Mallrats

Mallrats quotes

78 total quotes (ID: 775)

Brodie Bruce
Jay
Multiple Characters
Rene
T.S. Quinn


Brodie: You have my Punisher War Journal #6, my copy of "Fletch" and the remote control to my TV. Now, I know it's going to be hard to give this stuff up because of it's sentimental attachment--
Rene: Sentimental attachment? Look, if I have any of that crap it's because you brought it over my house and left it there.
Brodie: Okay, then let's talk about coming up with a schedule for visitation rights.
Rene: For what?
Brodie: For the mall. I figure you can take the odd days, I'll take the even days and weekends. When there's any special feature like a sidewalk sale--
Rene: Brodie, Brodie--
Brodie: --or a boat show--
Rene: Brodie! I've always taken you with a grain of salt. On your birthday, when you told me to do a striptease to the theme of "Mighty Mouse", I said "Okay". On prom night at the hotel when you told me to sleep under the bed in case your mother burst in, I did it. And even during my grandmother's funeral when you told my relatives that you could see her nipples through her burial dress, I let that slide. [Grabs Brodie by the ear] But if you think I'm gonna suffer any of your shit with a smile now that we're broken up, you're in for some serious ****ing disappointment.


Brodie: Look, if I had any kind of glow it's because I just got laid. I would look the same had I banged anyone in that elevator... present company excluded.
T.S.: Deny it all you want. I think that you're too proud to admit that you want her back.
Brodie: I suddenly want something very bad to happen to you.
T.S.: What is with you today?
[Gwen suddenly approaches T.S. from behind and accidentally elbows her in her chest and she falls to the ground in pain]
T.S.: Gwen! I'm sorry, I didn't--
Gwen: You ****er!
[In retaliation, Gwen hits T.S. in the groin with her shopping bag and he goes down]
Brodie: See, that's what you get for ****ing with me. [Gwen gets up and Brodie kicks T.S. while he's still down] Hey, Gwen. He didn't mean to hit you.
Gwen: He's got a funny way of showing it by elbowing me in my freaking tit. [she also kicks T.S.] Why the hell are you glowing?
Brodie: I'm not glowing.

Brodie: I took you shopping all the time!
Rene: You took me where you went shopping, you jerk! You think I care what store in that shit pit dirt mall has the latest Godzilla bootlegs? Do you call eating pizza in the same dive pizzeria every night eating out? Do I give a shit what two comic labels are crossing over characters, selling two editions of the book in varied-ink chromium covers?! I'm a girl, damn it! I wanna do girly things!

T.S.: What? Do you know that kid or something?
Brodie: I hope his pants get caught and a bloodbath ensues!
T.S.: What is with you today?
Brodie: Don't get me wrong, I don't wish the kid harm, but his mother should suffer that horrific ordeal so she'll learn how to manage her child!
T.S.: That's sort of a harsh lesson, don't you think?
Brodie: Man, there's not a year goes by--not a year--that I don't read about some escalator accident involving some bastard kid that could've easily been avoided had some parent--I don't care which one--but some parent conditioned him to fear and respect that escalator!

Kid 1: It's a schooner!
Willam: Ha ha! You dumb bastard. It's not a schooner, its a sailboat.
Kid 2: A schooner is a sailboat, stupid head.
Willam: [losing patience] You know what?! There is no Easter Bunny! Over there, that's just a guy in a suit!

Silent Bob here's an electrical genius. He won the science fair in eighth grade by turning his mom's vibrator into a CD player using some chicken wire and shit. The mother****er's like MacGyver--no, the mother****er's better than MacGyver.

Brodie: But you've had a lot of girls, right?
Stan Lee: Oh yeah. Lots of girls. Mick Jagger and I had a running tally going. Last I checked I was way ahead.
Brodie: Damn, that's hot!

[Explaining the details of Operation Drive By to Silent Bob] First you take a run at La Fours with a sock full of quarters. I'd do it, but I put my back out humping your mom last night. Nooch. Okay, you clock him on his headpiece and knock his ass out cold. That's when phase two kicks in. I attack the structure Wolvie Berserk style, and knock out the ****ing pin and bickety-bam! The mother****er is rubble. Hence, no game show.

Brodie: [about the indoor flea market] Come on, this is the dirt mall. Cops don't come here.
T.S.: Neither does any self-respecting consumer.

Silent Bob: Adventure, excitement--a Jedi craves not these things.

Brandi: Second suitor: if we were making whoopee--
Brodie: What's whoopee?
Brandi: Um, you know, if we were being intimate--
Brodie: What? Like ****ing?

Various: [To Willam, regarding the Magic Eye puzzle he is struggling to unearth] Oh, sailboat!

Brodie: You know about this game show they got going on here? We need you guys to somehow ensure that it doesn't happen.
Jay: Is that it? We were gonna do that anyway.
Brodie: Really? Why?
Jay: What else are we gonna do? Silent Bob stole the schematics from some foolish carpenter and found a weakness just like the ****ing Death Star. You knock this crossbeam out and ****ing bickety-bam! The whole stage comes crashing down.
Brodie: Well we were thinking of something simple, but, hey, if you want to destroy the stage, we're all for that.

Brodie: [referring to the tape of Shannon having anal sex with Trish] Did you see that shit? You call that romance?
Rene: I call that illegal.

Brodie: T.S. Quint, meet Tricia Jones. They call her Trish "the dish".
Tricia Jones: Nobody calls me that.