Most scenes together: Samantha Baker & The Geek (5), The Geek & Jake (4)
Now you listen to me, mister! God did not put me on this Earth to be awakened by filthy suggestions from a foul-mouthed hooligan like you! And as for our granddaughter, I'm sure she has more than enough sense to stay clear of the likes of you! Now goodnight and goodbye!
Ginny Baker I really love Rudy. He is totally enamored of me. I mean, I've had men who've loved me before, but not for six months in a row.
Grandma Helen Oh Sam, let me look at you. Fred, she's gotten her boobies.
Grandpa Fred I better go get my magnifying glass.
Grandma Helen Oh, and they are so perky.
I can't believe my Grandmother actually felt me up.
Randy I was going to tell you something, but, maybe I shouldn't. It's pretty bad.
You may as well. Nothing could shock me anymore.
Randy Last night at the dance, my little brother paid a buck to see your underwear.
Geez! I hate that rock 'n' roll rubbish!
Grandpa Fred Well, I'm afraid it's here to stay, Howie.
Randy Jake Ryan? He doesn't even know you exist.
Thank you, that's a very nice thing to say.
Randy I'm sorry, but Jake Ryan? He's a senior, and he's taken. I mean, really taken.
I know. He's supposed to be my ideal.
Randy He's ideal for sure, but, forget it.
God, I hope whoever got the note doesn't know it was me who wrote it. I'd shit twice and die.
Come on, what's the problem here? I'm a boy. You're a girl. Is there any thing wrong with me trying to put together some kind of relationship between us? Okay, look, I know you haven't been - just answer me one question.
Yes, you're a total ****.
Ha ha ha. That's not the question. [pauses] Am I turning you on?
Ginny Darling, is something bothering you? You're really acting like... an airhead. And I think I know what it is. I think you're jealous that I'm getting married and that I'm getting all the attention.
You know, everybody in this family has just gone totally Outer Limits.
Ginny No, Sam, I think you're just being a little selfish and immature.
Oh, yes, that's it. That's exactly it. [storms out]
Ginny Unbelievable. You make someone a bridesmaid and they spread all over you.
Are you the little beggar that's been calling up here all night and then hanging up?
Would it be possible for you to tell me if there's a Samantha Baker here? And if there is, may I speak with her briefly?
Yes, it is, and no, you may not!
Yeah.
How did you get 'em?
She gave 'em to me.
Did you...
No! No, Jake. She's cranked for you. I told her you asked about her, right? The girl freaked. She had a fit. She thinks you're the cat's meow!
Really? She came up to me in the gym tonight. She looked at me like I was a leper.
Girls will do that, Jake. You know? They know that guys are like in perpetual heat, right? They know we do it, and they enjoy pumping us up. It's pure power politics, I'm telling you.
I thought she hated my guts.
Games, Jake. Silly torturous games. You know how many times I've gone without lunch because some bitch borrows my lunch money? Any halfway decent girl can rob me - blind! Because I'm too torqued up to say no. It's heinous, I'm telling you.
You better not be dickin' me around. It'd be a major downer to try and get together with this girl and find out that she really does think I'm a slime.
Jake, would I dick you? Let me put it to you this way: what happens to me if I dick you?
Heh, I'd kick your ass.
Right! So why would I lie? But I feel compelled to mention to you, Jake, that if all you want of the girl is a piece of ass, I mean, I'll either do it myself, or get someone bigger than me to kick your ass. I mean, not many girls in contemporary American society today would give their underwear to help a geek like me.
I can get a piece of ass anytime I want. Shit, I've got Caroline in the bedroom right now, passed out cold. I could violate her ten different ways if I wanted to.
I don't know. She's beautiful, and she's built and all that. [Sighs] I'm just not interested anymore.
Does that really matter, guy?
Yeah, it matters. She's totally insensitive. Look what she did to my house. She doesn't know shit about love. Only thing she cares about is partying. I want a serious girlfriend. Somebody I can love, that's gonna love me back. Is that psycho?
That's beautiful, Jake.
I'll make a deal with you. [about Samantha's panties] You let me keep these, I'll let you take Caroline home. But you gotta make sure she gets home, you can't leave her in some parking lot. Okay?
Jake, I'm only a freshman.
So, she's so blitzed she won't know the difference.
Jake, I don't have a car.
You can take mine.
Jake, I don't have a license.
I trust you.
I was just upstairs, and I couldn't sleep. I feel like a real jerk, honey. We forgot your birthday. I bet you're really P.O.'d, huh?
No, it's okay. I'm not really all that upset anymore.
This wedding is really turning this entire house inside out. And I just came down to tell you that we did remember.
Thanks, Dad.
Happy birthday. [Sighs] Is something else wrong?
No, why?
I don't know, I just get the feeling that something's bothering you. Something other than your birthday.
No, I'm fine. Really.
I think I know what it is. It has to do with a certain guy? I know, honey. I know. We're all upset that Ginny's marrying a boh**k. What's the matter?
Jake? Wait a minute. I thought she said his name was Rudy.
Forget it.
Forget what? Who's Jake?
He's a boy, Daddy. It's nothing. Okay? Just forget it, please.
Come on, Sam. We're not communicating.
It's extremely embarrassing, okay?
What's embarrassing?
Sitting in the dark with your dad, telling him about your love life.
I'm afraid you lost me again, Sam.
Jake is a senior, and he's beautiful and perfect. I like him a real lot, and he doesn't like me. Okay?
Oh.
And he's got this incredible girlfriend. I'm just this ridiculous dork that's following him around like a puppy.
Why do you think you're a dork? I don't think you're a dork. I don't think Mom thinks you're a dork.
Mike thinks I'm a dork.
Mike is a dork.
But so am I.
Well, if it's any consolation, I love you. And if this guy can't see in you all the beautiful and wonderful things that I see, then he's got the problem.
I know. It just hurts.
That's why they call them crushes. If they were easy, they'd call 'em something else.
But if I were Ginny, I'd have this guy crawling on his knees.
Well, let me tell you something about Ginny. Now, I love her as much as I love you. But she's a different person. Sometimes I worry about her. When you're given things kind of easily, you don't always appreciate them. With you, I'm not worried. When it happens to you, Samantha, it'll be forever.
Thanks for getting my undies back.
Thanks for coming over.
Thanks for coming to get me.
Happy birthday, Samantha. Make a wish.
It already came true. [they kiss]
You know, just now I really felt how much you like me.
You're probably zoning in on my brain waves or something.
Well, not really. I felt it on my leg.
Caroline Will you wake up?
Caroline I'll, uh, tell you where you are, if you tell me who you are.
I'm Farmer Ted.
Caroline You're in the parking lot across the street from my church.
You own a church?
I know I came on kinda like a poser on the bus tonight and everything. But... that's just so my friends won't think, you know, I'm a jerk.
But they're all pretty much jerks, though, aren't they?
Yeah, but, the thing is, I'm kinda like the leader, you know? Kinda like the king of the dipwads.
Well, that's pretty cool. Hey, but a lot can happen over a year. I mean, you could come back next Fall as a completely normal person.
