Mr. Browne
Women always lose things.
2nd most-quoted character in Bedknobs and Broomsticks (1971): in 19 of its 45 quotes
Most scenes with: Miss Price (7), Bookman (3)
Oh, Grandpa, you don't expect to sell a piano like that, do you?
More lines from Mr. Browne
7 quotes
Mr. Browne
[Mr. Browne is approached by two scantily-clad dancers who take him by either arm.]
Lovely to see you—goodbye!
Mr. Browne
The college, alas, is now defunct.
Mr. Browne
Will you please get this child off my leg?
Mr. Browne
Observe the fundamental weakness of the criminal mind. You will believe no one or anything.
Mr. Browne
It is not what things are; it is what they seem to be. Is that not so, Madam?
Mr. Browne
You didn't think I knew that spell?
Scenes with Mr. Browne
11 scenes...
Stallkeeper
The snippers that clipped old King Edward's cigars.
Mr. Browne
Made in Hong Kong—two bob a dozen, I'd say.
Mr. Browne
I found the door open, the curtains closed—the house was deserted.
Why on earth would someone do a thing like that?
Mr. Browne
I would say this may have something to do with it... [gestures towards an unexploded bomb]
Merciful heavens! I should be terrified at the very idea of living here.
Mr. Browne
You would have thought so, wouldn't you? I am, by nature, a little bit of a coward—but then I pondered, as I often do: in the perverse nature of things, this diabolical object is probably the best friend I ever had. It has enabled me for the first time in my life to live like a king. Shall we go in?
Why d'you keep the curtains closed?
Mr. Browne
So we can enjoy our cheese and wine in the gentle glow of candlelight.
I bet it's so the coppers won't catch you hiding out here.
Mr. Browne
[Miss Price is searching in Mr. Browne's library, standing on a ladder attached to a rail on the high shelves.]
What's your name?
Mr. Browne
No—I mean your first name.
Eglantine.
Mr. Browne
Eglantine...Eglantine... [He pushes the ladder upon which Miss Price is standing along the rail, startling her.] Oh, how you shine!
[reading from the book she has found at last]
Ah! "Substitutiary locomotion. The ancient art of..." [She reads for a few moments in a whisper.] Ah! Here we are: "The spell which creates this force is five mystic words. These words are—" [She pauses incredulously, and turns over the tattered leaves of the book.] ...But the rest of the book is missing!
Mr. Browne
Now you see why I closed down the college.
Mr. Browne
I will cause the bed and all its occupants to disappear.
Disappear? I'd like to see a cheap jack entertainer do a trick like that.
Mr. Browne
Cheap jack entertainer. Now that was naughty.
[Miss Price's belongings inadvertently come to life after she recites an ancient magical spell. Mr. Browne begins to dance with a nightdress.]
That's my nightgown!
Mr. Browne
Is it really, my dear?
Yes, and I'm not responsible for its behaviour.
Mr. Browne
Obviously not, my dear.
[reading from the book she has found at last]
Ah, here we are! "Substitutiary locomotion. The ancient art of..." [She reads for a few moments in a whisper.] "The spell which creates this force is five mystic words. These words are..." [She pauses incredulously, and turns over the tattered leaves of the book] But the rest of the book is missing!
Mr. Browne
Now you see why I closed down the college.
But where are the other pages?
Mr. Browne
Haven't the foggiest.
Listen to me, Mr. Browne!
Mr. Browne
I'm all ears.
You will be if you don't pay attention. Where did you get this book?
Mr. Browne
Well, I bought it from a chap in the street market. There was a bit of unpleasantness, as a matter of fact. He claimed that I'd given him a dud coin, I ask you. There was a sort of scuffle, the book tore, he got one half, and I got the other.
But where's the other half now?
Mr. Browne
Oh, it's probably been thrown away, but if it still exists, there's only one place to find it.
I assume you're looking for the same thing I am. May I? [He and Miss Price exchange their halves of the book] This is quite a moment for both of us. [Starts reading from Miss Price's half] "Substitutiary locomtion, the lost miracle of the ancients..." And so on, and so forth. Ah, here we are! "The spell which creates this force is five mystic words. These words are..."
[reads from the Bookman's half]
"...engraved on the star that was always worn by the sorcerer Astoroth."
But where are the words of the spell? I assumed they'd be in your half of the manuscript.
But I thought they'd be in yours.
Mr. Browne
Isn't that old Astoroth? And there's his star. It's a pity it's so small you can't read the writing.
But why the animals?
Towards the end of his life, Astoroth kept animals in cages and searched for the spells that would make them more like humans. The legend is that finally the animals rebelled at the experiment, killed Astoroth, and stole many of his powers.
Including the star with the spell on it?
Possibly. They found a ship, sailed away, and were never heard of again. However, there's a final notation in my half of the book saying that, in the 17th century, a shipwrecked lascar was taken from the sea, half-mad with thirst and exposure to the sun. Before he died, he swore he had seen an island ruled by animals.
Where?
There is, I regret to say, no such island. I looked for it in every chart. The Isle of Naboombu does not exist.
Mr. Browne
Bookman, before your very eyes, I shall cause this bed and all the occupants on it to disappear!
Disappear? I should like to see a cheap-jack, tenth-rate entertainer do a trick like that.
Mr. Browne
Cheap-jack entertainer! Now, that was naughty.
Mr. Browne
[after being transformed into a rabbit a second time]
Does one's nose have to twitch like this?
Mr. Browne
Madam, a word about your tactics - I don't mind so much being turned into a hawk or a tiger, or something with a bit of dash to it, but always a fluffy, white rabbit? It's intolerable!