Real Genius quotes

View Quote Lazlo: I thought you might need some help with the test, so I dug into the computer and got every question Hathaway ever asked on every final he's ever given.
Chris: Gee, I, I didn't get you anything. Are those they?
Lazlo: No. These are entries into the Frito-Lay Sweepstakes. "No purchase necessary, enter as often as you want" - so I am.
Chris: That's great! How many times?
Lazlo: Well, this batch makes it one million six hundred and fifty thousand. I should win thirty-two point six percent of the prizes, including the car.
Chris: That kind of takes the fun out of it, doesn't it?
Lazlo: They set up the rules, and lately I've come to realize that I have certain materialistic needs.
Chris: So, um, where are the questions?
Lazlo: I memorized them.

View Quote Dr. Meredith: A bit of advice.
Mitch: [pulls out notebook to write down what Dr. Meredith says] Oh, uh, thank you?
Dr. Meredith: Always...uh...never...forget to check your references.
Mitch: Uh, OK...thank you. I'd better be going.
[Mitch leaves]
Dr. Meredith: [to his wife] I think the young people enjoy it when I "get down" verbally, don't you?

View Quote Chris Knight: No seriously, listen...if there's ever anything I can do for you, or more to the point, to you, you let me know, okay?
Susan Decker: Can you hammer a six inch spike through a board with your penis?
Chris Knight: Not right now.
Susan Decker: A girl's got to have her standards.

View Quote Ok, calm down, let's just take a step back... No wait, take a step forward... Now take a step back... And a step forward.. And now we're Cha Cha-ing.

View Quote Chris Knight: Kent put his name on his license plate.
Mitch: My mother does that to my underwear.
Chris Knight: Your mother puts license plates in your underwear? How do you sit?

View Quote Mitch Taylor: Something strange happened to me this morning.
Chris Knight: Was it a dream where you see yourself standing in sort of sun-god robes on a pyramid with a thousand naked women screaming and throwing little pickles at you?
Mitch Taylor: No.
Chris Knight: Why am I the only person that has that dream?

View Quote Self-realization. I was thinking of the immortal words of Socrates, who said, "I drank what?"

View Quote Chris Knight: Did you touch anything?
Mitch Taylor: Uh, no.
Chris Knight: Good. Because all of my filth is arranged in alphabetical order. This, for instance, is under 'H' for 'toy.'
Mitch Taylor: What is it?
Chris Knight: A penis-stretcher. Wanna try it?
Mitch Taylor: No!
Chris Knight: I'm kidding. It's yet another in a long series of diversions in an attempt to avoid responsibility.

View Quote Kent: You're all just a bunch of degenerates!
Chris Knight: We are? What about that time I found you naked with that bowl of Jello?
Kent: You did not!
Chris Knight: This is true.
Kent: I was hot and I was hungry.

View Quote Kent: My condolences on your meltdown, Knight.
Chris Knight: What meltdown, Kent?
Kent: I'm not saying you had one, because how would I know? But just in case you do.
Chris Knight: You slime!
Kent: It's your own fault, Knight. Didn't anyone ever tell you to make sure your optics are clean?

View Quote Bodie: Well, I guess it goes from God, to Jerry, to you, to the cleaners. Right, Kent?

View Quote Jerry Hathaway: To graduate, dear boy, you need my class. So it seems I have something to say about what you do and where you go.
Chris Knight: OK, if you think that by threatening me, you can get me to be your slave, well... that's where you're right, but - and I'm only saying this because I care - there are a lot of decaffeinated brands on the market today that are just as tasty as the real thing.
Jerry Hathaway: I'm not kidding, Chris.
Chris Knight: Neither am I, Jerry.

View Quote Mitch: Did you know there's a guy living in our closet?
Chris Knight: You've seen him too?
Mitch: Who is he?
Chris Knight: Hollyfeld.
Mitch: Why does he keep going into our closet?
Chris Knight: Why do you keep going into our closet?
Mitch: To get my clothes - but that's not why he goes in there.
Chris Knight: Of course not, he's twice your size - your clothes would never fit him.
Mitch: Yeah...
Chris Knight: Think before you ask these questions, Mitch. Twenty points higher than me? Thinks a big guy like that can wear his clothes?

View Quote Chris Knight: I'm sorry, but have you ever seen a body like this before in your life?
David Decker: She happens to be my daughter.
Chris Knight: Oh. Then I guess you have.

View Quote 'Ick: It worked! Now if we can just keep it from exploding.
Kent: Explo-?
[runs into his room]
Chris Knight: [coughing, as the hall fills with vapor] Hey Ick, you were just kidding about exploding, right? Ick?