Jim Byrd quotes from Confessions of a Dangerous Mind (2002)

Jim Byrd

Think of it as a hobby. Something you do to relax. You're an "assassination enthusiast."

Chuck Barris

Hey, I got an idea. If you aren't so bad... why don't you do it? Why don't you kill the mole? You got a problem with killing, Jim?

Jim Byrd

I just don't fit the profile.

Chuck Barris

What **** profile? There is no **** profile.

Jim Byrd

Okay, there's no profile.

Chuck Barris

There's no profile.

Jim Byrd

Okay. Let's see. Well, you had a twin sister, stillborn, strangled by your umbilical cord. Your first hit, Chuck. Your mother always wanted a daughter. She blamed you for your sister's death. And, so, until your sister Phoebe was born, she raised you as a girl. Oh, and your father the dentist? Not really your father. Your biological father was a man named Edmund James Windsor. A serial killer. A fact your mother didn't know when she had an affair with him in 1930. If you want to look him up, he was also known as the Tarrytown Troll, because he had been described by witnesses as short and ugly. Windsor died in the electrical chair at Ossining in 1939. We believed your self-loathing tendencies coupled with that extra Y chromosome and whatever else you inherited from your father would serve us well. I'm trying to think what more I can tell you, but you have me at a disadvantage here, Barris. I don't have your files in front of me.

You are a bloody amateur.

Chuck Barris

You're a ****.

Jim Byrd

Chuck.

Tell me, Mr. Barris, are you in possession of my microfilm?

Chuck Barris

Yeah, I got it.

Let's have it, then.

Chuck Barris

It's up my ass, Oliver, why don't you reach on up there and get it?

Jim Byrd

He's a bad guy. He's one of the bad guys.

Chuck Barris

Bad for the US, right, Jim? Not bad in the absolute sense. Just bad for the US.

Jim Byrd

Don't ****in' dance with me. Renda's bad for the Tea & Biscuit Company. He's bad for me personally. You work for me. Renda's bad for me... You're now officially a patriotic citizen of the United States of Jim Byrd. There's no backing out now. We let you in on everything. You don't play. You don't leave. You understand that? You don't play... You don't leave.

Chuck Barris

I've got important things to think about here. I don't have time to **** around with you.

Jim Byrd

Okay, I'll help you out with your little show. Tit for tat. That's the kinda guy I am. I've seen this "Dating Game" of yours, Chuck. And I have a thought.

Chuck Barris

What, now you're a television producer?

Jim Byrd

Hey, I'm John Q. Public when it comes to TV and that should make my opinion of interest to you.

Chuck Barris

Let's hear it then.

Jim Byrd

Well, what do you have now? The couple gets sent to some stupid second-rate Hollywood shitcan restaurant, right? Sets you back fifty bucks? That's not too exciting a prize to us vicarious living boobs out in TV-land.

Chuck Barris

Yeah, what's your point?

Jim Byrd

Up the stakes, Chuckles. Send 'em to some exotic locale. Europe, Southeast Asia, for example.

Chuck Barris

The network's not going to let me send two unmarried kids on vacation together.

Jim Byrd

Send 'em with a chaperone.

Chuck Barris

You know... that's not half bad.

Jim Byrd

I'm telling ya. And sometimes you can be the chaperone, Chuckie. Let's say we have a job for you in Austria. You, a successful TV producer, above suspicion, chaperones the young couple, and while you're there, you take care of some Company business. It's the perfect cover. TV producer by day, CIA operative by night.

Chuck Barris

I told you, I don't have to kill people for money anymore.

Jim Byrd

Chuck, when I said you fit our profile, very little of that had to do with you needing the money. Some of it, but very little. You liked it with Renda, Chuck. I saw it in your eyes. You liked it but you botched it. Don't you want to get really good at something, Chuck?