Mallrats quotes

View Quote Brodie: My grandmother always used to say "Why buy the cow, when you can get the sex for free?"
T.S.: She said that?
Brodie: All the time. Of course, she became a lesbian on her 60th birthday, but that's besides the point.

View Quote Brandi: Second suitor: if we were making whoopee--
Brodie: What's whoopee?
Brandi: Um, you know, if we were being intimate--
Brodie: What? Like ****ing?

View Quote Why don't they ever bring back or remake good shows, like "BJ and the Bear"? Now there's a concept I can't get enough of, a man and his monkey.

View Quote Brodie: But you've had a lot of girls, right?
Stan Lee: Oh yeah. Lots of girls. Mick Jagger and I had a running tally going. Last I checked I was way ahead.
Brodie: Damn, that's hot!

View Quote Silent Bob: Adventure, excitement--a Jedi craves not these things.

View Quote Shannon: That's it. You're dead, mallrat. I'm gonna **** you up beyond repair!
Brodie: Ladies and gentlemen, this tall drink of water headed my way is a pillar of the shopping community who informed me earlier today of a nefarious plan of his to screw my girlfriend in an extremely uncomfortable place.
Gill: What, like the back of a Volkswagen?

View Quote Various: [To Willam, regarding the Magic Eye puzzle he is struggling to unearth] Oh, sailboat!

View Quote Brodie: You're giving up? You? You used to be stand-up guy, what happened to him? The guy who punched Amanda's gross-out mother after she called him "low class".
T.S.: That wasn't me. It was you.
Brodie: Oh, yeah.
T.S.: And it wasn't her mother, it was her grandmother.
Brodie: No wonder the bitch went down so fast.

View Quote Brodie, I have always taken you with a grain of salt. On your birthday when you asked me to do a striptease to the theme from Mighty Mouse, I said "Okay." When we were at that hotel prom night and you asked me to sleep underneath the bed in case your mother burst in, I did it. And even when we were at my grandmother's funeral and you told most of my relatives that you could see her nipples through her burial dress, I let it slide. [grabs Brodie by the ear] But if you think that I'm going to suffer any more of your shit with a smile now that we're broken up, you're in for some serious ****ing disappointment.

View Quote Brodie: Listen to the sound of defeat in your voice man!
T.S.: Might that have something to do with the fact that I've been defeated?

View Quote Brodie: [referring to the tape of Shannon having anal sex with Trish] Did you see that shit? You call that romance?
Rene: I call that illegal.

View Quote [Explaining the details of Operation Dark Knight to Silent Bob] Okay, Lunch Box, let's try this again. We tie you to the roof and you jump off and sail like a Spitfire passing right over the arch nemesis La Fours. You then swing up to the stage and knock out the pin. And when that's gone, the stage is trashed and we go smoke a bowl. You got it? Now get your fat ass up there. And dude, don't forget your helmet. Snoogins.

View Quote You're gonna listen to me? To something I said? Jesus, man, hasn't it become abundantly clear during the tenure of our friendship that I don't know shit? I mean, half the time I'm just talking out of my ass, or sticking my hand in it.

View Quote [in elevator]
Brodie: What the hell gives at the cover boy?
Rene: None of your damn business, [slaps Brodie with shopping bag] but he'd probably kick your ass if he knew what you just pulled.
Brodie: Are you insane?! The guy looks like a date rapist! Is that my jacket?
Rene: Brodie, start the elevator.
Brodie: No! Not until you tell me what the deal is with you and the Sperminator out there! How long has this been going on!?
Rene: Since I finally mustered the good sense to send you packing! He's a much more suitable companion any day.
Brodie: Are you nuts?! The guy's pure testosterone! He's a walking hard-on just looking for a hole!
Rene: I'm in need of testosterone after babysitting you and your comic book collection! I forgot what real men were like!

View Quote Shannon: You wanna say something?
Brodie: Yeah. About a million things, but I can't express myself mono-syllabically enough for you to understand it all.