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She's Out of My League

She's Out of My League quotes

22 total quotes

View Quote Stainer: Foler, you have a choice, you can step aside, or you can fight me. If that's how you wanna go, I warn you, I will go Dark Side. I will rip out your hair, I'll bite your chin off, and I will stab you in the eyes with confiscated scissors. Because I am an insane mother****er! You know that from the breakroom! What's it gonna be?
Foler: [Shrugs and lets them through]
View Quote Stainer: I love Kirky, but let's face it, the guy's a five.
Devon: Stainer, that's just a dirty pool. He's at least a six.
Stainer: A six? Alright you go ahead and pump rainbows into his asshole. I'm just being honest.
Jack: Come on, cut him some slack. Look. Half a point because he's a nice guy. Right? And he's funny, so that's half a point each. That brings him to six. Devon's right.
Stainer: But he drives a shitbox, deduct a point. Take a point off.
Kirk: Wait, what's wrong with my Neon?
Stainer: Oh, I don't know. Except the people who make that car don't even like it. So, we're back to a five.
Jack: Five.
Stainer: Meanwhile, this Molly, is a hard ten. And that five point disparity, that's a chasm. Chasm? Chasm. You can't jump more than two points.
Kirk: Where do you get this shit?
Stainer: Trust me, Kirk. I can't even get a ten.
Jack: [chuckles] Oh, not even you, huh?
Stainer: I'm a six, okay?
Jack: Bullshit, you're a six. Then what am I?
Stainer: You're an eight.
Jack: Okay, you're a six then.
Stainer: But I get a one point bump because I'm in a band.
Kirk: Stainer, you're in a Hall and Oates cover band. I'm pretty sure that's a deducation.
Stainer: Adult Education is a tribute band. So that puts me back at seven. On a good day, the best I can bag is a nine.
Kirk: What about your crappy car?
Stainer: Artist's exemption. I'm expected to have a shitty car.
Jack: Is there an artist exemption for talking out your ass?
Stainer: Yeah, it's called being a rock star, Jack! Look it up in the dictionary. It's there. It's right next to "**** you"!
Devon: I think this system's ridiculous. All right? If someone really loves you, then you are a ten.
Jack: My God. What are you, Hannah Montana? Because nothing you are saying right now is of any help to Kirk.
View Quote Stainer: Let's face it, Marnie's kinda a skank. [Marnie appears] Oh, hey Marnie. We were just talking about Marnie the name, and how it's unfortunate it's not more common.
Marnie: **** you Stainer.
Stainer: But, you didn't let me finish. More common for skanks.
View Quote Stainer: Okay now I know you've gone crazy. You are telling me the hottest chick I've ever met in my life wants you, and the Hamburglar wasn't into me? Listen to yourself... **** YOU.
Devon: It is a pretty impressive catch, Kirkey.
Stainer: Yeah, the day that happens is the day Jack sleeps with your wife. [shocked silence] What? Did that already happen?
Devon: We weren't technically dating yet.
Stainer: My bad.
View Quote [Devon is shaving Kirk's privates]
Kirk: So how is this not gay?
Devon: I think there's nothing gay about it. The fact that you're letting a straight, married man shave your testicles...I think that makes you one of the most macho guys alive.
Kirk: There is some logic in that...
View Quote [First lines]
Kirk: Marnie, I know that we agreed to take some time off and I think that was a great idea. My God. Gave us both a chance to experiment, if you will, and meet all sorts of new and interesting, different people. You did quite a bit more experimenting than I did. A lot more experimenting. You are like a scientist. Beakers... But obviously I'm cool with that, because the thing is, I think, we're stronger as a result. But here's the thing, Marnie... it's been two years. That's a lot of time off. And I'm ready for some time on. I miss you. I miss us. I got something for you. [pulls out earring box; to his friends] What do you think?
Stainer: Aww, man. It's depressing. I mean, it's really depressing. It's horrible to watch you like this.
Devon: I think it's really pretty. How's it work? [opens box] Oh...
Jack: What the hell is that?
Kirk: I got it for Valentine's Day, right before she broke up with me. Stainer, I know you don't like her very much.
Stainer: No, no. I hate her. In fact, the day that you broke up with her, I marked that down in my calender as a day of rejoicement. I'm going to celebrate it with a cake with her face on it, but instead of eating it, we smash it. Okay? You can do a lot better. You deserve a lot better, Kirky.
Kirk: I thank you, but I've seen what's out there and I don't think it gets any better.
Jack: When have you been out there? When have you left the apartment?
Kirk: I went out on four different dates, with three girls and that guy. I don't know what his intentions were, but it's fine. We had a great conversation. I think he was just looking for a friend.
Jack: Do you know what your problem is, Kirk?
Kirk: What?
Jack: You're a moodle.
Kirk: A moodle?
Jack: A man poodle. Girls, they want to take you out on a walk. They want to feed you, they want to cuddle you, but make no mistake, no girl wants to do the moodle.
Stainer: No one would ever **** a moodle.
Jack: No, he's right. I'm telling you, if you want to get Marnie back, she has got to believe that from the second she broke up with you, your life has been a non-stop snatch parade.
Devon: Or... you could just be who you are. Why can't that be good enough?
Stainer: [holding earring box] Why don't you just put your ****ing balls in here?
View Quote [Kirk is introducing Molly to his family]
Kirk: This is when you say "Hi Molly".
Dylan: Who are you?
Kirk: She is Molly.
Ron: Why is she here?
Kirk: She came with me.
Dylan: Did you hit her car or something?
Kirk: Jesus... No but thank you for asking.
Dylan: Are you a social worker?
Molly: Nope.
Dylan: Aw shit are we being evicted?
Kirk: No.
Dylan: Are you a hooker?
Debbie: Dylan!
Dylan: Or a prostitute I mean?