The Baron I am a baron you silly man!
Played by Jonathan Hadary 
Intolerable Cruelty (2003) · 37 quotes
Intolerable Cruelty (2003) · 37 quotes
Most-quoted character in Intolerable Cruelty (2003): in 21 of its 37 quotes
Most scenes with: Miles Massey (14), Marylin Rexroth (8), Wrigley (5)
Has any one got some bones?
More lines from The Baron
2 quotes The Baron The Baron [Pointing to Rex Rexroth]
I introduced her to that silly man.
Scenes with The Baron
18 scenes
Rex
My wife has me between a rock and a hard place.
That's her job. You should respect that.
Objection, Your Honor: strangling the witness.
Judge Marva Munson
I'm going to allow it.
So you propose, that in spite demonstrable infidelity on your part, your unoffending wife should be tossed out on her ear.
Rex
Is it possible?
It's a challenge.
I guess, something inside of me died, when I realized that you'd hired a goon to kill me.
Wait a minute. You hired him to kill me.
No. Both of you wait a minute. Nobody hired anyone to kill anyone.
Hear, hear.
Apparently, from what I can gather, a burglar broke into your house.
Miles's house.
Whatever. A burglar broke in intending to loot the place, uh, repented, became despondent over his lifestyle and shot himself.
"Dismiss your vows, your feigned tears, your flattery, for where a heart is hard, they make no battery..." Mrs. Rexroth, do you know those lines?
Objection, your honor.
Judge Marva Munson
Grounds?
Uh... poetry recitation.
Mrs. Gutman Sometimes there would be a gizmo.
Mrs. Gutman's Lawyer
A gizmo?
Mrs. Gutman He had a device he called the Intruder. It was something he had the engineers at the factory design. And then he had a prototype built out of the parts from our vacuum cleaner.
Mrs. Gutman's Lawyer
I see.
Mrs. Gutman So the vacuum cleaner wasn't available to me for several months.
Mrs. Gutman's Lawyer
Several months without the appliance.
Mrs. Gutman Yes.
Uh, I'll just have a, um, salad, please. Um, baby field greens.
Nero's Waitress What did you call me?
Uh, no, I-I... I-I didn't call you anything.
Nero's Waitress You want a salad?
Yeah. Do you... Do you have a, uh, green salad?
Nero's Waitress What the **** color would it be?
Why are we eating here?
Nero's Waitress What's his problem?
Just bring him an iceberg lettuce and a mealy tomato wedge smothered with French Dressing.
Nero's Waitress And for you?
Ham sandwich on stale rye bread. Lots of mayo, easy on the ham.
Nero's Waitress Slaw Cup?
What the hell.
Rex Rexroth
Have you sat before her before?
No. No, the judge sits first. Then we sit.
Rex Rexroth
Well, have you sat after her before?
Sat after her before? You mean, have we argued before her before?
The judge sits in judgment. The counsel argues before the judge.
Rex Rexroth
So, have you argued before her before?
Before her before, or before she sat before?
Rex Rexroth
Before her before. I said, before her before.
No, you said before she sat before.
Rex Rexroth
I did at first, but...
Look, don't argue.
Rex Rexroth
I'm not. I'm...
No, you don't argue. We argue.
Counsel argues.
You appear.
The judge sits.
Then you sit.
Or you stand in contempt.
And then we argue.
The counsel argues.
Rex Rexroth
Which you've done before.
Which we've done before.
Rex Rexroth
Ah.
But not before her.
They bought Massey's argument. If I lied or cheated and was with Rex only for his money, then he shouldn't have to give me any.
Sarah Sorkin Well, that makes no sense. Why else would you put in all those years?
Howard. You named him after your ex.
I'm sentimental.
What do you think?
What are they, ladles?
Berry spoons.
Spoons?
Berry spoons. Everybody has spoons.
And nobody *needs* berry spoons.
Everybody eats berries.
Who are you, Pollyanna? Where'd you see 'em at? A Martha Stewart catalog right next to the silver napkin rings? Stadium seat ass-warmers?
If you have a proposal to make, let's hear it.
Well, at this point, my client is still prepared to consider reconciliation.
My client's ruled that out.
My client is prepared to entertain an amicable dissolution to the marriage without prejudice.
That's a fart in a stiff wind.
My client proposes a 30-day cooling-off period.
My client feels sufficiently dispassionate.
My client asks that you not initiate proceedings pending his setting certain affairs in order.
All right, so much for the ice-breakers. What are you after, Freddy? [takes a drink of water]
My client is prepared to settle for 50 percent of the marital assets. [Miles spits out some water]
Why only 50, Freddy? Why not a hundred? While we're dreaming, why not 150? Are you familiar with "Kershner"?
"Kershner" does not apply.
Bring this to trial, we'll see if "Kershner" applies.
Rex
What's "Kershner"?
Please, let me handle this.
"Kershner" was in Kentucky.
"Kershner" was in Kentucky?
"Kershner" was in Kentucky.
All right, Freddy, forget "Kershner". What's your bottom line?
Primary residence, 30 percent of remaining assets.
What, are you nuts? Have you forgotten "Kershner"?
Attila the Hun. Ivan the Terrible. Henry the Eighth. What do they have in common?
Rex
I don't know... She has Rottweilers.
Not a good sign.
Audience
[chanting]
Nail your ass! Nail your ass! Nail your ass!
...and those Rottweilers were a menace, man!
I told you she had dogs.
You didn't tell me they had a hard on for Anus Africanus!
