Kermit [giving directions to Fozzy]
Bear left.
Right frog.
Voiced by Jim Henson 
The Muppets Movie (1979) · 41 quotes
The Muppets Movie (1979) · 41 quotes
Most-quoted character in The Muppets Movie (1979): in 14 of its 41 quotes
Most scenes with: Fozzie (5), Miss Piggy (3)
Scenes with Kermit
14 scenes Kermit [discovering that their car was painted by The Electric Mayhem]
I don't know how to thank you guys!
Kermit I don't know why to thank you guys.
Kermit Where did you learn to drive?
I took a correspondence course.
Kermit the Frog The El Sleezo Cafe. Hmm, Foreign food. Well, It doesn't smell promising. But a frog's gotta eat. (Gasps when a man is kicked out of the cafe) (to the man) Wow! Rough place, Huh?
The El Sleezo Cafe owner That's the toughest, meanest, filthiest pest over the face of the earth!
Kermit the Frog Well, Why not complain to the owner?
The El Sleezo Cafe owner I am the owner!
Kermit Uh, Miss Piggy, Is that you?
Doc Hopper Yes, That's her. And this is Doc Hopper. Let me tell you something. Come outside of the hotel right now. My guys will be waiting for you.
Kermit But what if I don't!
Doc Hopper Then your pig friend will be ham-hocked for breakfast.
(Screams)
No, Kermie. Don't don't.....
[Doc Hopper hangs up the phone and laughs at Miss Piggy]
Doctor Max Krassman I must reach the switch, I must. Reach it....
HAI-YAH! (Crashes into the machine) (To Kermit) Come out, Kermit!
Kermit the Frog (In tears of joy)
Oh, Thank you!
Doctor Max Krassman [Miss Piggy kicks the mad doctor and sets off the machine] (Screams when he leans on the chair)
, Ribbit! Ribbit! Ribbit! Ribbit! Ha! (He faints)
Rowlf
Oh. Broken heart, right?
Kermit [sadly]
Does it show?
Rowlf
Listen. When you've been tickling the ivories as long as I have, you've seen a broken heart for every drop of rain, a shattered dream for every falling star.
Kermit Exactly. She just walked out on me.
Rowlf
Yeah, typical. That's why I live alone.
Kermit You do, huh?
Rowlf
You bet. I finish work, I go home, read a book, have a couple of beers, take myself for a walk and go to bed.
Kermit Nice and simple.
Rowlf
Stay away from women, that's my motto.
Kermit But I can't.
Rowlf
Neither can I. That's my trouble.
Kermit, where're we?
Kermit [looking at a map]
Well, let's see. We're just traveling down this little green line here, and uh, just crossed that little pink line over here.
[takes his eyes off the road to focus on the map]
Look, why don't we just take that little blue line, huh?
Kermit We can't take that. That's a river.
Oh. I knew that.
Kermit Yeah sure.
Well, listen Kermit, why don't we just go and...
Kermit [cutting him off]
Fozzie? Uh, Fozzie?
Yeah?
Kermit Who's driving?
Kermit I didn't promise anybody anything. What do I know about Hollywood, anyway? Just a dream I got from sitting through too many double features.
Kermit's Conscience So why did you leave the swamp in the first place?
Kermit 'Cause some agent fella said I had talent. He probably says that to everybody.
Kermit's Conscience On the other hand, if you hadn't left the swamp, you'd be feeling pretty miserable anyhow.
Kermit Yeah. But then it would just be me feeling miserable. Now I got a lady pig, and a bear and a chicken, a dog, a thing, whatever Gonzo is. He's a little like a turkey.
Kermit's Conscience Mmm - Yeah. A little like a turkey, but not much.
Kermit No I guess not. Anyhow, I brought them all out here to the middle of nowhere, and it's all my fault.
Kermit's Conscience Still, whether you promised them something or not, you gotta remember - they wanted to come.
Kermit But... that's because they believed in me.
Kermit's Conscience No, they believed in the dream.
Kermit Well, so do I but...
Kermit's Conscience You do?
Kermit Yeah! Of course I do.
Kermit's Conscience Well then?
Kermit Well then... I guess I was wrong when I said I never promised anyone. I promised me.
Bernie the Agent HELP! HELLO! THIS'S A SERIOUS CALL FOR HELP!
Kermit the Frog Uh, Yeah?
Bernie the Agent SOMEONE? HELP! Oh, You, you with the banjo. Can you help me? I have lost my sense of direction!
Kermit the Frog Have you tried Hare Krishna?
Bernie the Agent (chuckles)
No. No, I mean, I'm really lost.
Kermit the Frog Uh, one second. (snaps at fly) Darn, I missed. You know, that's the first thing to go on a frog, his tongue. The tongue goes and you can't catch flies.
Bernie the Agent Oh, that's rough, I'm sorry about your tongue, but, I have to get out of this swamp. I have to catch a plane.
Kermit the Frog With that tongue? No way! But seriously, there's a boat dock just downstream.
Bernie the Agent Thank you.
Kermit the Frog Just watch for the alligators.
Bernie the Agent I will. Alligators!?
Kermit the Frog That's right.
Bernie the Agent Did you say, alligators?
Kermit the Frog Read my lips "Al-li-ga-tors".
Bernie the Agent It's just that I'm not used to alligators where I come from. See, I'm an agent. I winged in from Hollywood.
Kermit the Frog Hollywood?
Bernie the Agent: That's right.
Kermit the Frog Did you say "Hollywood"?
Bernie the Agent Read my lips, Hol-ly-wood. You know, [singing] Hollywood. The dream factory, the magic store. Hey, don't you ever go to the movies?
Kermit the Frog Oh, sure, there's a double feature in town every Saturday.
Bernie the Agent (Snaps his finger)
Wait a minute, wait a minute. (Grabs the newspaper ad to Kermit to read) There's an ad in here that you should be very interested in. Feast your eyes on that.
Kermit the Frog Uh, "World Wide Studios announces open auditions for frogs wishing to become rich and famous?" Well, thanks anyway, but I'm really pretty happy where I am.
Bernie the Agent Oh, oh, if I were you, I would give this audition very careful consideration. You've got talent, kid--singin', tellin' jokes, I mean, if you get your tongue fixed, who knows? You could make millions of people happy.
Kermit the Frog Millions of people happy...
Bernie the Agent Millions! Hey, If you ever come west to Hollywood, look me up, Bernie the Agent.
Kermit the Frog Hey, listen, Bernie the agent, why don't you say hello to Arnie the alligator?
Bernie the Agent What!? (rows away in a panic, yelling as the alligators pursues him)
Kermit the Frog Arnie! Arnie, wait a minute. Careful, Arnie.
Bernie the Agent STAY! STAY!
Kermit the Frog Arnie, that's okay, leave him alone! He's from Hollywood.
Sgt. Floyd Pepper When do you dudes have to be at the audition?
Kermit the Frog 2:00 tomorrow afternoon!
Dr. Teeth
Well, Then climb aboard the bus! We will have breakfast at Hollywood and vine!
Kermit the Frog A motorcycle cop is chasing us! [We see a police officer on motorcycle chasing the bus] Hey, Dr. Teeth, You better pull over.
Dr. Teeth
Easier done than said. [The police officer gets off his motor cycle]. Hey! Hey! Hey! It's the man with the badge. The police, the cops, the fuzz, the P.I....
DON'T YOU DARE!!
Dr. Teeth
I wouldn't think of it.
Kermit the Frog Did we do something wrong, Officer?
[The police officer reveals to be Doc Hopper's friend, Max] .
Crowd
Oh, look.
Kermit, it's him.
Kermit the Frog Okay, guys. Let him explain.
Max This whole disguise is so that I can warn you.
Yeah, sure.
Max I never thought Doc was gonna hurt Kermit, I thought he was gonna lean on him! But now he's got this frog killer in from the coast! And the man's deadly!
[Everybody gasps]
Kermit the Frog Hey, Dr. Teeth! What's straight ahead?
Dr. Teeth
Just an old ghost town.
Kermit the Frog Good. Just tell Doc Hopper, I will wait for him there.
Max WHAT?!?
But, Kermit! You are going to get killed!
Kermit the Frog Hey, listen. I cannot spend my whole life running away from bullies. It's time for a showdown.
Scooter (Holds the clapboard the wrong way)
Okay, Muppet Movie, Scenery 1A, Take One! (Hurts his hand from the clapboard)
Beaker
Makeup's ready!
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
Sound's ready.
Kermit the Frog (On Megaphone)
Okay, Stand by, Here we go!
Doc Hopper and Clan [Animal mighty roars at Doc Hopper and his villains before they're gonna run away]
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kermit the Frog [Max, who's not screaming, gives Kermit and the gang thumps up with a smile and leaves] [surprised, relieved, then turns to his friends]
Everybody, on to Hollywood!
[Muppets cheering]
