Kate Dibiasky
Unless you assholes are taking me to the Batcave, **** you for putting this hood on me.
A line from Kate Dibiasky
You guys, the truth is way more depressing. They are not even smart enough to be as evil as you're giving them credit for.
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1 quote Kate Dibiasky
Scenes with Kate Dibiasky
7 scenes Kate Dibiasky
We have exactly six months, ten days, two hours, 11 minutes and 41 seconds, until a comet twice the size of Chicxulub tears through our atmosphere and extincts all life on Earth.
Dr. Randall Mindy
When did you do those calculations?
Kate Dibiasky
I put the moment of impact on a diet app. So, impact is when my diet ends. Only I'm not on a diet. I'm just crying five times a day.
President Orlean
Mmm-hmm. So how certain is this?
Dr. Randall Mindy
There's 100% certainty of impact.
President Orlean
Please, don't say 100%.
Old Aide #2
Can we just call it a potentiality significant event?
President Orlean
Yeah.
Kate Dibiasky
But it isn't potentially going to happen. It is going to happen.
Dr. Randall Mindy
Exactly, 99.78% to be exact.
Jason Orlean
Oh, great. Okay, so it's not 100%.
Dr. Teddy Oglethorpe
Well, scientists never like to say 100%.
President Orlean
Call it 70% and let's just move on.
Kate Dibiasky
But it's not even close to 70%.
President Orlean
You cannot go around saying to people that there's 100% chance that they're going to die. You know? It's just nuts.
Kate Dibiasky
Am I to understand correctly that, after all the information you've received today, the decision you're making is to "sit tight and assess"?
Jason Orlean
I'm sorry, who is she?
Kate Dibiasky
Who the **** are you? Aren't you her son?
Jason Orlean
I'm the **** Chief of Staff, Boy with the Dragon Tattoo. So I'm doing fine.
Waitress
That's an awfully official-looking White House badge you got there.
Dr. Randall Mindy
I don't know why I have this on.
Nearby Diner
Listen, just tell us what's going on.
Guy from the Bar
I got three scared kids at home. How about you just tell us something.
Dr. Randall Mindy
I understand. I wish could share information, but...
Guy from the Bar
We're people just like you. We deserve to know!
Kate Dibiasky
They're right. They deserve to know. Do you really wanna know what's going on?
Dr. Teddy Oglethorpe
Kate, don't. Kate.
Dr. Randall Mindy
Kate.
Kate Dibiasky
They found a bunch of gold and diamonds and rare shit on the comet. So they're gonna let it hit the planet to make a bunch of rich people even more disgustingly rich!
Riley Bina
You guys discovered a comet? That's so dope. I have a tattoo of a shooting star on my back.
Kate Dibiasky
Oh.
Dr. Randall Mindy
That's terrific. We heard about your breakup too, so we just wanna say... We're very sorry, right? We're real sorry. You seem like a... great person.
Riley Bina
Why don't you mind your own business, you old ****?
Dr. Randall Mindy
[Kate sits in a car with a bag over her head]
I did everything I could. They won't listen.
Kate Dibiasky
Surprise, surprise.
Dr. Teddy Oglethorpe
I'm starting to think you just like riling people up.
Dr. Randall Mindy
I'm so sorry, Kate. Really, I am.
Kate Dibiasky
Oh, Randall. God. Where's Brie Evantee? Shouldn't you two be playing footsie in a restaurant that only serves cubes and foam?
Dr. Teddy Oglethorpe
Well, she ain't wrong. You did lose the thread in a big way.
Dr. Randall Mindy
And what do you suggest we do? An online petition, huh? You want to hold... Get a mob and hold up picket signs? You wanna overthrow the government? I mean, look at this.
Kate Dibiasky
I can't! My head is in a bag!
Dr. Randall Mindy
Why don't you go find some, uh... what are the little potatoes called? The tiny ones?
Kate Dibiasky
Fingerling potatoes?
Yule
Oh, I **** LOVE fingerling potatoes!
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