The Great Man, W.C. Fields/Uncle Bill [to a pretty girl]
Hi ya tootie-pie. Everything under control? [the girl's boyfriend punches him] All five of 'em hit me at once.
Played by W.C. Fields 
Never Give a Sucker an Even Break (1941) · 28 quotes
Never Give a Sucker an Even Break (1941) · 28 quotes
Most-quoted character in Never Give a Sucker an Even Break (1941): in 22 of its 28 quotes
Most scenes with: Gloria Jean (3), Waitress (3)
No extra charge for the cold shower I hope.
More lines from The Great Man, W.C. Fields/Uncle Bill
9 quotes The Great Man, W.C. Fields/Uncle Bill The Great Man, W.C. Fields/Uncle Bill I don't know why I ever come in here - The flies get the best of everything.
The Great Man, W.C. Fields/Uncle Bill [about a large Turkish passenger]
Do you travel as one person or do you get a party rate of ten?
The Great Man, W.C. Fields/Uncle Bill [offering a cure for insomnia]
Get plenty of sleep. That's what the doctor told me.
The Great Man, W.C. Fields/Uncle Bill [after falling from a plane, and landing on a mattress]
Why didn't I think of that parachute? What a bump!
The Great Man, W.C. Fields/Uncle Bill [to Gloria Jean]
Don't you want to live in this beautiful nest, have a personal maid, wear a diaphanous gown, and eat regularly?
The Great Man, W.C. Fields/Uncle Bill I feel as though somebody stepped on my tongue with muddy feet.
The Great Man, W.C. Fields/Uncle Bill There's no sense arguing with a woman.
The Great Man, W.C. Fields/Uncle Bill Lucky we didn't have an accident...We'd never have made it.
Scenes with The Great Man, W.C. Fields/Uncle Bill
12 scenes Fields Is there any goulash on this menu?
And another thing. You're always squawking about something. If it isn't the steak, it's something else.
Fields I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
You're as funny as a cry for help.
Fields You used to be an old Follies girl?
You know, there's something awfully big about you. [pause] Your nose.
Fields [Looking at her rear end]
There's something awfully big about you too.
And another thing, don't be so free with your hands.
Fields Listen honey. I was only trying to guess your weight. You take things too seriously.
Receptionist [talking on the phone]
You big hotty-dottie. You smoke vile cigars all day and drink whiskey half the night. Someday, you'll drown in a vat of whiskey.
Fields Drown in a vat of whiskey. Death where is thy sting?
Flight Attendant
Are you air sick?
Fields Somebody put too many olives in my martinis last night.
Why didn't you ever marry?
Fields I was in love with a beautiful blonde once, dear. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.
Ouliotta
Are you really a man?
Fields Well, I've been called other things.
Peter Carson
[about Mrs. Hemoglobin]
She has a bank roll so big a greyhound couldn't leap over it.
Fields She seemed like an awfully nice woman to me.
We're falling two thousand feet!
Fields All right, dear. Don't start worrying until we get down to one-thousand, nine-hundred, and ninety-nine. It's the last foot that's dangerous.
But how can you look out for me when I'm here and you're way down there?
Fields You want to go to school, don't you?...You want to grow up and be dumb like ZaSu Pitts?
Radio report
...two crooks who have just held up the bank for one hundred and fifty thousand...that is all.
Fields That is all? A hundred and fifty thousand. That's all. It ain't hay, is it?
Radio report
...One crook - slight build, evidently a jockey, has a horse scar behind his left ear...other crook has corn teeth, cauliflower ear, apple-red cheeks, mutton-chop whiskers.
Fields Sounds like a full-course dinner to me! What? No apple pie?
Fields (to a heckling youngster): You're about to fall heir to a kitten stocking.
Kid
What's a kitten stocking?
Fields A sock on the puss!