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Bodie: Well, I guess it goes from God, to Jerry, to you, to the cleaners. Right, Kent?

Chris Knight: No seriously, listen...if there's ever anything I can do for you, or more to the point, to you, you let me know, okay?
Susan Decker: Can you hammer a six inch spike through a board with your penis?
Chris Knight: Not right now.
Susan Decker: A girl's got to have her standards.

Chris Knight: I'm sorry, but have you ever seen a body like this before in your life?
David Decker: She happens to be my daughter.
Chris Knight: Oh. Then I guess you have.

Professor Hathaway: You know, when I first brought you into this school I thought you'd become another Einstein. And you were well on your way. And then?
Chris Knight: I got a haircut.
Professor Hathaway: You're disappointing me, Chris.
Chris Knight: And you, me Jerry.

Kent: Hello, Jerry.
Jerry Hathaway: I told you before, Kent. You don't get to use my first name.
Kent: Did I?

Professor Hathaway: Bodie, I noticed you stopped stuttering.
Bodie: I've been giving myself shock treatments.
Professor Hathaway: Up the voltage.

Prof. Hathaway: I want to see more of you around the lab.
Chris Knight: Fine. I'll gain weight.
Jerry Hathaway: You're a very funny boy, Chris.
Chris Knight: Thanks, Jerry. We try.

Dr. Dodd: Why is that toy on your head?
Chris Knight: Because if I wear it any place else, it chafes.

Chris Knight: I'm sorry, it was just an infantile response to authority.
Recruiter: Yes. You are Chris Knight, aren't you?
Chris Knight: I hope so. I'm wearing his underwear.

Chris Knight: Did you touch anything?
Mitch Taylor: Uh, no.
Chris Knight: Good. Because all of my filth is arranged in alphabetical order. This, for instance, is under 'H' for 'toy.'
Mitch Taylor: What is it?
Chris Knight: A penis-stretcher. Wanna try it?
Mitch Taylor: No!
Chris Knight: I'm kidding. It's yet another in a long series of diversions in an attempt to avoid responsibility.

Chris Knight: Kent put his name on his license plate.
Mitch: My mother does that to my underwear.
Chris Knight: Your mother puts license plates in your underwear? How do you sit?

[In the men's room]
Jordan: Hi, good morning, I thought I saw you come in here, you must be an earlier riser, we met last night, I'm Jordan, remember? I made you a sweater.
Mitch: Last night?
Jordan: Yeah, it's just something I do with my hands while I'm reading. I hope I got the size right, I'm pretty sure I did, I have a brother so I use him as a sizing comparison, and I have a pretty good eye for that sort of thing, so I just went ahead and made you one because I was, you know, up. Are you peeing?
Mitch: Yeah.
Jordan: I never sleep. I don't know why. It drove my roommate nuts. I mean really nuts, they had to take her away in an ambulance and everything, she's okay now though, but she had to transfer to an easier school but I don't know if that part has anything to do with being my fault, but still, anyway, if you ever want any help studying at night or just let me know, okay, 'cause I'm just a couple of doors down from you guys and I never sleep, okay?
Mitch: Thanks, I will.
Jordan: Are you finished?
Mitch: I can't start.
Jordan: Because I'm here?
Mitch: I think so.
Jordan: Weird. Well I have to go.
Mitch: Me too.

Dr. Meredith: A bit of advice.
Mitch: [pulls out notebook to write down what Dr. Meredith says] Oh, uh, thank you?
Dr. Meredith: Always...uh...never...forget to check your references.
Mitch: Uh, OK...thank you. I'd better be going.
[Mitch leaves]
Dr. Meredith: [to his wife] I think the young people enjoy it when I "get down" verbally, don't you?

Old Lady: Tell me, what is Mr. Einstein really like?
Professor Hathaway: Dead.

Prof. Hathaway: You still run?
Chris Knight: Only when chased.

Mitch Taylor: Something strange happened to me this morning.
Chris Knight: Was it a dream where you see yourself standing in sort of sun-god robes on a pyramid with a thousand naked women screaming and throwing little pickles at you?
Mitch Taylor: No.
Chris Knight: Why am I the only person that has that dream?

Jerry Hathaway: To graduate, dear boy, you need my class. So it seems I have something to say about what you do and where you go.
Chris Knight: OK, if you think that by threatening me, you can get me to be your slave, well... that's where you're right, but - and I'm only saying this because I care - there are a lot of decaffeinated brands on the market today that are just as tasty as the real thing.
Jerry Hathaway: I'm not kidding, Chris.
Chris Knight: Neither am I, Jerry.

Professor Hathaway: Mitch, will you miss your friends?
Mitch: Well, no. I think I intimidate other kids.
Professor Hathaway: Good boy.

Kent: You're all just a bunch of degenerates!
Chris Knight: We are? What about that time I found you naked with that bowl of Jello?
Kent: You did not!
Chris Knight: This is true.
Kent: I was hot and I was hungry.

[Kent opens his dorm room door to find his car inside]
Chris Knight: Kent isn't that your car?
Mitch: Kent, you know you're not supposed to park that on campus.
Kent: You did this, Knight.
Chris Knight: I had help.
[Points to Mitch, who waves]
Kent: I'm gonna get you guys. Dr. Hathaway's gonna hear all about this. You know, you'll rue the day!
Chris Knight: "Rue the day?" Who talks like that?

Chris Knight: Ick, this ice is great! How did you do it?
Ick: Oh sure, I tell you, you tell someone else and the next thing you know, we're in the middle of another ice age.

Kent: Well, who's gonna clean it up?
Ick: You don't have to. It goes from solid form directly to gas.
Kent: Whoa! What is it?
Ick: I'm not saying. But I can tell you that it's fairly rare and very unstable.
Chris Knight: Just like you, Kent.

'Ick: It worked! Now if we can just keep it from exploding.
Kent: Explo-?
[runs into his room]
Chris Knight: [coughing, as the hall fills with vapor] Hey Ick, you were just kidding about exploding, right? Ick?

Mitch: Did you know there's a guy living in our closet?
Chris Knight: You've seen him too?
Mitch: Who is he?
Chris Knight: Hollyfeld.
Mitch: Why does he keep going into our closet?
Chris Knight: Why do you keep going into our closet?
Mitch: To get my clothes - but that's not why he goes in there.
Chris Knight: Of course not, he's twice your size - your clothes would never fit him.
Mitch: Yeah...
Chris Knight: Think before you ask these questions, Mitch. Twenty points higher than me? Thinks a big guy like that can wear his clothes?

Mitch: This is coherent light.
Mitch's dad: Oh, so it talks.

[Chris is holding a lab beaker with pink liquid in it]
Chris Knight: Here Mitch taste this for me. Come on, you won't hurt my feelings... What, too sweet?
Mitch: No... what is it?
Chris Knight: I don't know, I found it in one of the labs.
[Mitch starts to gag and wipe out his mouth]
Chris Knight: I'm just kidding. It's yogurt. See? Mmmmm...

Major Carnagle: Where's the laser?
Professor Hathaway: It's coming.
Major Carnagle: It's coming? Ha! It's not even breathing hard.

Chris Knight: Hey, Lazlo... Lazlo?
Lazlo Hollyfeld: Oh, that's me. Hello.

Chris Knight: I'm such an asshole.
Lazlo Hollyfeld: I understand how you feel, Chris. And you're right.

Lazlo Hollyfeld: How did you do?
Chris Knight: I passed... but I failed.
Lazlo Hollyfeld: Then I'm happy... and sad for you.

Kent: My condolences on your meltdown, Knight.
Chris Knight: What meltdown, Kent?
Kent: I'm not saying you had one, because how would I know? But just in case you do.
Chris Knight: You slime!
Kent: It's your own fault, Knight. Didn't anyone ever tell you to make sure your optics are clean?

Jordan: Are you going to take me home to meet your parents?
Mitch: No, I don't think so.
Jordan: Why? Are you ashamed of me?
Mitch: No, them.
Jordan: [smiles] Oh.

Mrs. Taylor: Dr. Hathaway, I saw your program on radioactive isotopes last night, and I've got a question.
Jerry Hathaway: Yes?
Mrs. Taylor: Is that your real hair?
Jerry Hathaway: Tell me something. Is Mitch by any chance adopted?
Mrs. Taylor: Why, no!
Jerry Hathaway: Amazing.
Mrs. Taylor: Isn't it?

Chris Knight: You are very beautiful.
Sherry Nugel: Thank you. You certainly don't act like one of the top ten minds in America.
Chris Knight: Oh, really? How many of them have you met?
Sherry Nugel: Seven. You'll be eight. Professor Hostetler at M.I.T. was number six.
Chris Knight: Old Professor Hostetler? Isn't he dead?
Sherry Nugel: He is now.

Jordan: I heard there was going to be someone new this term, are you it?
Mitch: Yes.
Jordan: Do you have a bed?
Mitch: Yeah.
Jordan: Oh, I was going to make you one if you needed it but you don't so that's okay. Well, I'll see you later, probably.

Kent: Okay, who is this?
Mitch: [As the voice of Jesus] This is Jesus. And you've been a very naughty boy.

Mitch: [As the voice of Jesus] Hi Kent. Have you been touching yourself?
Kent: Yes. I mean, NO!

Mitch: [As the voice of Jesus] ...And from now on, stop playing with yourself.
Kent: It is God...

Chris Knight: I have advanced your project more than any three students on campus.
Jerry Hathaway: That was yesterday. What have you done for me today?

Lazlo: I thought you might need some help with the test, so I dug into the computer and got every question Hathaway ever asked on every final he's ever given.
Chris: Gee, I, I didn't get you anything. Are those they?
Lazlo: No. These are entries into the Frito-Lay Sweepstakes. "No purchase necessary, enter as often as you want" - so I am.
Chris: That's great! How many times?
Lazlo: Well, this batch makes it one million six hundred and fifty thousand. I should win thirty-two point six percent of the prizes, including the car.
Chris: That kind of takes the fun out of it, doesn't it?
Lazlo: They set up the rules, and lately I've come to realize that I have certain materialistic needs.
Chris: So, um, where are the questions?
Lazlo: I memorized them.

Chris Knight: If you want to leave, go ahead. But you're going to miss out on all the fun.
Mitch Taylor: What fun?
Chris Knight: Ick invented a new virus and we're going to release in Kent's room.

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