Bart
Sun even shines on a dog's ass some days.
Greenie
You getting a dog?
Jersey Girl quotes
Bart
Try acting like a father, shit-head.
Boy #5
Okay, it's like this. My dog ate my paper. I checked, but he didn't poop it out.
Gertie
I hate you! I hate you! I wish you died, not MOMMY!
Ollie
I hate you right back, you little shit! You and your mom took my life away from me. I just want it back!
Gertrude
[very pregnant Gertrude is getting ready for the VMAs]
You try getting ready quickly when you look like this! I'm so fat and there's going to be nothing but beautiful skinny girls there!
Ollie
That's because they're all coked-out whores, honey.
Gertrude
[now crying]
I want to be a coked-out whore!
Maya
I do it at least twice a day.
Ollie
Good God!
Maya
That was kind of sweet. I'm kind of crushing on you right now, Trinkle.
Ollie
"Cats" is the second worst thing that ever happened in New York City.
Ollie
George Michael is all about the ladies. "I want your sex". Does that sound like he's singing to a guy?
Ollie
They're just skinny because they're coked-out whores.
Gertrude
[sobbing]
I want to be a coked-out whore!
Ollie
Okay, you can be a coked-out whore. You can be a coked-out, coked-out whore.
Ollie
[to Gertie]
You're the only thing I was ever good at.
Ollie
[after talking to Gertie, after finding her with Brian without their pants on]
Do you have any questions about what you saw?
Gertie
[thinking hard]
Do you have what Brian has?
Ollie
Yes.
Gertie
[after thinking hard again]
Is it as big as his?
Ollie
Sadly, yes.
Teacher
[first lines]
Everyone, please take your seats. You heard the bell. You know what it means. Last week, the assignment was to write an essay about your family. Who they...
Teacher
[class: "Are!"]
And what they...
Teacher
[class: "Mean to us!"]
Excellent droning.
Gertie
[last lines]
Thank you, daddy.
Ollie
Anything for you, Gert. You know why?
Gertie
Why?
Ollie
Because you're the only thing I was ever really good at.