N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z #

View Quote Vanessa: [After playing skee-ball with Wade] Well, I hate to break it to you, but your 48 minutes are up.
Wade: Hey, how many more minutes can I get for this? [Hands her the Voltron ring he won] FYI, five mini lion-bots come together to form one super-bot, so...
Vanessa: Five mini-lion bots?! [Deadpan] Three minutes.
Wade: Deal. What do we do with the remaining two minutes, 37 seconds?
Vanessa: ...Cuddle?
View Quote Vanessa: Hey, hands off the merchandise.
Wade: Merchandise, huh? So, you, uh... bump fuzzies for money?
Vanessa: Yup.
Wade: Rough childhood?
Vanessa: Rougher than yours. Daddy left before I was born.
Wade: Daddy left before I was conceived.
Vanessa: Ever had a cigarette put out on your skin?
Wade: Where else do you put one out?
Vanessa: I was molested.
Wade: Me too. Uncle.
Vanessa: Uncles. They took turns.
Wade: I watched my own birthday party through the keyhole of a locked closet, which also happens to be my–
Vanessa: Your bedroom. Lucky, I slept in a dishwasher box.
Wade: [gasps] You had a dishwasher? I didn't even know sleep. It was pretty much 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix, and clown porn.
Vanessa: [laughs] Who would do such a thing?
Wade: Hopefully you, later tonight? Hey, what can I get for, [looks at his wallet] uh, $275 and a... Yogurtland rewards card?
Vanessa: Baby, about 48 minutes of whatever the **** you want. [takes the rewards card, sticks it in Wade's mouth] And a low-fat dessert.
View Quote Wade: Do you happen to know a Meghan "Orflowsky"- gettin' that right? "Orflasky"? "Orlovsy"? [Jeremy nods] Yeah? Good. 'Cause she knows you. Jeremy, I belong to a group of guys who take a dime to beat a fella down. And little Meghan, she's not made of money, but lucky for her, I got a soft spot.
Jeremy: [nervously] I'm, uh–
Wade: A stalker. [points his knife at Jeremy] Threats hurt, Jer, though not nearly as much as serrated steel. So keep away from Meghan. Cool?
Jeremy: Yes– Yes, sir.
Wade: Then we're done. [puts the knife away]
Jeremy: Wait, we... we are?
Wade: Yeah, totally done! [to Merchant, as they both start laughing] You should have seen your face!
Merchant: I didn't know what to do. I was so scared!
Wade: Soft spot, remember? [suddenly grabs Jeremy by the neck and throws him up against a wall] You even look in her general direction again, and you'll learn in the worst of ways that I have some hard spots, too. [pauses for a moment] That came out wrong. Or did it? [kisses Jeremy on the cheek as he whimpers]
View Quote Wade: Hey, is Ajax your actual name? Because it sound's suspiciously made up. What is it, really? Kevin? Bruce? Scott? Mitch? The Rickster? [speaks in British accent] Is it Basil Fawlty?
Ajax: Oh, joke away. One thing that never survives this place is a sense of humor.
Wade: We'll see about that.
Ajax: I suppose we will. [turns to Angel] He's all yours. [leaves]
Wade: Oh, come on! You're gonna leave me all alone here with less-angry Rosie O'Donnell?
[Angel punches Wade, knocking him out]
View Quote Wade: I've been traveling to exotic places. Baghdad, Mogadishu, Jacksonville, meeting new and exciting people. And then–
Weasel: Killing them, I know. I saw your Instagram. What was special forces doing in Jacksonville anyways?
Wade: That's classified. [whispering] They have a wonderful T.G.I. Friday's.
View Quote Weasel: [looking for Vanessa] Have you decided what you're gonna say to her?
Wade: [to himself, frustrated] **** me...!!
Weasel: Uh, maybe not start with that.
View Quote [As Wade's hand regenerates]
Blind Al: Am I crazy, or is your hand really small?
Wade: About the size of a KFC spork.
Blind Al: I get why you're so pissy, but your mood's never gonna brighten 'till you find this woman and tell her how you feel.
Wade: What do I keep telling you, Mrs. Magoo? She wouldn't have me. If you could see me, you'd understand.
Blind Al: Looks aren't everything.
Wade: Looks are everything! Ever heard Dave Beckham speak? It's like he mouth-sexed a can of helium. You think Ryan Reynolds got this far on a superior acting method?
Blind Al: Love is blind, Wade.
Wade: No. You're blind.
Blind Al: So you're just gonna lie there and whimper?
Wade: No, I'm gonna wait 'till this arm plows through puberty, and then I'll come up with a whole new Christmas day plan. In the meantime, you might wanna leave the room. I bet it feels huge in this hand. [ushering her out] Go, go, go, go, go...
View Quote [Colossus and Negasonic Teenage Warhead set out to apprehend Deadpool]
Colossus: I've given Deadpool every chance to join us, but he'd rather act like a child. A heavily armed child. When will he grow up and see benefits of becoming X-Man?
Negasonic: Which benefits? The matching uni****? The house that blows up every few years?
Colossus: Please. House blowing up builds character. You ate breakfast, yes? Breakfast is most important meal of day. [gives Negasonic an energy bar] Here, protein bar. Good for bones. Deadpool may try to break yours.
View Quote [Deadpool notices Colossus and Negasonic still watching him and Vanessa]
Deadpool: Wh-what are you still doing--?! Get out of here, go make yourself useful! [to Colossus] You, go be a big brother to someone and tell Beast to stop shitting on my lawn. [to Negasonic] And you, chicken-noodle... Nothing compares to you. Sinead O'Connor, 1990, sorry.
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: That's all right. You're cool.
Deadpool: [gasps] What in the ass?! That was not mean! I'm proud of you!
Colossus: We will make an X-Man of you yet, Wade.
Deadpool: Y'know, for a second there, it felt like we were three mini-lion-robots coming together to form one super-robot!
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: There's the stupid.
Deadpool: Yeah...
View Quote [Seeing Wade's mutation for the first time]
Weasel: You look like an avocado had sex with an older, more disgusting avocado.
Wade: Yeah.
Weasel: Not gently. Like it was hate-****ing. There was something wrong with the relationship, and that was the only catharsis that they could find without violence.
Wade: And the only guy who can fix this fugly mug is the British shitstick who ran the mutant factory, and he's... gone! Poof!
Weasel: Well, you gotta do something to remedy this, 'cause as of now, you only have one course of action.
Wade: Damn straight. Find Francis.
Weasel: [at the same time as Wade] Star in horror films.
Wade: What?
Weasel: Star in your own horror films. Because you look like Freddy Krueger face-****ed a topographical map of Utah.
Wade: Here's what I'm actually gonna do: I'm gonna work through his crew until somebody gives up Francis, force him to fix this, then put a bullet in his skull and **** the brain-hole.
Weasel: I don't wanna see that, or think of it... again. But, the douchebag does think you're dead, right?
Wade: Yeah.
Weasel: That's good. You should keep it that way.
Wade: What, like, wear a mask?
Weasel: Yes. A very thick mask. All the time. I'm sorry, you are... haunting. Your face is the stuff of nightmares.
Wade: Like a testicle with teeth.
Weasel: You will die alone. I mean, if you could die. Ideally. For others' sake.
Wade: [getting annoyed] That'll do!
View Quote [after a gunfight where he kills a bunch of henchmen with just 12 bullets, he brings the barrels to his nose and inhales the smell of gunpowder] Ahhhhhhhhh. I'm touching myself tonight.
View Quote [after landing, Angel Dust toward Deadpool] You're a lovely lady, but I'm saving myself for Francis. That's why I brought him. [sends Colossus to face Angel Dust] [Colossus: I prefer not to hit a woman, so please...] [Angel Dust knocks him away] I mean... that's why I brought her? [looks at Negasonic Teenage Warhead, who is texting on her phone, holding up the index finger in her free hand so Deadpool will wait] Oh no, finish your tweet. It's not... It's not fa... Just give us a second. There ya go, hashtag it. [she throws her phone to Deadpool] Go get 'em, tiger. [Negasonic Teenage Warhead rushes and triggers her powers, which burn off her coat as she tackles Angel Dust into a container] Oh, I so pity the dude who pressures her into prom-sex.
View Quote [after realizing he forgot his guns; he tries calling the cab driver, but gets his voicemail instead] [angrily] Goddammit! [calmly] Looks like I'm gonna do this the old-fashioned way: with two swords, [cricks neck] and maximum effort. Cue the music.
View Quote [after skewering and lifting a henchman with his katanas] You're probably thinking, "My boyfriend said this was a superhero movie, but that guy in the red suit just turned that other guy into a ****ing kebab!" Well, I may be super, but I'm no hero. And yeah, technically this is a murder. But some of the best love stories start with a murder. And that's exactly what this is: a love story. And to tell it right, I gotta take you back to long before I squeezed this ass into red spandex…
View Quote [after successfully killing a henchman and puts his katanas away] Now, if I were a 200 pound sack of assholes named Francis, where would I hide?