Brodie Bruce quotes

One time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck in his ass. True story. He bought it at our local mall, so the whole fiasco wound up on the news. It was embarrassing for my relatives and all. But the next week, he did it again. Different cat, same results, complete with another trip to the emergency room. So I run into him a week later at the mall and he was buying another cat! And I said to him, "Jesus, Walt, what are you doing? You know you're just gonna get this cat stuck up your ass, too. Why don't you knock it off?" And he said to me, "Brodie, how the hell else am I supposed to get the gerbil out?" My cousin was a weird guy.

Listen, not a year goes by, not a year, that I don't hear about some escalator accident involving some bastard kid which could have easily been avoided had some parent--I don't care which one--but some parent conditioned him to fear and respect that escalator!

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned for Sega.

You're gonna listen to me? To something I said? Jesus, man, hasn't it become abundantly clear during the tenure of our friendship that I don't know shit? I mean, half the time I'm just talking out of my ass, or sticking my hand in it.

[Modeling women's underwear] I would've made a sexy chick.

You ****ers think just because a guy reads comics he can't start some shit?

I love the smell of commerce in the morning.

[speaking of T.S. and Brandi's love] You two are retarded for each other.

Why don't they ever bring back or remake good shows, like "BJ and the Bear"? Now there's a concept I can't get enough of, a man and his monkey.

Most of the time I'm just talking out of my ass, or sticking my hand in it.

[about the break-up letter from Rene] Yeah, and she also said I had no dick. Which precedes the financial question, proving once more what women really look for.

Say, would you like a chocolate covered pretzel? They're a little melty, but damn, are they exquisite.

Women, always leaving you after you've had the crap kicked out of you.

That's criminal. [shouts] That kid is back on the escalator again!

You want me to rub it?

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