was a beautiful service.
The flowers were the most beautiful flowers I have ever seen!
Annelle Miss M'Lynn, it should make you feel a lot better that Shelby is with her King.
Yes, Annelle, I guess it should.
Annelle Then we should all be rejoicing.
Well you go on ahead!! I'm sorry if I don't feel like it! I guess I'm a little selfish. I'd rather have her here.
Annelle Miss M'Lynn, I don't mean to upset you by sayin' that. It's just that when somethin like this happens, I pray very hard to make heads or tails of it. And I think that in Shelby's case, she just wanted to take care of that little baby, and of you, of everybody she knew. And her poor little body was just worn out. It just wouldn't let her do all the things she wanted to. So she went on to a place where she could be a guardian angel. She will always be young, she will always be beautiful. And I personally feel much safer knowin' that she's up there on my side [M'Lynn turns to face Annelle] It may sound real simple and stupid and...Well maybe I am, but, that's how I get through things like this.
Thank you, Annelle. I appreciate that. And it's a real good idea. Shelby, as you know, wouldn't want us to get mired down and wallow in this. We should handle it the best way we know how…and get on with it. That’s what my mind says. I wish somebody’d explain to my heart.
Drum says you never left her side for a second.
No.. I couldn't leave my Shelby. I just sat there and kept pushin' the way I always have where Shelby was concerned.... I was hopin' she'd sit up and argue with me. Finally we realized there was no hope. They turned off the machines. [Pause] Drum left.. couldn't take it. Jackson left. [slight laugh] I find it amusin'.. men are supposed to be made outta steel or somethin. I just sat there. I just held Shelby's hand. There was no noise. No tremble. Just peace. Oh God.. I realize as a woman how lucky I am! I was there when that wonderful creature drifted into my life.. and I was there when she drifted out of it. It was the most precious moment of my life... [sighs] I gotta get back. Has anybody got a mirror?
Does anybody have a mirror? I don't know how you're doin on the inside honey…but your HAIR sure is holdin up beautiful.
[looking in mirror, upset]
Shelby was right! This IS a brown foot ball helmet!!!! [begins to cry]
C Clariee
Ohh…honey are you okay?
[crying]
I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine. [screaming] I'm fine! I can jog all the way to Texas and back, but my daughter can't! She never could! Oh God! I'm so mad I don't know what to do! I wanna know why! I wanna know why Shelby's life is over! I wanna know how that baby will ever know how wonderful his mother was! Will he ever know what she went through for him? Oh God I wanna know why!! Why Lord, I wish I could understand! [in a firm tone] No! No! No! It's not supposed to happen this way! I'm supposed to go first. I've always been ready to go first! I-I don't think I can take this! I-I don't think I can take this! I-I just wanna hit somebody 'til they feel as bad as I do! I just wanna hit something! I wanna hit it hard! [continues sobbing]
C Clairee
Here! [grabs Ouiser by the shoulder and positions her in front of M'Lynn] Hit this! Go ahead M'Lynn, slap her!
Clairee, have you lost your mind?
C Clairee
We'll sell t-shirts sayin' I SLAPPED OUISER BOUDREAUX! Hit her!
Annelle Miss Clairee, enough!
C Clairee
Ouiser, this is your chance to do something for your fellow man! Knock her lights out, M'Lynn!
[gets out of Clairee's grip]
Let go o' me!
C Clairee
M'Lynn, you just missed the chance of a lifetime! Half o' Chiquapin Parish'd give their eye teeth to take a whack at Ouiser! [everyone, except Ouiser, starts laughing]
YOU ARE A PIG FROM HELL!! [Ouiser turns and walks away]
C Clairee
Ouiser! Ouiser, I was just kiddin'!! Come back!!
Annelle [quietly laughing]
Miss Clairee, that wasn't a very Christian thing to do.
C Clairee
Oh, Annelle, ya gotta lighten up. [cut to Ouiser sitting on a bench, alone; Clairee tries to surprise her, but she steps on a twig, and Ouiser notices her]
C Clairee
Okay. All right, hit me, then. I deserve it.
You are evil and you must be destroyed.
C Clairee
Mother Nature's taking care of that faster than you could.
Lloyd got a great deal of enjoyment at my expense when he was alive.
C Clairee
Ouiser. You know l love you more than my luggage. [they start shoving each other]
All right. [they continue shoving each other] This is my bench! Get off my bench!! Get off my…[Clairee falls off the bench] Good, now sit!! You are too twisted for color T.V., Clairee. Have your roots done. [cut back to the Eatonton house, Jonathan and Tommy are playing basketball; Annelle is bringing some cups of coffee to Truvy and M'Lynn who are watching Jack, Jr. who is sitting on a blanket and playing with his toys]
l shouldn't have gone on the way l did. l made everybody cry. I'm sorry.
Oh, don't be silly. Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion. Thanks, Annelle. [Annelle goes over to Jack Jr. to play with him]
Maybe l should have an emotional outburst more often. Maybe l should start havin' them at home. Drum would be so pleased. [Clairee and Ouiser approach the other woman, and they've clearly made up]
C Clairee
Of course you do.
Well, l'm glad to see the two of you made up.
C Clairee
Ouiser can never stay mad at me. She worships the quicksand l walk on. [Ouiser hugs M'Lynn]
M'Lynn, you're in my prayers, honey. [looks at a shocked Annelle] Yes, Annelle, I pray! Well, I do! There, I said it, I hope you're satisfied.
Annelle I have suspected this all along!
Oh! Well don't you expect me to come to one of your churches! One of those tent-revivals with all those Bible-beaters doin' God-only-knows-what! They'd probably make me eat a live chicken!
Annelle Not on your first visit!
C Clairee
Very good, Annelle! Spoken like a true smart-ass! [Jack Jr. has Annelle's picture in his mouth]
Annelle Oh, what are you doin? Are you eatin my picture? [Ouiser and Clairee approach Drum, who's talking to Sammy]
[to Sammy]
Then I guess we can't talk about it. [Ouiser sticks her hand like a knife into Drum's back, as a sign of sympathy; Drum watches her walk away with Clairee; M'Lynn puts Jack Jr. into a tree swing]
Let's get in the swing, shall we? Get our feets in there. There we go. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on!
Annelle Miss M'Lynn, l don't know if this is the right time or place but l wanted to tell you that Sammy and l have decided if this baby's a girl we'd like to name it Shelby since she was the reason we met in the first place. If you don't mind.
Shelby would love that. I'm tickled pink. [softly] Pink.
Well, what are you gonna name it if it happens to be a boy? [Truvy looks down at Jack Jr. with a big smile]
Annelle Shelby I guess.
That's how it should be. Life goes on. [cut to a year later, parents are helping their children in the Easter egg hunt, including Jackson and Jack Jr. Annelle and Sammy approach the party; Sammy is wearing an Easter bunny costume]
S Sammy
I've never been so uncomfortable in all my life!!
Annelle We'll talk about uncomfortable when you're nine months pregnant, okay?
S Spud
Go on now, keep those eyes closed, or I'm'a staple em shut!!
They're closed!! What is it?!
S Spud
Keep em shut. Okay, open em up!!
All right. [gasps when she sees Spud has opened a shop called Truvy's West, a new addition that connects with her beauty spot] l don't believe it! I'm a chain!! Oh, Spud!! [Truvy kisses Spud, then they hug. Cut Annelle, putting the head of the Easter Bunny costume on Sammy's head]
Annelle Oh, lighten up!! Now you just burst through those bushes and hop over to where the kids are, okay?
S Sammy
What bushes?! I can't see shit!!
Annelle Over there!!
S Sammy
"Over there!!" I'm an adult, ya know!! I'm not a 5-year-old!!
J Jonathan
On your mark. Get set. Go!
C Clairee
Okay, Jack, Jr. l'm gonna tell you a story. Once upon a time, there was a beautiful young gal named Shelby. And Shelby had a lovely, kind and wonderful good fairy named Clairee. But there was also a horrible, evil, ugly witch named Ouiser!!
I hate these stupid neighborhood things.
O Owen
No one's twistin' your arm to keep you here.
Well, l have to be sociable.
Hey, Rhett's here! Let's connect the bald spots.
Drum. Eat, shit, and die! Hello, M'Lynn!
Good to see you too Ouiser, Owen. [Rhett starts barking at Drum] Come on, Rhett! Kill, kill!
Quit it, Drum. Stop eggin' him on!
C Clairee
And everyone lived happily ever after. And the nasty, wicked, evil, wretched, horrible, mean Ouiser was never heard from again. Now, it's almost time for the Easter Bunny. Run on down!! [Ouiser sees Jack Jr., and kneels down to say "hi"]
[laughs]
Hi, Jack! You remember me? It's your old pal Ouiser! [Jack Jr., having heard Clairee's story, gets scared, then starts to cry, then he hits Ouiser!; yells] Jack!!
Just a second, it's Jackson.
Jack, come here!! [Jack Jr. runs away, looking for M'Lynn; she finds and picks him up]
AF Aunt Fern
Is he all right??
Yes, he's all right. [Annelle stands up, when, all of a sudden, she feels herself going into labor]
Annelle [groans]
Oh, Truvy!!
Oh, honey, it's okay. lt's okay. Women have babies every day. M'Lynn!
Jonathan, quick! Get that Easter Bunny over here now!
J Jonathan
Hey, Tommy, where's Sammy?
J Jonathan
Oh, excuse me!
T Tommy
Why? What's going on?
What's the matter? What's wr-? Oh, my God! She's gonna have a baby!! Go get a doctor! Help! A doctor!
C Clairee
This way, this way. Spud's Jeep is this way!! Come on!! Here, here! Get her in! [Jackson and Marshall help Annelle into Spud's Jeep; Truvy gets in after her]
We'll find Sammy! We'll find Sammy! lt's all right, honey. We'll get Sammy.
C Clairee
Drive careful!!
L Louie
Come on, Sammy! Get your tail hoppin'!
Shelby, you scared us. That wasn't a nice thing to do to your mama. You should never say something like that to a woman who's marinating fifty pounds of crab claws
Oh, but the makin' up can be extremely romantic. I miss romance so much.
Oh, Truvy, it can't be that bad.
Oh really, now? Well, the last romantic thing my husband did for me was back in 1972. He enclosed this carport so that I could support him!
Well, Truvy, now I think I have somethin' that could cheer you up. Drum and l have been plannin' to talk to your husband about buildin' a room on to our house.
M'Lynn, are you serious? lf you give Spud a job, l'll give you hot oil treatments for the rest of your life! Annelle, this looks pretty good. I think you know what you're doin'.
Annelle Thank you!! Mrs. Eatenton, you have great hair. And your scalp's as clean as a whistle.
Well, it must run in the family. This young'un's got the prettiest hair l've ever had my hands in. So thick. Well, just because l'm braggin' on you don't mean you can get lazy on me. Hold your head up, Shelby.
Truvy, there's some candy in my purse.
I have some right here. [grabs a peppermint]
Shelby. Shelby. Hold on. Clairee's getting you some juice. Shelby. Shelby. Shelby.
Should I get her a cookie?
Shelby! Shelby, you need some juice. You need some juice.
No! Stop it, Mama! l have some candy in my purse.
No, you didn't bring your purse, sweetheart. You didn't bring your purse. No you didn't!! No, here you go. There you go. Drink some of this. lt's not any wonder with all this runnin' around and weddin' nonsense.
Annelle Excuse me. Should l call the doctor or somethin'?
She just has a little too much insulin, that's all. We'll get a little more in her. She'll be all right.
lf you don't leave me alone, l'm gonna leave.
Oh, I'd love to see you try!! Cooperate, please!!
Come on, now. Thattagirl. Yes, yes, yes, yes. There you go. There you go. There, there. That's a start.
Yeah. She's been so upset lately. Dr. Mitchell told her on her last appointment…children aren't possible.
Don't talk about me like l'm not here.
[slight laugh]
Oh, oh, oh, oh, she's makin' some sense now. Yes, she is. This one was not bad at all. It was not bad at all. No, l think we needa little more juice.
Annelle Could l do somethin' to help?
No, no. She'll be fine. Don't fuss over her.
I'm really sorry about the children part, M'Lynn.
I know. Shelby's afraid Jackson will be throwin' away his chance to have children.
Jackson said: Shelby, don't be stupid. There's plenty of kids out there need good homes.
We'll adopt 10 of them. We'll buy them if we have to.
Jackson sounds like good people to me.
lt's all right. lt's all over now. lt's all—You hold your juice.
lt's all over. hold your juice.
Oh, I'll fix it!! We'll fix it!!
Okay. [drinks more juice] Okay.
J Jonathan
Well, where'd ya leave it?
How the hell do I know? Well, come on, we got work to do. Daylight's burnin'. Gotta get rid of some birds!!
J Jonathan
Whoo!! Got the arrows, Daddy!!
All right, all right. Hey lookie here, lookie here!!
T Tommy
Yeah, and I got the target!!
No, we're not goin target shootin', forget it.
Miss Clairee, what cute shoes!
Ya think so? I'm not so sure myself. They seem a little too racy for me. I'll probably give em away.
Oh, they're just too cha-cha for words. if you decide to get rid of em, I'll buy em from ya.
Well in a good shoe, I wear a size 6. But a 7 feels so good, I buy a size 8.
Oh, God, come here, Rhett!!
Annelle That is one ugly dog. What kinda dog is that?
If it had hair, it'd be a St. Bernard.
This is it, I have found it, I am in Hell!!
Don't try to get on my good side, Truvy. I no longer have one! Come here, Rhett.
You're a little early, ain't ya?
That is PRECISELY why I'm here! I've gotta talk to M'Lynn about her husband. He is a boil on the butt of humanity!
I'm sorry, Ouiser. This whole thing has gotten outta hand.
It's not your fault, M'Lynn. Ya know, l used to think you were crazy for marryin' that man. Then, for a few years, l thought you were glutton for punishment. Now l realize you must be on some mission from God.
Miss Ouiser, Daddy isn't trying' to drive you crazy. He's tryin' to make my reception nice. His heart's in the right place.
Ouiser, l know for a fact there will be no more gunshots.
But he was gonna fire a gun at me!!
They're blanks. Drum would never, ever point a gun at a lady.
He's a real gentleman. l bet he takes the dishes outta the sink before he pees in it. (sees Annelle.) Who the hell are you?
