Michael We're all going to die and they're never going to give me my license!
Played by Robert MacNaughton 
E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (1982) · 38 quotes
E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (1982) · 38 quotes
2nd most-quoted character in E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (1982): in 16 of its 38 quotes
Most scenes with: Elliott (14), Gertie (7), Mary (4)
Scenes with Michael
16 scenes Michael 
Michael Oh, great.
So you got an arrow right in your chest.
Don't worry. I got resurrection.
Michael I'm already one of the undead, Greg. I can still throw death spells, huh, Steve?
I'm just trying to help you out, man. Don't be so cranky.
Throw the spell over the pizza man. Where's the pizza, man?
I'm ready... now to play. I'm ready to play now, you guys.
We're in the middle, Elliott. You can't just join any universe in the middle.
Michael You have to ask Steve. He's game master. He has absolute power.
[The boys tell Elliott to order the pizza]
Just figure your strategy. You're playing after Greg.
Plenty of sausage and pepperonis.
Everything but the little fishies.
[upon encountering E.T., running excitedly into the house]
Mom, mom, there's somethin' out there...It's in the toolshed. He threw the ball at me...Quiet! [the other boys obey, he speaks in a hushed tone] Nobody go out there.
Michael You stay here, Mom, and we'll check it out!
And put those knives back!
[Elliott grabs her hands and pulls her outside as well]
It's O.K., Elliott! Let's go get the flashlight.
It's not that we don't believe you, honey.
Well, it was real, I swear...
Michael Maybe it was an iguana.
It was no iguana.
Michael Maybe a, a, you know how they say there are alligators in the sewers.
Alligators in the sewers.
All we're trying to say is, 'Maybe you just probably imagined it.'
I couldn't have imagined it!
Michael Maybe it was a pervert, a deformed kid or something?
A deformed kid.
Michael Maybe an elf or a leprechaun?
It was nothing like that, penis breath!
Elliott! Sit down.
Dad would believe me.
Maybe you ought to call your father and tell him about it.
I can't. He's in Mexico with Sally.
Where's Mexico?
Excuse me. [leaves the table and walks to the window]
Michael [softly to Elliott]
I'm gonna kill you.
If you ever see it again, whatever it is, don't touch it. Just call me and we'll have somebody come and take it away.
Like the dogcatcher?
They'll give it to a lobotomy or do experiments on it or something.
It's your turn to do the dishes, fellas.
Michael I set and cleared.
I set and cleared.
Michael [quickly]
I did breakfast.
I did breakfast.
Michael [to Elliott]
Damn it! Why don't you grow up? Think about how other people feel for a change!
Michael, he came back...
Michael He came back? He came back? Oh, my God! [chokes himself and pulls back]
One thing. I have absolute power. Say it. Say it!...
Michael What have you got? Is it the coyote?
No. Look. O.K. Now. Swear it. The most excellent promise you can make. Swear as my only brother on our lives.
Michael Don't get so heavy. I swear.
O.K., stand over there. You'd better take off your shoulder pads. You might scare him. And close your eyes.
Michael Don't push it, Elliott.
I'm not coming out until your eyes are closed.
Michael O.K., they're closed. Mom is going to kill you.
O.K., swear it one more time.
Michael [as Yoda]
You have absolute power! Eerrp!
Michael [in awe]
Elliott.
I'm keeping him.
What is it?
He won't hurt you, Gertie. He won't hurt you, Gertie. He's not gonna hurt you.
Is he a boy or a girl?
He's a boy.
Was he wearing any clothes?
No. But look. You can't tell, not even Mom.
Why not?
Because, um, grown-ups can't see him. Only little kids can see him.
[imitating Dracula]
Well, do you know what's going to happen if you do tell? [to Gertie] ...you promise?
Michael Maybe it's some animal that wasn't supposed to live? Like those rabbits we saw. Could be a monkey or an orangutan.
A bald monkey?
Is he a pig? He sure eats like one.
They're only feet, you little twerp. He's trying to tell us something. [to E.T.] Earth. [he touches the globe] Home. Home. Home.
Home. [points out the window at the sky]
Michael [about E.T.]
Did you explain school to him?
How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?
Michael Maybe he's not that smart. Maybe he's a worker bee who only knows how to push buttons.
He's too smart.
Michael All right. I just hope we don't wake up on Mars surrounded by millions of these squashy little guys.
Hey, Elliott, where's your goblin?
Michael Shut up.
Did he come back?
Well, did he?
Yeah, he came back. But he's not a goblin. [blurts out] He's a spaceman.
Where's he from? Uranus. Get it. Your anus?
He doesn't get it Ty.
Get it? Your anus?
He doesn't get it.
Elliot
You're so immature!
And you're such a sinus supremus.
Zero charisma!
Sinus supremus!
Zero charisma!
Sinus supremus!
Shut up, Greg!
Pretty Young Girl
Hi, Elliott.
Sinus supremus!
Zero charisma!
You wimp!
Phone. Home. [pointing at the window] E.T. home phone.
E.T. phone home.
E.T. phone home. E.T. phone home!
He wants to call somebody...
Michael [entering the room]
What's all this shit?
Michael My God, he's talking now.
Home.
E.T. phone home?
E.T. phone home. [pointing at the window again]
And they'll come?
Come? Home. Home.
Note: the bolded line is ranked #15 in the American Film Institute's list of the top 100 movie quotations in American cinema.
What do I do?
Michael How the hell do I know? You're the genius here. You have absolute power, remember? [imitating Elliott] I found him, he belongs to me! You know, Elliott, he doesn't look too good anymore.
Don't say that, we're fine!
Michael What's all this "we" stuff? You say "we" all the time now. Really, Elliott, I think he might be getting kind of sick.
Look, he's fine, Michael!
Michael OK, OK! Forget I mentioned it. Grab that Fuzzbuster.
Michael Mom, would you come with me?
What is it?
Michael Mary, just come with me.
Michael, what?
Michael Mom, remember the goblin?
Michael, what are you talking about?
Michael Just swear the most excellent promise you can make.
Scientist
Does he sleep at night?
I don't know, I don't know. What's the matter with Elliott?
Scientist
Have you noticed any surfaced sweating?
No.
Scientist
Has it lost any hair?
He never had any hair.
Scientist
Are the children all right.
Yes.
Scientist
Has it built anything or write anything down?
Michael Uh, no.
Scientist
You said it has the ability to manipulate its own environment?
Michael He's smart. He communicates through Elliott.
Scientist
Elliott thinks its thoughts.
Michael No, Elliott... Elliott feels his feelings.
Michael Where's the playground?
It's near the preschool!
Michael Where's that?
I don't know streets! Mom always drives me!
Michael Son of a bitch.
Michael He doesn't know 'goodbye.'
Be good.
Yes. [kisses E.T.'s nose]
Michael You're welcome.
Stay.
Elliot
[upon seeing E.T. in a dress, hat, wig, and jewelry]
Oh, God!
Elliot.
Elliot
[still frustrated]
What?!
Elliot! Elliot!
[Then Elliot realized that E.T. started talking]
I taught him how to talk. He can talk now. [Elliot sees electronics and supplies together in the closet] Look what he brought up here all by himself. What's he need this stuff for?
Elliot
E.T., can you say that? Can you say 'E.T.'? E.T.?
E.T.
Elliot
[laughs in amazement]
Ha! Ha!
"Be good." I taught him that too.
Elliot
You should give him his dignity. This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen.
"Phone"? He said "phone"? He said "phone"?!
Can't you understand English? He said "phone".
You're right. That's E.T.'s home.
E.T. phone home.
Elliot
[understanding what E.T. means]
E.T. phone home. E.T. phone home!
He wants to call somebody.
Michael [entering the room; chuckles upon seeing E.T. in costume]
What's all this shit?
E.T. phone home.
Michael [shocked]
My God, he's talking now.
Home.
Elliot
E.T. phone home?
Elliot
[softly]
And they'll come?
Come? [taking off the hat and wig] Home. Home.
Note: Bolded line is ranked #15 in AFI's 100 Years...100 Movie Quotes