Brodie: The usual vault rules apply: Touch not, lest ye be touched.
T.S.: You're such an anal retentive bastard.
Brodie: Hey, I tried to teach you how to handle comics in the sixth grade, but, oh, no. You wanted to play little league instead.
[T.S. notices something on a table]
T.S.: What's that?
Brodie: Like it? I framed it before you got here.
T.S.: Oh my God, Rene dumped you!
Brodie: Hell hath no fear like a woman scorned for Sega.
T.S.: Wow, look at this long list of complaints; no sense of direction, no college ambition, no job prospect--
Brodie: Yeah, and it also says I have no dick, but you'll see that follows the financial aspect which proves once more what women really look for in a guy.
T.S.: Whoa, she calls you callow in here.
Brodie: You say that like it's bad.
T.S.: Well, it means frightened and weak-willed.
Brodie: Really? Shit, that was the only part of the letter that I thought was complimentary.
T.S.: Well, you're lucky, because unlike you, I didn't get a letter with all those obscure adjectives.
Brodie: What are you talking about?
T.S.: Just like you, now I'm in the framing business.
Brodie: Holy shit, Brandi dumped you. Wait a sec. Aren't you two supposed to be going to Florida together?
T.S.: Yeah, she left this morning, but it gets worse; I was going to propose to her.
Brodie: Where?
T.S.: Universal tour.
Brodie: You're kidding! What part?
T.S.: When Jaws popped out of the water.
Brodie: That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard.
T.S.: Too bad I'm not trying to marry you.
Brodie: Tell me, did you ever fart in front of her?
T.S.: [scoffs] Why do you ask?
Brodie: I never farted in front of Rene. Not once. Last week, I let one slip and today she dumps me.
T.S.: You think that's the reason she dumped you? C'mon, Rene's not the shallow type. You're not insinuating--
Brodie: She was going down on me at the time.
T.S.: Shut up.
Brodie: What? What can I say, I was feeling very relaxed, when I feel relaxed I squirt.
T.S.: If all she did was dump you, you got off light.
Brodie: I can't believe this shit. Why are we sitting here trying to figure out where we went wrong with our significant others?
T.S.: [sarcastically] We just nailed it in your case.
Brodie: No, there is something out there that can help us ease our simultaneous double loss.
T.S.: What? Ritual suicide?
Brodie: No, you idiot, the fucking mall!
T.S.: I prefer ritual suicide.
Brodie: Oh come on, man, it'll be great. They have these new cookies at the cookie stand. You have to try 'em, they're awesome.

Willam Black: When, Lord?! When the hell do I get to see the god damn sailboat?!

T.S.: What? Do you know that kid or something?
Brodie: I hope his pants get caught and a bloodbath ensues!
T.S.: What is with you today?
Brodie: Don't get me wrong, I don't wish the kid harm, but his mother should suffer that horrific ordeal so she'll learn how to manage her child!
T.S.: That's sort of a harsh lesson, don't you think?
Brodie: Man, there's not a year goes by--not a year--that I don't read about some escalator accident involving some bastard kid that could've easily been avoided had some parent--I don't care which one--but some parent conditioned him to fear and respect that escalator!

Brandi: Second suitor, would you ever make whoopee in public?
Brodie: Already did once today. [points to Rene and smirks] But my cousin Walter jerked off in public once. True story. He was on a plane to New Mexico when all of the sudden the hydraulics went. The plane started spinning around, going out of control. So he decides it's all over and whips it out and starts beating it right there. So all the other passengers take a cue from him and they start whipping it out and beating like mad. So all the passengers are beating off, plummeting to their certain doom, when all of the sudden, the hydraulics kick back in, and the plane rights itself. It lands safely and everyone puts their pieces or, whatever you know, away and deboard. Nobody mentions the phenomenon to anyone else.
[The audience is stunned speechless]
Gill: Well, did he cum, or what?
Brodie: Jesus Christ, man! There's just some things you don't talk about in public!

Brandi: Second suitor, if you could be any comic book superhero, which one would you be?
Brodie: [Impressed] Wow, that is a good question. Difficult, though; what does one gauge his response on? Physical prowess? Keen deductive skills? The ability to banter well with super villains?
Brandi: [Figuring out who he is] How's the comic book collection, Brodie?
Brodie: Oh, it's going good, but-- [T.S hits him] Oh, oh, comics? I don't collect comics! Comics are for kids!

Stan Lee: I think you need to get your friend some help. He seems to be obsessed with super hero sex organs. But he'll outgrow it.

Brodie: [about the indoor flea market] Come on, this is the dirt mall. Cops don't come here.
T.S.: Neither does any self-respecting consumer.

Brodie: [referring to the tape of Shannon having anal sex with Trish] Did you see that shit? You call that romance?
Rene: I call that illegal.

Brandi: Second suitor: if we were making whoopee--
Brodie: What's whoopee?
Brandi: Um, you know, if we were being intimate--
Brodie: What? Like fucking?

Brandi: Suitor Number Three, is your kiss like a soft breeze, a firm handshake, or a jackhammer?
Gill: Definitely a jackhammer. I'm in there with some pressure, and when I'm done you're not the same as before. You're changed.
Brodie: Where do you come up with this shit?! That is the cheesiest response to an honest question I've ever heard! I saw you kiss and it wasn't even anything like that!
Gill: Who the hell did you see me kiss?
Brodie: Some dude backstage. I don't know who he was, but he seemed unimpressed.
Gill: I didn't kiss any guy backstage. I swear! I'm not gay.
Brodie: Hey, suitor-ette, this guy's a homo-phobe! You heard how repulsed he sounded! Is this the kind of guy you wanna spend a vacation with, this hate-monger?
Gill: I don't hate gay people!
Brodie: So you love them?
Gill: Yes! I mean, no.
Brodie: Textbook closet case. Self-loather. Can't be comfortable with his own sexuality.

[Explaining the details of Operation Drive By to Silent Bob] First you take a run at La Fours with a sock full of quarters. I'd do it, but I put my back out humping your mom last night. Nooch. Okay, you clock him on his headpiece and knock his ass out cold. That's when phase two kicks in. I attack the structure Wolvie Berserk style, and knock out the fucking pin and bickety-bam! The motherfucker is rubble. Hence, no game show.

Brodie: I took you shopping all the time!
Rene: You took me where you went shopping, you jerk! You think I care what store in that shit pit dirt mall has the latest Godzilla bootlegs? Do you call eating pizza in the same dive pizzeria every night eating out? Do I give a shit what two comic labels are crossing over characters, selling two editions of the book in varied-ink chromium covers?! I'm a girl, damn it! I wanna do girly things!

Silent Bob: Adventure, excitement--a Jedi craves not these things.

Various: [To Willam, regarding the Magic Eye puzzle he is struggling to unearth] Oh, sailboat!

Shannon: You wanna say something?
Brodie: Yeah. About a million things, but I can't express myself mono-syllabically enough for you to understand it all.