Mallrats quotes

View Quote Brodie: My grandmother always used to say "Why buy the cow, when you can get the sex for free?"
T.S.: She said that?
Brodie: All the time. Of course, she became a lesbian on her 60th birthday, but that's besides the point.

View Quote [Brodie is trying to get into the comic book store]
Brodie: Hey, what's going on in there?
Steve-Dave Pulasti: I was warned about you. Take it easy before I have you removed from the mall.
Brodie: Warned?! What the **** are you talking about?!
Walt "Fanboy" Grover: Tell him, Steve-Dave.
Brodie: **** you, Fan Boy!
T.S.: Can you two testosterone-seething, he-man, comic book fans finish up with this display of tough guy back-and-forth? I have some questions that need answering.

View Quote [in elevator]
Brodie: What the hell gives at the cover boy?
Rene: None of your damn business, [slaps Brodie with shopping bag] but he'd probably kick your ass if he knew what you just pulled.
Brodie: Are you insane?! The guy looks like a date rapist! Is that my jacket?
Rene: Brodie, start the elevator.
Brodie: No! Not until you tell me what the deal is with you and the Sperminator out there! How long has this been going on!?
Rene: Since I finally mustered the good sense to send you packing! He's a much more suitable companion any day.
Brodie: Are you nuts?! The guy's pure testosterone! He's a walking hard-on just looking for a hole!
Rene: I'm in need of testosterone after babysitting you and your comic book collection! I forgot what real men were like!

View Quote Brodie: But you've had a lot of girls, right?
Stan Lee: Oh yeah. Lots of girls. Mick Jagger and I had a running tally going. Last I checked I was way ahead.
Brodie: Damn, that's hot!

View Quote Stan Lee: They look happy, don't they?
Brodie: What, the bras?

View Quote Kid 1: It's a schooner!
Willam: Ha ha! You dumb bastard. It's not a schooner, its a sailboat.
Kid 2: A schooner is a sailboat, stupid head.
Willam: [losing patience] You know what?! There is no Easter Bunny! Over there, that's just a guy in a suit!

View Quote Shannon: You wanna say something?
Brodie: Yeah. About a million things, but I can't express myself mono-syllabically enough for you to understand it all.

View Quote Brodie: Hey, look at that ring. What is that?
Jared Svenning: That is, um, my Junior College class ring. **** Laude, '69.
Brodie: I also hope to **** loud one day, preferably in a 69.

View Quote Brodie: T.S. Quint, meet Tricia Jones. They call her Trish "the dish".
Tricia Jones: Nobody calls me that.

View Quote Tricia Jones: So I heard that you were going to propose to Brandi Svenning at some theme park. When are men going to learn that women want romance, not Mr. Toad's Wild Ride?
Brodie: Hey, now, be fair. Everyone wants Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.

View Quote Brodie: Look, if I had any kind of glow it's because I just got laid. I would look the same had I banged anyone in that elevator... present company excluded.
T.S.: Deny it all you want. I think that you're too proud to admit that you want her back.
Brodie: I suddenly want something very bad to happen to you.
T.S.: What is with you today?
[Gwen suddenly approaches T.S. from behind and accidentally elbows her in her chest and she falls to the ground in pain]
T.S.: Gwen! I'm sorry, I didn't--
Gwen: You ****er!
[In retaliation, Gwen hits T.S. in the groin with her shopping bag and he goes down]
Brodie: See, that's what you get for ****ing with me. [Gwen gets up and Brodie kicks T.S. while he's still down] Hey, Gwen. He didn't mean to hit you.
Gwen: He's got a funny way of showing it by elbowing me in my freaking tit. [she also kicks T.S.] Why the hell are you glowing?
Brodie: I'm not glowing.

View Quote [Silent Bob is trying to levitate a cigarette]
T.S.: What's he doing?
Jay: Shit Head here watched Empire and Jedi last week and ever since then, he's been trying to do the Jedi mind trick. The crazy **** thinks he can levitate shit with his thoughts.
[slaps the cigarette out of Silent Bob's hand]
Jay: Knock it off.
Brodie: The Force is strong with this one.
Jay: Dude, don't encourage him.
Brodie: So, I was just telling T.S. here that we needed to find Jay and Silent Bob. If there's anybody who can help us, it's the two guys who have even less to do than us.
Jay: What is this shit? Everybody's looking for us today. We're ducking Tricia 'cause she wants to talk to Obi-Wan here about a video setup.
Brodie: Why him?
Jay: Silent Bob's an electrical genius. He won the science fair in the fourth grade by turning his mom's vibrator into a CD player using some chicken wire and shit. Mother****er's like McGyver--no, mother****er's better than McGyver! [he knocks the cigarette from Silent Bob's hand again] Knock it off!

View Quote T.S.: I got to hit the bathroom.
Brodie: Please. Don't say "hit"!

View Quote T.S.: But they're engaged.
Brodie: Doesn't matter, it can't happen.
T.S.: Why not? It's bound to come up.
Brodie: It's impossible. Lois could never have Superman's baby. Do you think her fallopian tubes could handle the sperm? I guarantee you he blows a load like a shotgun right through her back. What about her womb? Do you think it's strong enough to carry his child?
T.S.: Sure, why not?
Brodie: He's an alien, for Christ's sake. His Kryptonian biological makeup is enhanced by Earth's yellow sun. If Lois gets a tan the kid could kick right through her stomach. Only someone like Wonder Woman has a strong enough uterus to carry his kid. The only way he could bang regular chicks is with a kryptonite condom. But that would kill him.
T.S.: How is it that I go from the verge of hot Floridian sex with Brandi to Man of Steel coital debates with you in the food court?
Brodie: Cookie stand isn't part of the food court.
T.S.: Of course it is.
Brodie: The food court is downstairs. The cookie stand is upstairs. It not like we're talking quantum physics here.
T.S.: The cookie stands counts as an eatery, eateries are part of the food court.
Brodie: Bullshit. Eateries that operate within the designated square downstairs count as food court. Anything outside of said designated square counts as an autonomous unit for mid-mall snacking. Now, if you're going to wax intellectual about the subject-- [notices Rene at the clothing store] Holy shit!

View Quote Brodie: [about the indoor flea market] Come on, this is the dirt mall. Cops don't come here.
T.S.: Neither does any self-respecting consumer.