Mallrats quotes

View Quote Ivannah: Free your minds.
Brodie: I'd like to free something.
Ivannah: ****us.
Brodie: That's what I was thinking.
T.S.: She said "focus".
Brodie: Whatever.

View Quote T.S.: [to Jay and Silent Bob] You two up for getting stoned?
Jay: Look who you're asking!

View Quote T.S.: You should see yourself right now: a grown man with his hand down his pants.
Brodie: Yeah, I probably look like my old man.

View Quote Shannon: Smart-ass ex-boyfriend! I've got two things to tell you. One: I don't like you. I see you every week in this mall. I don't like you shiftless layabouts. You're one of those ****ing mallrat kids. You don't come to the mall to shop or work. You hang out and act like you ****ing live here. Well, I have no respect for people with no shopping agenda.
Brodie: Is this what's known as motivated salesmanship?
[Shannon punches Brodie]
Shannon: Rene told me to leave you alone, but she's ****ing clueless. The newly single always feel a bit protective of the ex-boyfriend.
Brodie: If this is her idea of protective, I'd hate to have her mad at me.
Shannon: You see, Bruce, I like to pick up girls on the rebound from a disappointing relationship. They're much more in need of solace and they're fairly open to suggestion. And, I use that to **** them some place very uncomfortable.
Brodie: What, like the back of a Volkswagen?
Shannon: No. More like someplace girls dread.
[Brodie tries to take a poke at Shannon, but Shannon gives him another beat-down]

View Quote Brodie: You're giving up? You? You used to be stand-up guy, what happened to him? The guy who punched Amanda's gross-out mother after she called him "low class".
T.S.: That wasn't me. It was you.
Brodie: Oh, yeah.
T.S.: And it wasn't her mother, it was her grandmother.
Brodie: No wonder the bitch went down so fast.

View Quote T.S.: Jesus, how much did you smoke?
Jay: All it took was a phat, chronic blunt. These guys were lightweights.
T.S.: How much do I owe you?
Jay: My treat. As long as you promise that the next time you pop your old lady, you make her call you "Jay." Snootchie Bootchies.
T.S.: Let's hope there is a next time.

View Quote Jay: You're ****ing kidding me! The Easter bunny did this?!
Brodie: All I said was that the Easter bunny at the Menlo Park mall was more convincing and he just jumped the railing and knocked me down.
Jay: He's ****ing dead!
Brodie: Oh, let it go, he's under a lot of pressure.
[T.S. and Gwen approach them]
T.S.: What the hell happened?
Jay: The guy in the Easter bunny suit kicked his ass.
Brodie: I had it coming.
Jay: **** all that shit. Come on, Silent Bob.
[Jay and Silent Bob leave]
T.S.: What really happened?
Brodie: The proprietor of Fashionable Male beat a rain check into my stomach.
Gwen: Shannon Hamilton?
T.S.: You know that guy?
Gwen: I went out with him once after we dated. He tried to screw me some place very uncomfortable.
T.S.: What? Like the back of a Volkswagen?
Brodie: Sounds like his M.O.

View Quote T.S.: Haven't you ever heard the phrase "The customer is always right?"
Shannon: Let me tell you something. Let me give you a little secret, okay? [shouts in T.S.'s ear] The customer is always an asshole!

View Quote Brodie: You know about this game show they got going on here? We need you guys to somehow ensure that it doesn't happen.
Jay: Is that it? We were gonna do that anyway.
Brodie: Really? Why?
Jay: What else are we gonna do? Silent Bob stole the schematics from some foolish carpenter and found a weakness just like the ****ing Death Star. You knock this crossbeam out and ****ing bickety-bam! The whole stage comes crashing down.
Brodie: Well we were thinking of something simple, but, hey, if you want to destroy the stage, we're all for that.

View Quote Brandi: Second suitor: if we were making whoopee--
Brodie: What's whoopee?
Brandi: Um, you know, if we were being intimate--
Brodie: What? Like ****ing?

View Quote Brandi: Second suitor, if you could be any comic book superhero, which one would you be?
Brodie: [Impressed] Wow, that is a good question. Difficult, though; what does one gauge his response on? Physical prowess? Keen deductive skills? The ability to banter well with super villains?
Brandi: [Figuring out who he is] How's the comic book collection, Brodie?
Brodie: Oh, it's going good, but-- [T.S hits him] Oh, oh, comics? I don't collect comics! Comics are for kids!

View Quote Brandi: Suitor Number Three, what would our first date be like?
Gil' Hicks: Well, uh, first I'd take you shopping to stores you wanna shop in, and then we'd do a little lunch, probably at the Cheese Haus, followed by some golfing. And then at night, we'd take in an opera, probably Die Fledermaus, and then I'd follow it up with a drive to a secluded beach where I'd pop on the radio and we could slow-dance till the sun came up.
Brodie: That was the biggest load of crap I've ever heard! I mean, look at you. You're the kind of guy who would beg for sex. And I should know, we can smell our own.

View Quote Brandi: Suitor Number Three, is your kiss like a soft breeze, a firm handshake, or a jackhammer?
Gill: Definitely a jackhammer. I'm in there with some pressure, and when I'm done you're not the same as before. You're changed.
Brodie: Where do you come up with this shit?! That is the cheesiest response to an honest question I've ever heard! I saw you kiss and it wasn't even anything like that!
Gill: Who the hell did you see me kiss?
Brodie: Some dude backstage. I don't know who he was, but he seemed unimpressed.
Gill: I didn't kiss any guy backstage. I swear! I'm not gay.
Brodie: Hey, suitor-ette, this guy's a homophobe! You heard how repulsed he sounded! Is this the kind of guy you wanna spend a vacation with, this hate-monger?
Gill: I don't hate gay people!
Brodie: So you love them?
Gill: Yes! I mean, no.
Brodie: Textbook closet case. Self-loather. Can't be comfortable with his own sexuality.

View Quote T.S.: How easily do you quit? Say you wind up with one of us?
Brodie: Hopefully not Rush Limbaugh over here.
Gill Hicks: Well, now, I'm not like Rush Limbaugh.
Brodie: Well, why not? Because he's fat? Now you have something against fat people, too?

View Quote Shannon: That's it. You're dead, mallrat. I'm gonna **** you up beyond repair!
Brodie: Ladies and gentlemen, this tall drink of water headed my way is a pillar of the shopping community who informed me earlier today of a nefarious plan of his to screw my girlfriend in an extremely uncomfortable place.
Gill: What, like the back of a Volkswagen?