Guido quotes from Life Is Beautiful (1997)

Guido

What kind of place is this? It's beautiful: Pigeons fly, women fall from the sky! I'm moving here!

Guido

The game starts now. You have to score one thousand points. If you do that, you take home a tank with a big gun. Each day we will announce the scores from that loudspeaker. The one who has the fewest points will have to wear a sign that says "Jackass" on his back. There are three ways to lose points. One, if you cry. Two, if you ask to see your mother. Three, if you're hungry and ask for a snack. Forget it!

Guido

You can do anything you want in the city. If you want to yell, yell. (His friend yells) Guido: Stop it! What are you, crazy? You can’t act like you do in the country. You’ve been acting like a madman. You can’t yell!

Guido

You are such a good boy. You sleep now. Dream sweet dreams. Maybe it’s only a dream! We’re dreaming, Joshua. Tomorrow morning, Mommy will wake us up with milk and cookies.

Guido

I forgot to tell you.

Dora

Go ahead.

Guido

You can't imagine how much I feel like making love to you. But I'll never tell anyone, especially not you. They'd have to torture me to make me say it.

Dora

Say what?

Guido

That I want to make love to you - not just once, but over and over again! But I'll never tell you that. I'd have to be crazy to tell you. I'd even make love to you now... right here for the rest of my life.

Guido

Mary! Send down the key! (speaking to the woman in the window)

Dora

Mary! Send someone to give [him] a dry hat!

Guido

What are your political views?

Benito, Adolf! Be good !... Sorry Guido, what did you say?

Guido

How far do I bow? I suppose I can even go 180 degrees.

Think of a sunflower, they bow to the sun. But if you see some that are bowed too far down, it means they're dead. You're here serving, you're not a servant. Serving is the supreme art. God is the first of servants. God serves men, but he's not a servant to men.

Giosu?

"No Jews or Dogs Allowed." Why do all the shops say, "No Jews Allowed"?

Guido

Oh, that. "Not Allowed" signs are the latest trend! The other day, I was in a shop with my Chinese friend and his pet kangaroo, but their sign said, "No Chinese or Kangaroos Allowed," and I said to my friend, "Well, what can I do? They don't allow kangaroos."

Giosu?

We let everyone in our shop, don't we?

Guido

Well, tomorrow, we'll put one up. We won't let in anything we don't like. What don't you like?

Giosu?

Spiders.

Guido

Good I don't like Visigoths. Tomorrow, we'll get a sign: "No Spiders or Visigoths Allowed."

Guido

You've never ridden on a train, have you? They're fantastic! Everybody stands up, close together, and there are no seats!

Giosu?

There aren't any seats?

Guido

Seats? On a train? It's obvious you've never ridden one before! No, everybody's packed in, standing up. Look at this line to get on! Hey, we've got tickets, save room for us!

Bartolomeo

They are looking for someone who speaks German, to translate their instructions.

Bartolomeo

Do you speak German?

Guido

No.

Guido (to Giosue)

I told you we’re going to have fun.

Where is Uncle going?

Guido

Uh... oh, he's playing on a different team. Goodbye, Uncle!

Goodbye, Uncle.

They turn us into buttons and soap.

Guido

Who told you that?

An old man was crying. He said they turn us into buttons and soap.

Guido

You fell for that? Again? I thought you were a sharp boy – cunning, intelligent. Buttons and soap out of people? That’ll be the day!

Guido

The prize is... the prize is...

A tank.

Guido

Yes! Yes, the prize is a tank.

I already have one.

Guido

No, a real one.

A real tank?

Guido

Did you play with the other kids?

Yes, but they don’t know the rules. They said it isn’t true that the first prize is a tank. They don’t know anything about points.

Guido

Did you fall for that? They’re as sly as foxes. They want to beat you. Are you joking? There’s no tank? Don’t you believe them!

Giosué

Look, they stopped the train to let Mom get on.

Guido

Dora...