Mallrats quotes

View Quote [Brodie picks up a controller and continues a paused video game]
Rene: What the hell are you doing?
Brodie: Finishing my game.
Rene: No, you promised me breakfast.
Brodie: Breakfast? Breakfast, shmreakfast. Look at the score, for Christ's sake. It's only the second period and I'm up 12 to 2. Breakfasts come and go, Rene, but Hartford, "the Whale," they only beat Vancouver once, maybe twice in a lifetime.

View Quote T.S.: But they're engaged.
Brodie: Doesn't matter, it can't happen.
T.S.: Why not? It's bound to come up.
Brodie: It's impossible. Lois could never have Superman's baby. Do you think her fallopian tubes could handle the sperm? I guarantee you he blows a load like a shotgun right through her back. What about her womb? Do you think it's strong enough to carry his child?
T.S.: Sure, why not?
Brodie: He's an alien, for Christ's sake. His Kryptonian biological makeup is enhanced by Earth's yellow sun. If Lois gets a tan the kid could kick right through her stomach. Only someone like Wonder Woman has a strong enough uterus to carry his kid. The only way he could bang regular chicks is with a kryptonite condom. But that would kill him.
T.S.: How is it that I go from the verge of hot Floridian sex with Brandi to Man of Steel coital debates with you in the food court?
Brodie: Cookie stand isn't part of the food court.
T.S.: Of course it is.
Brodie: The food court is downstairs. The cookie stand is upstairs. It not like we're talking quantum physics here.
T.S.: The cookie stands counts as an eatery, eateries are part of the food court.
Brodie: Bullshit. Eateries that operate within the designated square downstairs count as food court. Anything outside of said designated square counts as an autonomous unit for mid-mall snacking. Now, if you're going to wax intellectual about the subject-- [notices Rene at the clothing store] Holy shit!

View Quote T.S.: What? Do you know that kid or something?
Brodie: I hope his pants get caught and a bloodbath ensues!
T.S.: What is with you today?
Brodie: Don't get me wrong, I don't wish the kid harm, but his mother should suffer that horrific ordeal so she'll learn how to manage her child!
T.S.: That's sort of a harsh lesson, don't you think?
Brodie: Man, there's not a year goes by--not a year--that I don't read about some escalator accident involving some bastard kid that could've easily been avoided had some parent--I don't care which one--but some parent conditioned him to fear and respect that escalator!

View Quote Jay: You're ****ing kidding me! The Easter bunny did this?!
Brodie: All I said was that the Easter bunny at the Menlo Park mall was more convincing and he just jumped the railing and knocked me down.
Jay: He's ****ing dead!
Brodie: Oh, let it go, he's under a lot of pressure.
[T.S. and Gwen approach them]
T.S.: What the hell happened?
Jay: The guy in the Easter bunny suit kicked his ass.
Brodie: I had it coming.
Jay: **** all that shit. Come on, Silent Bob.
[Jay and Silent Bob leave]
T.S.: What really happened?
Brodie: The proprietor of Fashionable Male beat a rain check into my stomach.
Gwen: Shannon Hamilton?
T.S.: You know that guy?
Gwen: I went out with him once after we dated. He tried to screw me some place very uncomfortable.
T.S.: What? Like the back of a Volkswagen?
Brodie: Sounds like his M.O.

View Quote Brandi: Second suitor, would you ever make whoopee in public?
Brodie: Already did once today. [points to Rene and smirks] But my cousin Walter jerked off in public once. True story. He was on a plane to New Mexico when all of the sudden the hydraulics went. The plane started spinning around, going out of control. So he decides it's all over and whips it out and starts beating it right there. So all the other passengers take a cue from him and they start whipping it out and beating like mad. So all the passengers are beating off, plummeting to their certain doom, when all of the sudden, the hydraulics kick back in, and the plane rights itself. It lands safely and everyone puts their pieces or, whatever you know, away and deboard. Nobody mentions the phenomenon to anyone else.
[The audience is stunned speechless]
Gill: Well, did he ****, or what?
Brodie: Jesus Christ, man! There's just some things you don't talk about in public!

View Quote Brodie: The usual vault rules apply: Touch not, lest ye be touched.
T.S.: You're such an anal retentive bastard.
Brodie: Hey, I tried to teach you how to handle comics in the sixth grade, but, oh, no. You wanted to play little league instead.
[T.S. notices something on a table]
T.S.: What's that?
Brodie: Like it? I framed it before you got here.
T.S.: Oh my God, Rene dumped you!
Brodie: Hell hath no fear like a woman scorned for Sega.
T.S.: Wow, look at this long list of complaints; no sense of direction, no college ambition, no job prospect--
Brodie: Yeah, and it also says I have no dick, but you'll see that follows the financial aspect which proves once more what women really look for in a guy.
T.S.: Whoa, she calls you callow in here.
Brodie: You say that like it's bad.
T.S.: Well, it means frightened and weak-willed.
Brodie: Really? Shit, that was the only part of the letter that I thought was complimentary.
T.S.: Well, you're lucky, because unlike you, I didn't get a letter with all those obscure adjectives.
Brodie: What are you talking about?
T.S.: Just like you, now I'm in the framing business.
Brodie: Holy shit, Brandi dumped you. Wait a sec. Aren't you two supposed to be going to Florida together?
T.S.: Yeah, she left this morning, but it gets worse; I was going to propose to her.
Brodie: Where?
T.S.: Universal tour.
Brodie: You're kidding! What part?
T.S.: When Jaws popped out of the water.
Brodie: That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard.
T.S.: Too bad I'm not trying to marry you.
Brodie: Tell me, did you ever fart in front of her?
T.S.: [scoffs] Why do you ask?
Brodie: I never farted in front of Rene. Not once. Last week, I let one slip and today she dumps me.
T.S.: You think that's the reason she dumped you? C'mon, Rene's not the shallow type. You're not insinuating--
Brodie: She was going down on me at the time.
T.S.: Shut up.
Brodie: What? What can I say, I was feeling very relaxed, when I feel relaxed I squirt.
T.S.: If all she did was dump you, you got off light.
Brodie: I can't believe this shit. Why are we sitting here trying to figure out where we went wrong with our significant others?
T.S.: [sarcastically] We just nailed it in your case.
Brodie: No, there is something out there that can help us ease our simultaneous double loss.
T.S.: What? Ritual suicide?
Brodie: No, you idiot, the ****ing mall!
T.S.: I prefer ritual suicide.
Brodie: Oh come on, man, it'll be great. They have these new cookies at the cookie stand. You have to try 'em, they're awesome.

View Quote [the videotape of Shannon back-dooring Tricia is playing on the big screen, with cheesy 70s porno music in background]
Shannon: Yeah, who's your favorite new kid? Yeah, call me Joey. Oh, come on. Don't make me get loose. Yeah, that's right. Call me Donnie. Oh, girl. Oh, please don't go girl.
Jay: God damn, This is one wacky game show.
Brodie: [to the cops] Hey! That girl's only 15!
[cops focus their attention on Shannon]
Shannon: Ah, 15? I thought she was 36! Come on, guys. Tell me you wouldn't have popped her.

View Quote Brandi: Suitor Number Three, what would our first date be like?
Gil' Hicks: Well, uh, first I'd take you shopping to stores you wanna shop in, and then we'd do a little lunch, probably at the Cheese Haus, followed by some golfing. And then at night, we'd take in an opera, probably Die Fledermaus, and then I'd follow it up with a drive to a secluded beach where I'd pop on the radio and we could slow-dance till the sun came up.
Brodie: That was the biggest load of crap I've ever heard! I mean, look at you. You're the kind of guy who would beg for sex. And I should know, we can smell our own.

View Quote Say, would you like a chocolate covered pretzel? They're a little melty, but damn, are they exquisite.

View Quote Kid 1: It's a schooner!
Willam: Ha ha! You dumb bastard. It's not a schooner, its a sailboat.
Kid 2: A schooner is a sailboat, stupid head.
Willam: [losing patience] You know what?! There is no Easter Bunny! Over there, that's just a guy in a suit!

View Quote Brandi: Suitor Number Three, is your kiss like a soft breeze, a firm handshake, or a jackhammer?
Gill: Definitely a jackhammer. I'm in there with some pressure, and when I'm done you're not the same as before. You're changed.
Brodie: Where do you come up with this shit?! That is the cheesiest response to an honest question I've ever heard! I saw you kiss and it wasn't even anything like that!
Gill: Who the hell did you see me kiss?
Brodie: Some dude backstage. I don't know who he was, but he seemed unimpressed.
Gill: I didn't kiss any guy backstage. I swear! I'm not gay.
Brodie: Hey, suitor-ette, this guy's a homophobe! You heard how repulsed he sounded! Is this the kind of guy you wanna spend a vacation with, this hate-monger?
Gill: I don't hate gay people!
Brodie: So you love them?
Gill: Yes! I mean, no.
Brodie: Textbook closet case. Self-loather. Can't be comfortable with his own sexuality.

View Quote One time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck in his ass. True story. He bought it at our local mall, so the whole fiasco wound up on the news. It was embarrassing for my relatives and all. But the next week, he did it again. Different cat, same results, complete with another trip to the emergency room. So I run into him a week later at the mall and he was buying another cat! And I said to him, "Jesus, Walt, what are you doing? You know you're just gonna get this cat stuck up your ass, too. Why don't you knock it off?" And he said to me, "Brodie, how the hell else am I supposed to get the gerbil out?" My cousin was a weird guy.

View Quote Brandi: Second suitor, if you could be any comic book superhero, which one would you be?
Brodie: [Impressed] Wow, that is a good question. Difficult, though; what does one gauge his response on? Physical prowess? Keen deductive skills? The ability to banter well with super villains?
Brandi: [Figuring out who he is] How's the comic book collection, Brodie?
Brodie: Oh, it's going good, but-- [T.S hits him] Oh, oh, comics? I don't collect comics! Comics are for kids!

View Quote Tricia Jones: So I heard that you were going to propose to Brandi Svenning at some theme park. When are men going to learn that women want romance, not Mr. Toad's Wild Ride?
Brodie: Hey, now, be fair. Everyone wants Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.

View Quote [Silent Bob is trying to levitate a cigarette]
T.S.: What's he doing?
Jay: Shit Head here watched Empire and Jedi last week and ever since then, he's been trying to do the Jedi mind trick. The crazy **** thinks he can levitate shit with his thoughts.
[slaps the cigarette out of Silent Bob's hand]
Jay: Knock it off.
Brodie: The Force is strong with this one.
Jay: Dude, don't encourage him.
Brodie: So, I was just telling T.S. here that we needed to find Jay and Silent Bob. If there's anybody who can help us, it's the two guys who have even less to do than us.
Jay: What is this shit? Everybody's looking for us today. We're ducking Tricia 'cause she wants to talk to Obi-Wan here about a video setup.
Brodie: Why him?
Jay: Silent Bob's an electrical genius. He won the science fair in the fourth grade by turning his mom's vibrator into a CD player using some chicken wire and shit. Mother****er's like McGyver--no, mother****er's better than McGyver! [he knocks the cigarette from Silent Bob's hand again] Knock it off!