Multiple Characters quotes

Silent Bob: Adventure, excitement--a Jedi craves not these things.

Various: [To Willam, regarding the Magic Eye puzzle he is struggling to unearth] Oh, sailboat!

Willam Black: When, Lord?! When the hell do I get to see the god damn sailboat?!

Stan Lee: I think you need to get your friend some help. He seems to be obsessed with super hero sex organs. But he'll outgrow it.

Brodie: Listen to the sound of defeat in your voice man!
T.S.: Might that have something to do with the fact that I've been defeated?

[Brodie picks up a controller and continues a paused video game]
Rene: What the hell are you doing?
Brodie: Finishing my game.
Rene: No, you promised me breakfast.
Brodie: Breakfast? Breakfast, shmreakfast. Look at the score, for Christ's sake. It's only the second period and I'm up 12 to 2. Breakfasts come and go, Rene, but Hartford, "the Whale," they only beat Vancouver once, maybe twice in a lifetime.

T.S.: What? Do you know that kid or something?
Brodie: I hope his pants get caught and a bloodbath ensues!
T.S.: What is with you today?
Brodie: Don't get me wrong, I don't wish the kid harm, but his mother should suffer that horrific ordeal so she'll learn how to manage her child!
T.S.: That's sort of a harsh lesson, don't you think?
Brodie: Man, there's not a year goes by--not a year--that I don't read about some escalator accident involving some bastard kid that could've easily been avoided had some parent--I don't care which one--but some parent conditioned him to fear and respect that escalator!

Brodie: That kid is back on the escalator again!
T.S.: Would you leave it alone?
Brodie: What?!

Brodie: You have my Punisher War Journal #6, my copy of "Fletch" and the remote control to my TV. Now, I know it's going to be hard to give this stuff up because of it's sentimental attachment--
Rene: Sentimental attachment? Look, if I have any of that crap it's because you brought it over my house and left it there.
Brodie: Okay, then let's talk about coming up with a schedule for visitation rights.
Rene: For what?
Brodie: For the mall. I figure you can take the odd days, I'll take the even days and weekends. When there's any special feature like a sidewalk sale--
Rene: Brodie, Brodie--
Brodie: --or a boat show--
Rene: Brodie! I've always taken you with a grain of salt. On your birthday, when you told me to do a striptease to the theme of "Mighty Mouse", I said "Okay". On prom night at the hotel when you told me to sleep under the bed in case your mother burst in, I did it. And even during my grandmother's funeral when you told my relatives that you could see her nipples through her burial dress, I let that slide. [Grabs Brodie by the ear] But if you think I'm gonna suffer any of your shit with a smile now that we're broken up, you're in for some serious ****ing disappointment.

Brodie: I took you shopping all the time!
Rene: You took me where you went shopping, you jerk! You think I care what store in that shit pit dirt mall has the latest Godzilla bootlegs? Do you call eating pizza in the same dive pizzeria every night eating out? Do I give a shit what two comic labels are crossing over characters, selling two editions of the book in varied-ink chromium covers?! I'm a girl, damn it! I wanna do girly things!

Willam: Brenda?
Rene: Dick!

Brodie: My grandmother always used to say "Why buy the cow, when you can get the sex for free?"
T.S.: She said that?
Brodie: All the time. Of course, she became a lesbian on her 60th birthday, but that's besides the point.

[Brodie is trying to get into the comic book store]
Brodie: Hey, what's going on in there?
Steve-Dave Pulasti: I was warned about you. Take it easy before I have you removed from the mall.
Brodie: Warned?! What the **** are you talking about?!
Walt "Fanboy" Grover: Tell him, Steve-Dave.
Brodie: **** you, Fan Boy!
T.S.: Can you two testosterone-seething, he-man, comic book fans finish up with this display of tough guy back-and-forth? I have some questions that need answering.

[in elevator]
Brodie: What the hell gives at the cover boy?
Rene: None of your damn business, [slaps Brodie with shopping bag] but he'd probably kick your ass if he knew what you just pulled.
Brodie: Are you insane?! The guy looks like a date rapist! Is that my jacket?
Rene: Brodie, start the elevator.
Brodie: No! Not until you tell me what the deal is with you and the Sperminator out there! How long has this been going on!?
Rene: Since I finally mustered the good sense to send you packing! He's a much more suitable companion any day.
Brodie: Are you nuts?! The guy's pure testosterone! He's a walking hard-on just looking for a hole!
Rene: I'm in need of testosterone after babysitting you and your comic book collection! I forgot what real men were like!

Brodie: But you've had a lot of girls, right?
Stan Lee: Oh yeah. Lots of girls. Mick Jagger and I had a running tally going. Last I checked I was way ahead.
Brodie: Damn, that's hot!

Stan Lee: They look happy, don't they?
Brodie: What, the bras?

Kid 1: It's a schooner!
Willam: Ha ha! You dumb bastard. It's not a schooner, its a sailboat.
Kid 2: A schooner is a sailboat, stupid head.
Willam: [losing patience] You know what?! There is no Easter Bunny! Over there, that's just a guy in a suit!

Brodie: The usual vault rules apply: Touch not, lest ye be touched.
T.S.: You're such an anal retentive bastard.
Brodie: Hey, I tried to teach you how to handle comics in the sixth grade, but, oh, no. You wanted to play little league instead.
[T.S. notices something on a table]
T.S.: What's that?
Brodie: Like it? I framed it before you got here.
T.S.: Oh my God, Rene dumped you!
Brodie: Hell hath no fear like a woman scorned for Sega.
T.S.: Wow, look at this long list of complaints; no sense of direction, no college ambition, no job prospect--
Brodie: Yeah, and it also says I have no dick, but you'll see that follows the financial aspect which proves once more what women really look for in a guy.
T.S.: Whoa, she calls you callow in here.
Brodie: You say that like it's bad.
T.S.: Well, it means frightened and weak-willed.
Brodie: Really? Shit, that was the only part of the letter that I thought was complimentary.
T.S.: Well, you're lucky, because unlike you, I didn't get a letter with all those obscure adjectives.
Brodie: What are you talking about?
T.S.: Just like you, now I'm in the framing business.
Brodie: Holy shit, Brandi dumped you. Wait a sec. Aren't you two supposed to be going to Florida together?
T.S.: Yeah, she left this morning, but it gets worse; I was going to propose to her.
Brodie: Where?
T.S.: Universal tour.
Brodie: You're kidding! What part?
T.S.: When Jaws popped out of the water.
Brodie: That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard.
T.S.: Too bad I'm not trying to marry you.
Brodie: Tell me, did you ever fart in front of her?
T.S.: [scoffs] Why do you ask?
Brodie: I never farted in front of Rene. Not once. Last week, I let one slip and today she dumps me.
T.S.: You think that's the reason she dumped you? C'mon, Rene's not the shallow type. You're not insinuating--
Brodie: She was going down on me at the time.
T.S.: Shut up.
Brodie: What? What can I say, I was feeling very relaxed, when I feel relaxed I squirt.
T.S.: If all she did was dump you, you got off light.
Brodie: I can't believe this shit. Why are we sitting here trying to figure out where we went wrong with our significant others?
T.S.: [sarcastically] We just nailed it in your case.
Brodie: No, there is something out there that can help us ease our simultaneous double loss.
T.S.: What? Ritual suicide?
Brodie: No, you idiot, the ****ing mall!
T.S.: I prefer ritual suicide.
Brodie: Oh come on, man, it'll be great. They have these new cookies at the cookie stand. You have to try 'em, they're awesome.

Shannon: You wanna say something?
Brodie: Yeah. About a million things, but I can't express myself mono-syllabically enough for you to understand it all.

Brodie: Hey, look at that ring. What is that?
Jared Svenning: That is, um, my Junior College class ring. Cum Laude, '69.
Brodie: I also hope to cum loud one day, preferably in a 69.

Brodie: T.S. Quint, meet Tricia Jones. They call her Trish "the dish".
Tricia Jones: Nobody calls me that.

Tricia Jones: So I heard that you were going to propose to Brandi Svenning at some theme park. When are men going to learn that women want romance, not Mr. Toad's Wild Ride?
Brodie: Hey, now, be fair. Everyone wants Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.

Brodie: Look, if I had any kind of glow it's because I just got laid. I would look the same had I banged anyone in that elevator... present company excluded.
T.S.: Deny it all you want. I think that you're too proud to admit that you want her back.
Brodie: I suddenly want something very bad to happen to you.
T.S.: What is with you today?
[Gwen suddenly approaches T.S. from behind and accidentally elbows her in her chest and she falls to the ground in pain]
T.S.: Gwen! I'm sorry, I didn't--
Gwen: You ****er!
[In retaliation, Gwen hits T.S. in the groin with her shopping bag and he goes down]
Brodie: See, that's what you get for ****ing with me. [Gwen gets up and Brodie kicks T.S. while he's still down] Hey, Gwen. He didn't mean to hit you.
Gwen: He's got a funny way of showing it by elbowing me in my freaking tit. [she also kicks T.S.] Why the hell are you glowing?
Brodie: I'm not glowing.

[Silent Bob is trying to levitate a cigarette]
T.S.: What's he doing?
Jay: Shit Head here watched Empire and Jedi last week and ever since then, he's been trying to do the Jedi mind trick. The crazy **** thinks he can levitate shit with his thoughts.
[slaps the cigarette out of Silent Bob's hand]
Jay: Knock it off.
Brodie: The Force is strong with this one.
Jay: Dude, don't encourage him.
Brodie: So, I was just telling T.S. here that we needed to find Jay and Silent Bob. If there's anybody who can help us, it's the two guys who have even less to do than us.
Jay: What is this shit? Everybody's looking for us today. We're ducking Tricia 'cause she wants to talk to Obi-Wan here about a video setup.
Brodie: Why him?
Jay: Silent Bob's an electrical genius. He won the science fair in the fourth grade by turning his mom's vibrator into a CD player using some chicken wire and shit. Mother****er's like McGyver--no, mother****er's better than McGyver! [he knocks the cigarette from Silent Bob's hand again] Knock it off!

T.S.: I got to hit the bathroom.
Brodie: Please. Don't say "hit"!

T.S.: But they're engaged.
Brodie: Doesn't matter, it can't happen.
T.S.: Why not? It's bound to come up.
Brodie: It's impossible. Lois could never have Superman's baby. Do you think her fallopian tubes could handle the sperm? I guarantee you he blows a load like a shotgun right through her back. What about her womb? Do you think it's strong enough to carry his child?
T.S.: Sure, why not?
Brodie: He's an alien, for Christ's sake. His Kryptonian biological makeup is enhanced by Earth's yellow sun. If Lois gets a tan the kid could kick right through her stomach. Only someone like Wonder Woman has a strong enough uterus to carry his kid. The only way he could bang regular chicks is with a kryptonite condom. But that would kill him.
T.S.: How is it that I go from the verge of hot Floridian sex with Brandi to Man of Steel coital debates with you in the food court?
Brodie: Cookie stand isn't part of the food court.
T.S.: Of course it is.
Brodie: The food court is downstairs. The cookie stand is upstairs. It not like we're talking quantum physics here.
T.S.: The cookie stands counts as an eatery, eateries are part of the food court.
Brodie: Bullshit. Eateries that operate within the designated square downstairs count as food court. Anything outside of said designated square counts as an autonomous unit for mid-mall snacking. Now, if you're going to wax intellectual about the subject-- [notices Rene at the clothing store] Holy shit!

Brodie: [about the indoor flea market] Come on, this is the dirt mall. Cops don't come here.
T.S.: Neither does any self-respecting consumer.

Ivannah: Free your minds.
Brodie: I'd like to free something.
Ivannah: ****us.
Brodie: That's what I was thinking.
T.S.: She said "focus".
Brodie: Whatever.

T.S.: [to Jay and Silent Bob] You two up for getting stoned?
Jay: Look who you're asking!

T.S.: You should see yourself right now: a grown man with his hand down his pants.
Brodie: Yeah, I probably look like my old man.

Rene: [about why she cries in the bathroom] Do you really wanna know?
Brodie: I asked, didn't I? I'm playing the role of concerned guy.

Shannon: Smart-ass ex-boyfriend! I've got two things to tell you. One: I don't like you. I see you every week in this mall. I don't like you shiftless layabouts. You're one of those ****ing mallrat kids. You don't come to the mall to shop or work. You hang out and act like you ****ing live here. Well, I have no respect for people with no shopping agenda.
Brodie: Is this what's known as motivated salesmanship?
[Shannon punches Brodie]
Shannon: Rene told me to leave you alone, but she's ****ing clueless. The newly single always feel a bit protective of the ex-boyfriend.
Brodie: If this is her idea of protective, I'd hate to have her mad at me.
Shannon: You see, Bruce, I like to pick up girls on the rebound from a disappointing relationship. They're much more in need of solace and they're fairly open to suggestion. And, I use that to **** them some place very uncomfortable.
Brodie: What, like the back of a Volkswagen?
Shannon: No. More like someplace girls dread.
[Brodie tries to take a poke at Shannon, but Shannon gives him another beat-down]

Brodie: You're giving up? You? You used to be stand-up guy, what happened to him? The guy who punched Amanda's gross-out mother after she called him "low class".
T.S.: That wasn't me. It was you.
Brodie: Oh, yeah.
T.S.: And it wasn't her mother, it was her grandmother.
Brodie: No wonder the bitch went down so fast.

T.S.: Jesus, how much did you smoke?
Jay: All it took was a phat, chronic blunt. These guys were lightweights.
T.S.: How much do I owe you?
Jay: My treat. As long as you promise that the next time you pop your old lady, you make her call you "Jay." Snootchie Bootchies.
T.S.: Let's hope there is a next time.

Jay: You're ****ing kidding me! The Easter bunny did this?!
Brodie: All I said was that the Easter bunny at the Menlo Park mall was more convincing and he just jumped the railing and knocked me down.
Jay: He's ****ing dead!
Brodie: Oh, let it go, he's under a lot of pressure.
[T.S. and Gwen approach them]
T.S.: What the hell happened?
Jay: The guy in the Easter bunny suit kicked his ass.
Brodie: I had it coming.
Jay: **** all that shit. Come on, Silent Bob.
[Jay and Silent Bob leave]
T.S.: What really happened?
Brodie: The proprietor of Fashionable Male beat a rain check into my stomach.
Gwen: Shannon Hamilton?
T.S.: You know that guy?
Gwen: I went out with him once after we dated. He tried to screw me some place very uncomfortable.
T.S.: What? Like the back of a Volkswagen?
Brodie: Sounds like his M.O.

T.S.: Haven't you ever heard the phrase "The customer is always right?"
Shannon: Let me tell you something. Let me give you a little secret, okay? [shouts in T.S.'s ear] The customer is always an asshole!

Brodie: You know about this game show they got going on here? We need you guys to somehow ensure that it doesn't happen.
Jay: Is that it? We were gonna do that anyway.
Brodie: Really? Why?
Jay: What else are we gonna do? Silent Bob stole the schematics from some foolish carpenter and found a weakness just like the ****ing Death Star. You knock this crossbeam out and ****ing bickety-bam! The whole stage comes crashing down.
Brodie: Well we were thinking of something simple, but, hey, if you want to destroy the stage, we're all for that.

Brandi: Second suitor: if we were making whoopee--
Brodie: What's whoopee?
Brandi: Um, you know, if we were being intimate--
Brodie: What? Like ****ing?

Brandi: Second suitor, would you ever make whoopee in public?
Brodie: Already did once today. [points to Rene and smirks] But my cousin Walter jerked off in public once. True story. He was on a plane to New Mexico when all of the sudden the hydraulics went. The plane started spinning around, going out of control. So he decides it's all over and whips it out and starts beating it right there. So all the other passengers take a cue from him and they start whipping it out and beating like mad. So all the passengers are beating off, plummeting to their certain doom, when all of the sudden, the hydraulics kick back in, and the plane rights itself. It lands safely and everyone puts their pieces or, whatever you know, away and deboard. Nobody mentions the phenomenon to anyone else.
[The audience is stunned speechless]
Gill: Well, did he cum, or what?
Brodie: Jesus Christ, man! There's just some things you don't talk about in public!

Brandi: Second suitor, if you could be any comic book superhero, which one would you be?
Brodie: [Impressed] Wow, that is a good question. Difficult, though; what does one gauge his response on? Physical prowess? Keen deductive skills? The ability to banter well with super villains?
Brandi: [Figuring out who he is] How's the comic book collection, Brodie?
Brodie: Oh, it's going good, but-- [T.S hits him] Oh, oh, comics? I don't collect comics! Comics are for kids!

Brandi: Suitor Number Three, what would our first date be like?
Gil' Hicks: Well, uh, first I'd take you shopping to stores you wanna shop in, and then we'd do a little lunch, probably at the Cheese Haus, followed by some golfing. And then at night, we'd take in an opera, probably Die Fledermaus, and then I'd follow it up with a drive to a secluded beach where I'd pop on the radio and we could slow-dance till the sun came up.
Brodie: That was the biggest load of crap I've ever heard! I mean, look at you. You're the kind of guy who would beg for sex. And I should know, we can smell our own.

Brandi: Suitor Number Three, is your kiss like a soft breeze, a firm handshake, or a jackhammer?
Gill: Definitely a jackhammer. I'm in there with some pressure, and when I'm done you're not the same as before. You're changed.
Brodie: Where do you come up with this shit?! That is the cheesiest response to an honest question I've ever heard! I saw you kiss and it wasn't even anything like that!
Gill: Who the hell did you see me kiss?
Brodie: Some dude backstage. I don't know who he was, but he seemed unimpressed.
Gill: I didn't kiss any guy backstage. I swear! I'm not gay.
Brodie: Hey, suitor-ette, this guy's a homo-phobe! You heard how repulsed he sounded! Is this the kind of guy you wanna spend a vacation with, this hate-monger?
Gill: I don't hate gay people!
Brodie: So you love them?
Gill: Yes! I mean, no.
Brodie: Textbook closet case. Self-loather. Can't be comfortable with his own sexuality.

T.S.: How easily do you quit? Say you wind up with one of us?
Brodie: Hopefully not Rush Limbaugh over here.
Gill Hicks: Well, now, I'm not like Rush Limbaugh.
Brodie: Well, why not? Because he's fat? Now you have something against fat people, too?

Shannon: That's it. You're dead, mallrat. I'm gonna **** you up beyond repair!
Brodie: Ladies and gentlemen, this tall drink of water headed my way is a pillar of the shopping community who informed me earlier today of a nefarious plan of his to screw my girlfriend in an extremely uncomfortable place.
Gill: What, like the back of a Volkswagen?

[the videotape of Shannon back-dooring Tricia is playing on the big screen, with cheesy 70s porno music in background]
Shannon: Yeah, who's your favorite new kid? Yeah, call me Joey. Oh, come on. Don't make me get loose. Yeah, that's right. Call me Donnie. Oh, girl. Oh, please don't go girl.
Jay: God damn, This is one wacky game show.
Brodie: [to the cops] Hey! That girl's only 15!
[cops focus their attention on Shannon]
Shannon: Ah, 15? I thought she was 36! Come on, guys. Tell me you wouldn't have popped her.

[Brodie moves to hit Shannon, who is in police custody]
Police Officer: Hey! You can't strike a prisoner in police custody.
Brodie: Oh, come on, fellas! Just once.
Police Officer: Alright. But make it quick.
[Brodie punches Shannon in the gut]

Brodie: [referring to the tape of Shannon having anal sex with Trish] Did you see that shit? You call that romance?
Rene: I call that illegal.

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