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Dumb and Dumber To

Dumb and Dumber To quotes

26 total quotes

Harry Dunne
Lloyd Christmas

View Quote Bernard: [after Harry shows him the letter] But that was a couple years ago, and I'm sure she'll appreciate all the trouble you've gone to find her. Let's call her. [He dials her number and hands Harry his cellphone]
Harry: It's ringing!
[Lloyd hears Penny's cellphone buzzing nearby. He answers it]
Lloyd: [whispers] Whoever this is, we're in the middle of something really important. Can you call back later?
Harry: [oblivious Lloyd is speaking] No, I can't call back later. I have something to tell you and it might freak you out a little bit, but...this is your dad.
Lloyd: What? Hold on. [to Adele and Bernard] Hey, guys? I know this is weird timing, but I got to take this. It's my dead dad.
Harry: [to Adele and Bernard] She's got me on hold.
[Adele and Bernard are confused]
Lloyd: Dad, what did you do with all those penthouses? Did you throw them out?
Harry: No, they're under my mattress. Why?
Adele: [sighs] You idiot, that is Penny's phone! [takes the phone]
View Quote Dr. Lewis Meldman: [dragging Harry by his arm] You're out of here. You're out.
[They run into Adele, accompanied by Dr. Walcott and Captain Lippincott]
Harry: [surprised] Mrs. P.! What are you doing here?
Dr. Barbara Walcott: Do you always call your wife Mrs. P.?
Harry: Oh, uh... How you doing, sugar tits? I missed you.
Adele: This man is a fraud. And that box belongs to my husband. He stole it from us.
Captain Lippincott: Hand it over, buddy.
Harry: Uh-uh. I swore I'd only give this box to Penny.
Captain Lippincott: Gimme the box!
Harry: Here you go.
View Quote Harry's Dad: We love you, Harry.
Lloyd: Did you love him long time?
View Quote Harry: Boy, I sure wish I could've been there for her (Penny) when she was little.
Lloyd: Whatever. That's all water under the fridge now, Har. Think of the bright side. You're finally getting to meet her, and you never had to change all those poopy diapers.
Harry: That's called being a parent, Lloyd. Besides, I changed your poopy diapers for 20 years.
[A flashback shows Harry putting a diaper on a handicapped Lloyd]
Lloyd: [chuckling] I totally sucked you in. Half the time, it wasn't even my poop.
View Quote Harry: This is stupid Lloyd, I'm not gonna steal an old lady's hearing aid!
Lloyd: Relax we're just looking for a backup pair, there's gotta be some around here.
[Lloyd and Harry search Mrs. Snergle's room for a hearing aid.]
Mrs. Snergle: Mikey?
Lloyd: [pretending to be Mrs. Snergle's grandson] Yeah, Gran. It's Mikey.
Mrs. Snergle: Oh, thank God you're here. I've got the diamonds.
Harry: [loudly] Did she say diamonds?
[Lloyd frantically shushes Harry and dashes to Mrs. Snergle's bed.]
Lloyd: Go ahead, Granny. Mikey's listening.
Mrs. Snergle: I want you to take all the diamonds with you when you go. I've been hiding them from those thieving lawyers.
Lloyd: That's good. Granny did a good thing! So, where are the rocks?
Mrs. Snergle: [pointing down] They're underneath me.
Lloyd: [about to look under bed] You mean, under the bed?
Mrs. Snergle: No, under the blanket.
Lloyd: Oh.
[Lloyd puts his arm under blanket and searches; Mrs. Snergles starts moaning.]
Lloyd: [chuckling] I'm not finding anything.
Mrs. Snergle: Go up more.
[Lloyd reaches his arm under blanket further towards Mrs. Snergle.]
Lloyd: Up here?
Mrs. Snergle: Keep going.
[Lloyd reaches his arm up even further, unaware he has just stuck his hand up Mrs. Snergle's vagina]
Lloyd: Did you hide them inside this turkey?
Mrs. Snergle: Yeah, right. [inhales seductively]
Lloyd: [wiggling his arm] Wait. There's no diamonds here!
Mrs. Snergle: [sternly] And you're not my grandson!
Lloyd: [trying to pull out his arm] Harry, she's got me. She's really clamping down!
[Lloyd finally pulls his hand out from blanket, now covered in dust. Mrs. Snergles giggles mischievously.]
Harry: [shuddering] Lloyd? I think that was her gran-gina!
Mrs. Snergle: That's right! So you can cross that one off your bucket list!
[Lloyd blows dust off his hand. Some of it flies into his and Harry's faces and they cough.]
View Quote Harry: Whoa, Lloyd. Check out the hotties at 12:00.
Lloyd: That's three hours away. Why can't I check 'em out now?
View Quote Harry: You're hot for my daughter!
Lloyd: What?
Harry: Am I right?
Lloyd: What?
Harry: Am I right?
Lloyd: That's insane!
Harry: Don't deny it, Lloyd!
View Quote Lloyd: [Lloyd notices Harry has a meth dealer in their apartment] Who's the astronaut?
Harry: Oh that's my new room-mate.
Lloyd: [shocked and slightly disappointed] Roommate? You have a new roommate?
Harry: Well you know I had to get someone to pay your half of the rent while you were in hospital. How's it going, Ice Pick?
Ice Pick: Best day ever. Greatest day of my life, really.
Harry: Pick cooks up a rock candy that will make you dizzy. Folks come from all over the city to buy them.
Lloyd: It's burning my eyes! Must be Cajun style!
View Quote Lloyd: Hey, when is this KEN thing, anyway?
Travis: It actually starts today, but Penny doesn't give her speech until the night of May 2nd.
Harry: So that gives us...How many days are in April?
Lloyd: "Thirty days have September, all the rest I can't remember."
Harry: Must be 31, because nothing rhymes with August.
Lloyd: No, I think it's 32, Har. April's a leap month.
Harry: 31.
Lloyd: 32.
Harry: 31.
Lloyd: 32.
Harry and Lloyd: [overlapping] 2, 2, 2! 31, 31, 1, 1, 1!
Travis: 30! There's 30!
Harry: Thank you.
Travis: You said 31.
Harry: Yeah, but I was closer.
View Quote Lloyd: Hey, you guys wanna play "He Who Smelt It"?
Harry: Yeah.
Travis: What's that?
Lloyd: It's complicated, so pay attention. We put the windows up, first one who smells a fart gets a point. If you say who dealt it, double points.
Harry: But if you say you smelled a fart and nobody farted, like if we were just passing a slaughterhouse...
Lloyd: False fart!
Harry: lose a point. And you can't smell your own farts, either.
Travis: What, are you guys kidding? No! No! I'm not gonna sit around sniffing you guys' farts like some kinda truffle pig! Forget it.
Harry: Okay, fine. Lloyd and I will play one-on-one.
Lloyd: Yeah, head-to-head.
Travis: How can you play one-on-one? If you smell a fart and you didn't do it, isn't it obvious the other guy did?
[Lloyd stares surprisingly at Travis]
Lloyd: I thought you said you never played before.
View Quote Lloyd: How much for a beer?
Bartender: It's gratis.
Lloyd: [misunderstanding what "gratis" means] Ooh. That sounds expensive. Can you give us a moment?
[Harry and Lloyd turn around to talk]
Harry: Lloyd, we blew our money on the graduation robes. Maybe we shouldn't drink.
Lloyd: No way! I need booze, man. If I meet your daughter without a buzz on, she'll think I'm an idiot. [notices two men finishing their beers and gets a sneaky idea] Hey, wait a minute! What about the ol' Stinkeroo?
Harry: [thinks for a moment] Yeah! I'm in.
[Harry and Lloyd sneak over to the table, where they mix various drinks to create fake beers. Then, they scratch their butts with one hand each and grab the beer glasses with the same hand]
Lloyd: [to Ms. Sourpuss as she walks by] 'Scuse me, ma'am.
Ms. Sourpuss: Yes?
Lloyd: This beer smells funky. Could I have a new one, please?
Ms. Sourpuss: What do you mean funky?
Lloyd: Go ahead. Take a sniff. [holds out the glass for Ms. Sourpuss to sniff]
Ms. Sourpuss: [sniffs the glass] EWW! [takes the glass] I'll get you a freshie.
Harry: Mine's stinky, too. [holds out the hand that he scratched his butt with, only for Lloyd to hit him on the arm, reminding him to hold the glass out. Harry does so]
Ms. Sourpuss: [sniffs Harry's glass, then gags in disgust] Yours smells even WORSE! [takes the glass] I'll be right back.
[Harry and Lloyd laugh]
Lloyd: "Yours smells even worse!"
Harry: Thanks. You're really good at that, Lloyd.
Lloyd: Well, I learned from the best. [looks up] Thanks, Mom.
View Quote Lloyd: I'm his associate, Dr. Christmas.
Dr. Lewis Meldman: Ah, Christmas, like the holiday?
Lloyd: No. Like the tree.
View Quote Lloyd: Oh, yeah! [picks up Harry's cat] Hey! Who's this?
Harry: That's Butthole. I found him out in the alley a couple years ago.
Lloyd: Why did you name him Butthole?
Harry: 'Cause of this. [shows the cat's anus]
Lloyd: Oh, yeah. Good name. Totally fits.
View Quote Lloyd: Why don't you roll me inside? We'll get the nurse to take the catheter outta me. I wanna see if my lizard's still spittin' straight.
Harry: We don't need nurses for that. I know how to do it.
Lloyd: But don't you have to...
[Harry forcefully pulls on the catheter, yanking Lloyd off the wheelchair]
View Quote Travis: I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 3. Whoever guesses it gets to be king of the car.
Lloyd: 1!
Travis: Nope.
Harry: 3?
Travis: Nope.
[Harry and Lloyd think for a while]
Lloyd: Okay, what is it?
[Travis looks at Lloyd, quizzically]
Travis: 2.
Lloyd: [groans] Oh, I swear I was gonna say that!