[Police officer placing a suspect into a cruiser on COPS on TV]
Come on, asshole! Go on! Take him to jail!
This is Peterson, your new replacement.
My what? I'm gettin' replaced?
Yeah, they didn't tell you?
No.
Some new assignment. They're being all weird and hush-hush about it.
I don't want a new assignment. I tell Sergeant Metsler that every time. I'm good at this.
Good at what? Sittin' on ass? No one ever comes in here.
Yeah, I know. It's perfect for me. No one bothers me. I can't screw up. If I can just stay in here another eight years, I get my pension. I'm all set. Can you just get me out of this?
No way. Not this time. It's coming from high up.
Jesus. I don't understand. Why me? Every time Metsler says, "Lead, follow, or get out of the way," I get out of the way.
When he says that, you're not supposed to choose "get out of the way." It's supposed to embarrass you into leading or at least following.
That doesn't embarrass me.
Look, Joe. You don't have a choice. You're just gonna have to follow. Like, follow me upstairs, like, now.
Right now? Shouldn't I train this guy?
I think he can figure out how to sit on his ass and watch TV all day. Let's go.
...
[Sgt. Collins giving a presentation before Army Generals in a boardroom]
Gentlemen, meet Joe Bauers... our first subject for the Human Hibernation Experiment. Now, as you know, throughout the years... many of our best pilots, soldiers and military leaders... often go their entire careers without ever seeing battle. With the Human Hibernation Project, we will be able to save our best men... frozen in their prime, for use when they are needed most. Joe, here, is not one of our best men. Mr. Bauers was chosen primarily for how remarkably average he is. Extremely average in every category. Remarkable, truly. The most average person in our entire armed forces. Additionally, he has no family, is unmarried... is an only child, and both parents are deceased... making him an ideal candidate, with no one to ask any nosy questions... should something go wrong with the experiment. We had a little less luck in finding a female researcher's dream within our ranks... and were forced to look into the private sector. This is Rita. Like Joe, she has no immediate family. Rita agreed to participate in this experiment... in exchange for dropping of certain criminal charges and a small fee. We did, however, have to come to an arrangement with her pimp... a gentleman who goes by the name Upgrayedd, which he spells thusly-- With two D's, as he says, for a double dose of this pimping. Upgrayedd agreed to loan us Rita for exactly one year... and keep quiet on the matter, in exchange for certain leeways... with the local authorities in running his pimp game. First, however, there was the difficult challenge of gaining his trust. [Progressing through slideshow with photos of exploits with Upgrayedd and his subordinates]
Collins, could we skip to the technicals, please?
Sure. Let me just finish here. You see, a pimp's love is very different from that of a square.
[Slideshow reals many photos with Upgrayedd's posse]
Collins!
Fine. We'll move on. It is a fascinating world though.
Jesus, Collins.
Yeah, that's-- Anyway, the experiment in which these two subjects... are to be placed into a dry freeze... for exactly one year is set to begin tomorrow. As you know, this is highly classified. However, if successful, we believe humans can be stored indefinitely.
...
Oh, I ain't in the service.
Oh, private sector. Okay.
So, uh, what do you do?
A little of this, a little of that.
Wow, that's great. You know, I really envy people that can make a living that way-- doing a little of this and a little of that. I, uh, had a neighbor, Glen. He used to make chainsaw sculptures... and then he'd sell 'em at the flea market.
Yeah.
So, uh, you an artist or somethin'?
Uh, yeah.
You do paintings or-
Yeah, paintings.
Okay, great.
Mm-hmm.
What do you paint mostly?
I don't know, just... people and fruit and shit.
Wow. Well, must be great to be able to make a living doing something you love.
Yeah. It's not all it's cracked up to be.
Who wants to go first?
Me. What the f-- Oh, hell, no. Uh-uh. Hey, no. You probably don't want to do that with the I.V.s attached and all.
What's the matter?
Man, Upgrayedd didn't tell me they'd be putting me... in no damn coffin with tubes and shit!
Oh, no, don't worry about it. It'll be safe. Trust me.
Who's Upgrayedd?
He's my boyfriend. Man, how do you know this shit's safe?
These guys know what they're doing. Don't worry. They've tested it on dogs and everything. What happens is, the drugs will kick in, we drift off to sleep... we wake up in a year, you'll be paintin' again. It'll be fine.
All right.
Upgrayedd. That's an interesting name. Is he Dutch? See, 'cause I knew this, uh, Dutch exchange student. His name was Untgrad.
Okay, my ****, we're almost set here. Just go ahead and lie down. Relax. See you in a year.
