Dispatcher
[over radio]
Suspect is headed toward the uvula - repeat, headed toward the uvula.
What the heck is a u-va-la?
It's that little dangly thing that hangs down in Frank's--
Not that little dangly thing! The one in his throat!
Osmosis Jones
Chris Rock · 27 quotes
Drix
David Hyde Pierce · 17 quotes
Mrs. Boyd
Molly Shannon · 11 quotes
Mayor Charles Phlegmming
William Shatner · 9 quotes
Thrax
Laurence Fishburne · 9 quotes
Leah Estrogen
Brandy Norwood · 8 quotes
Frank DeTorre
Bill Murray · 7 quotes
Shane DeTorre
Elena Franklin · 7 quotes
Bob DeTorre
Chris Elliott · 5 quotes
Chief
Joel Silver · 5 quotes
Frank Detorri
3 quotes
Tom Colonic
Ron Howard · 1 quote
Most scenes together: Osmosis Jones & Drix (8), Osmosis Jones & Mrs. Boyd (5), Osmosis Jones & Leah Estrogen (3)
Osmosis Jones quotes
Page 1 of 7Attention, germs! You are surrounded! Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Uh-huh, uh-huh, surrounded!
Yo, Hammer! You can stop dancing!
Oh my, what big zits he has. How does something like this happen?
You wash your face with fried chicken, that's how.
Don't be all impressed, 'cause 99% of that is just sugar, ya know.
Yeah, and 99% of you is just stupid.
Ooh, like I haven't heard that one before!
This thing is huge.
Don't be all impressed 'cause 99 percent of that, is just sugar, ya know.
Yeah, and 99 percent of you is just stupid.
Baby, I always knew you and me were gonna hook up. I know this little spot right behind the eye, has the perfect view - perfect for a little rendezvous between me and you. You know what I'm sayin'? Do you know what I'm sayin'? 'Cause I been sayin' it a long time.
Jones, what in the world makes you think I would ever go out with you?
Whatcha talkin' about? I'm a legend, girl! The chicks line up to divide with me.
Oh, really? 'Cause to me you look like the kind of cell who most likely divides with himself.
Goodbye, Drips.
That's Drix.
Whatever.
I bet Johnny Streptoccocis in the Melanoma family would be very interested to hear about your flu shot work.
Flu Shot
You can't jack me on that brother. I'm in the Virus Protection Program.
In the words of the immortal James Brown, get down!
James who?
Whoo-hoo! Next time, I'll be the bad cop.
You are a bad cop.
Yo, who ya calling "bad cop"?!
So, where you from, tough stuff?
I was developed at the University of Chicago, where I graduated Phi Beta Capsule.
Great, got me a college boy...
Where did you study?
Study? When you grow up on the wrong side of the digestive track, you ain't got no money for no fancy schools.
Oh...
I'm not kiddin', man. My school was Crack Central.
Oh?
No, it was in the crack. [Drix whimpers] Right in the stanky, puckered center. We were so poor, we lived off of peanut butter and cellulite sandwiches! You ever try to blow-dry your hair with a fart?
OK, I get it. You were poor.
You bet I was! You ever try to make a snowman out of toilet paper cling-ons? Now that's poor!
OK, please, you're going to make me vomit!
Vomit? We couldn't afford no vomit; that's for rich folk.
Excuse me while I wipe my eyes.
Oh, you wanna talk about wiping?
NO!
Scabies
Did the Foot Fungus pay up yet?
Joe Cramp
Nah. That guy's getting flaky on us.
Scabies
Well, you ain't gonna collect nothin' from him up here in the pit! Now get down there, send him a message.
[Thrax strolls into the sweat gland spa, humming]
So, this is where the scum of Frank comes to fester.
Bruiser
Hey, you lost, pal? This is a private sweat-gland. Now beat it!
I'm looking for volunteers, yo. Some nasty germs who want in on a big score.
Scabies
Yo, Red, we run the rackets around here. Take your little hustle someplace else.
Oh, baby, this ain't about no hustle. This is about the baddest illness any of y'all have ever seen.
Scabies
Look who thinks he's the ebola virus, huh? [he and his thugs laugh]
[angrily]
...Ebola? [shoves past Bruiser and Joe Cramp] Let me tell you about ebola, baby: ebola is a case of DANDRUFF compared to me!
Scabies
All right, pal, you're outta here. Bruiser, take this punk up to the face and bury him in a blackhead. When we're done with you, it'll take a Swedish facialist and six steaming washcloths to get you out!
Hmm, sounds like a gas, baby. Bring it on.
I'm not going.
Frank
You're not going where, hon?
To Buffalo. I'm not going.
Frank
Honey, I'm- we're all packed. Buffalo's gonna be a blast.
I'm going camping with my friends. You're welcome to join us.
Frank
Well, I don't think-
I'd really like you to come.
Frank
No. No, no. No, no, no, I- You don't want me huffing and puffing after you. If you want to go camping, Okay, I'll-- I know I can get uncle Bob to go with me in Buffalo. [lays down on couch]
[frustrated]
I'm tired of this! It's not fair! I go where you want to go, I eat what you want to eat. Don't you ever think of anyone other than yourself?
Frank
I think about you all the time.
Were you thinking about me when you packed me a fried Slim Jim sandwich for lunch?
Frank
Yeah, it was a turkey Slim Jim!
You know, dad, maybe if you and mom listened to me a little more and took better care of yourselves, maybe she'd still be here.
Frank
Will you knock off that hamburger talk? Come here, honey. Hey... [Shane sits next to him] your mom died... because she got sick.
And how do you think you get sick?
Frank
Germs.
It's the way you eat. [Shane rolls her eyes and sighs frustratingly; leaves room]
And who are you?
Who am I? Who am I? Uh, Bad Booty-shakin' Pickanosis. Yeah! That's who I am!
I never heard of you.
That's cause you just got here. You ask any of these suckers, when it comes to illin', Bad Booty-shakin' Pickanosis stands above the rest.
[deleted scene]
The eye? What are we doing here? Do I have to remind you that I am on a strict twelve hour time release program? First the throat, then the nose, then the aches and pains.
Yeah, I got it. Real important stuff. Now, get your butt out of my car!
Oh! I don't even have a butt. Officer, if I don't get to the sinuses, my entire relief mission could be jeopardized.
Yo, it's time we take a look at the big picture. See? The Big F. He's the one we're here to protect and serve. I mean, just look at him. Doesn't he make you want to be a better cell?
Hey, watch it! Show the man some respect! He's the reason all of us are here.
Take me to the nose!
Dude, just wait in the car. I got police work to do.