Joe quotes from Idiocracy (2006)

People wrote books and movies, movies that had stories, so you cared whose ass it was and why it was farting.

Why me? Every time Metzler says, "Lead, follow, or get out of the way," I get out of the way.

Sgt. Keller

Yeah, when he says that, you're not supposed to choose "get out of the way." It's supposed to embarrass you into leading, or at least following.

That doesn't embarrass me.

Where's...?

Frito

Hold on. Shut up.

Where's Officer Collins?

Frito

Shut up!

Are we on base?

Frito

I'll base your ass on my fist- face- ass! Shut up!

I'm sorry, it's just, where am I?

Frito

Shut up! I told you already.

Frito

Yeah! Won't Shut up! Come in here and not shut up. Yeah, you're like "I'm not shuttin' up..."

Please speak your name as it appears on your current federal identity card. Document number G24L8.

I'm not sure if—

You have entered the name "Not Sure". Is this correct, Not Sure?

No, it's not correct.

Thank you. "Not" is correct. Is "Sure" correct?

No it's not. My name is Joe—

You've already confirmed your first name is "Not". Please confirm your last name "Sure".

My last name is not "Sure".

Thank you, "Not Sure".

No. What I mean is that my name is Joe.

Confirmation is complete. Please wait while I tattoo your new identity on your arm.

Man, I could really go for a Starbucks, you know?

Frito

Yeah, well, I really don't think we have time for a hand job, Joe.

Rita

You think Einstein walked around thinkin' everyone was a bunch of dumb shits?

Yeah. Hadn't thought of that.

Rita

Now you know why he built that bomb.

Come on, asshole! Go on! Take him to jail!

Hey, Bauers.

Bauers

This is Peterson, your new replacement.

My what? I'm gettin' replaced?

Bauers

Yeah, they didn't tell you?

No.

Bauers

Some new assignment. They're being all weird and hush-hush about it.

I don't want a new assignment. I tell Sergeant Metsler that every time. I'm good at this.

Bauers

Good at what? Sittin' on ass? No one ever comes in here.

Yeah, I know. It's perfect for me. No one bothers me. I can't screw up. If I can just stay in here another eight years, I get my pension. I'm all set. Can you just get me out of this?

Bauers

No way. Not this time. It's coming from high up.

Jesus. I don't understand. Why me? Every time Metsler says, "Lead, follow, or get out of the way," I get out of the way.

Bauers

When he says that, you're not supposed to choose "get out of the way." It's supposed to embarrass you into leading or at least following.

That doesn't embarrass me.

Bauers

Look, Joe. You don't have a choice. You're just gonna have to follow. Like, follow me upstairs, like, now.

Right now? Shouldn't I train this guy?

Bauers

I think he can figure out how to sit on his ass and watch TV all day. Let's go.
...

Gentlemen, meet Joe Bauers... our first subject for the Human Hibernation Experiment. Now, as you know, throughout the years... many of our best pilots, soldiers and military leaders... often go their entire careers without ever seeing battle. With the Human Hibernation Project, we will be able to save our best men... frozen in their prime, for use when they are needed most. Joe, here, is not one of our best men. Mr. Bauers was chosen primarily for how remarkably average he is. Extremely average in every category. Remarkable, truly. The most average person in our entire armed forces. Additionally, he has no family, is unmarried... is an only child, and both parents are deceased... making him an ideal candidate, with no one to ask any nosy questions... should something go wrong with the experiment. We had a little less luck in finding a female researcher's dream within our ranks... and were forced to look into the private sector. This is Rita. Like Joe, she has no immediate family. Rita agreed to participate in this experiment... in exchange for dropping of certain criminal charges and a small fee. We did, however, have to come to an arrangement with her pimp... a gentleman who goes by the name Upgrayedd, which he spells thusly-- With two D's, as he says, for a double dose of this pimping. Upgrayedd agreed to loan us Rita for exactly one year... and keep quiet on the matter, in exchange for certain leeways... with the local authorities in running his pimp game. First, however, there was the difficult challenge of gaining his trust. [Progressing through slideshow with photos of exploits with Upgrayedd and his subordinates]

Collins, could we skip to the technicals, please?

Sure. Let me just finish here. You see, a pimp's love is very different from that of a square.

Collins!

Fine. We'll move on. It is a fascinating world though.

Jesus, Collins.

Yeah, that's-- Anyway, the experiment in which these two subjects... are to be placed into a dry freeze... for exactly one year is set to begin tomorrow. As you know, this is highly classified. However, if successful, we believe humans can be stored indefinitely.
...

What unit are you with?

Rita

Oh, I ain't in the service.

Rita

Oh, private sector. Okay.

So, uh, what do you do?

Rita

A little of this, a little of that.

Wow, that's great. You know, I really envy people that can make a living that way-- doing a little of this and a little of that. I, uh, had a neighbor, Glen. He used to make chainsaw sculptures... and then he'd sell 'em at the flea market.

Rita

Yeah.

So, uh, you an artist or somethin'?

Rita

Uh, yeah.

You do paintings or-

Rita

Yeah, paintings.

Okay, great.

Rita

Mm-hmm.

What do you paint mostly?

Rita

I don't know, just... people and fruit and shit.

Wow. Well, must be great to be able to make a living doing something you love.

Rita

Yeah. It's not all it's cracked up to be.

Officer Collins

Who wants to go first?

Rita

Me. What the f-- Oh, hell, no. Uh-uh. Hey, no. You probably don't want to do that with the I.V.s attached and all.

What's the matter?

Rita

Man, Upgrayedd didn't tell me they'd be putting me... in no damn coffin with tubes and shit!

Officer Collins

Oh, no, don't worry about it. It'll be safe. Trust me.

Who's Upgrayedd?

Rita

He's my boyfriend. Man, how do you know this shit's safe?

These guys know what they're doing. Don't worry. They've tested it on dogs and everything. What happens is, the drugs will kick in, we drift off to sleep... we wake up in a year, you'll be paintin' again. It'll be fine.

Rita

All right.

Upgrayedd. That's an interesting name. Is he Dutch? See, 'cause I knew this, uh, Dutch exchange student. His name was Untgrad.

Officer Collins

Okay, my ****, we're almost set here. Just go ahead and lie down. Relax. See you in a year.

For the last time, I'm pretty sure what's killing the crops is this Brawndo stuff.
Secretary of State: But Brawndo's got what plants crave. It's got electrolytes.

Attorney General

"So wait a minute. What you're saying is that you want us to put water on the crops.

Yes.

Attorney General

Water. Like out the toilet?

Well, I mean, it doesn't have to be out of the toilet, but, yeah, that's the idea.

Secretary of State

But Brawndo's got what plants crave.

Attorney General

It's got electrolytes.

Okay, look. The plants aren't growing, so I'm pretty sure that the Brawndo's not working. Now, I'm no botanist, but I do know that if you put water on plants, they grow.

Secretary of Energy

Well, I've never seen no plants grow out of no toilet.

Secretary of State

Hey, that's good. You sure you ain't the smartest guy in the world?

Okay, look. You want to solve this problem. I want to get my pardon. So why don't we just try it, okay, and not worry about what plants crave?

Attorney General

Brawndo's got what plants crave.

Secretary of Energy

Yeah, it's got electrolytes.

What are electrolytes? Do you even know?

Secretary of State

It's what they use to make Brawndo.

Yeah, but why do they use them to make Brawndo?

Secretary of Defense

'Cause Brawndo's got electrolytes.