Irony can be pretty ironic sometimes.
Buck Murdock
William Shatner · 6 quotes
Steve McCroskey
Lloyd Bridges · 6 quotes
Ted Striker
Robert Hays · 6 quotes
Elaine Dickinson
Julie Hagerty · 4 quotes
Jimmy Wilson
Oliver Robins · 3 quotes
Airplane II: The Sequel quotes
Page 1 of 3Oh, cut the bleeding heart crap will ya? We've all got our switches, lights, and knobs to deal with, Striker. I mean, down here there are literally hundreds and thousands of blinking, beeping, and flashing lights, blinking, beeping and flashing - they're flashing and they're beeping. I can't stand it anymore! They're blinking and beeping and flashing! Why doesn't somebody pull the plug?
Striker, you get that ship down... and down safe... [a giant money safe crashes to the floor behind Murdock] ... and there just might be a few of us who will forget about Macho Grande.
We'd better get to the tower, Lieutenant.
Lt. Pervis We have no tower, sir.
No tower?
Lt. Pervis Just a bridge, sir.
Why the hell aren't I notified about these things?
Who's in control of that bucket o'bolts?
Lt. Pervis Some guy by the name of Ted Striker, sir.
Ted Striker... We were close... until...
Lt. Pervis Until, sir?
Until that day over Macho Grande.
Lt. Pervis Over Macho Grande, sir?
No, I'm afraid I'll never get over Macho Grande.
Businessman #1 Don't worry about the Viatex account, we have a buy and sell option; we can't get hurt in either case.
Businessman #2 Just keep in touch with their legal people, Bob.
Businessman #1 Will do.
Businessman #2 [two men kiss]
And Bob, feed the cats.
Businessman #1 Will do.
Clerk Do you swear on the Constitution of the United States to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
Witness
Ain't no thing. [slaps the clerk's book and the clerk uses his book to slap the witness's hand as if "giving fives" to each other]
Defense Attorney [approaches the witness as he sits down in the witness stand]
Would you describe in your own words, what happened that night?
Witness
Yo! Check it, bleed. Bro... was on! Didn't trip. But the folks was freakin', man. Hey, and the pilots were laid to the bone, Home. So Blood hammered out and jammed jet ship. Tightened that bad sucker inside the runaway like a mother. Shit. ["Mr. Striker performed exceptionally. The passengers were very concerned. The pilots were incapacitated. So Mr. Striker took control and landed that plane safely. Golly!"]
[the stenographer wears sunglasses and sways back and forth as he types]
Controller #3 You're right. They're off course and headed straight for the Sun. [shakes head] I've seen enough, Bob. [gestures to Controller who switches display screen to ice hockey game]
Controller #3 Get me Steve McCroskey, fast!
Controller #1 McCroskey hasn't handled a tower since the strike.
Controller #2 Ever since Reagan fired the controllers, he's been completely senile!
Controller #3 Yeah, but what about McCroskey?
Controller #1 Pretty much the same as Reagan.
Controller #3 I don't care, get him!
I don't know how to say this, but maybe in this mixed-up, topsy-turvy world of ours, they should take all the quote "sane" people and lock them up and let all the psychopaths out of the asylums to run the world...No, I guess on second thought, that's a bad idea, Ted.
Ted, I have the strangest feeling we've been through this exact same thing before.
First Woman in Line
Where is the passenger processing lounge for the lunar shuttle?
Information Agent
Concourse lounge C, fourth level.
First Woman in Line
Thank you.
Information Agent
Next?
First Woman in Line
How long is my parking permit good for?
Information Agent
Two hours.
First Woman in Line
Thank you?
Information Agent
Yes, next.
Next Man What's the fastest animal on Earth?
Information Agent
The cheetah. Next?
Female Passenger #3
Should I fake my orgasms?
Information Agent
Yes.
Female Passenger #3
Thank you.
Information Agent
Next?
Girl on Shuttle
[Repeated to different men throughout the movie]
I don't mean to sound forward. I mean, I know I don't know you. But I don't think we're gonna live through this. And... I've never been with a man before.
Hey mister, can I ask you a question?
What is it?
It's an interrogative statement used to test knowledge, but that's not important right now.
I sure am glad they let Scraps ride up here with us, Dad.
John Wilson
I bet Scraps is gonna love the moon.
Do you think things will be a lot different on the moon, Dad?
John Wilson
Oh, it's gonna be terrific! A whole new world. New kids to play with!
Does that mean no more headlines about the rape trial?
John Wilson
[angrily while wrapping his knuckles]
Not many kids get the chance to live on another planet.
No more kids yelling, "Your old man's a psychopathic sex pervert"?
John Wilson
[angrily grabs Jimmy's jacket and pulls him close]
Look, a man can make an honest mistake! Anyway she was asking for it! They're all asking for it all the time! [lets go of Jimmy and sits back looking crazed]
Alice Wilson
(thinking)
No, I've been serving Dad decaf. Hmm. Maybe he's just an asshole.
Joe Selucci
I don't know if this is a good time to ask, but would it be possible for me to get my briefcase back?