Juno quotes

View Quote The funny thing is that Steve Rendazo secretly wants me. Jocks like him always want freaky girls. Girls with horn-rimmed glasses and vegan footwear and Goth makeup. Girls who play the cello and wear Converse All-Stars and want to be children’s librarians when they grow up. Oh yeah, jocks totally eat that shit up. They just won’t admit it because they’re supposed to be into perfect cheerleaders like Leah, who, incidentally, is into teachers.

View Quote Su-Chin: I'm having a little trouble concentrating.
Juno: Oh, well, I could sell you some of my Aderall, if you want.
Su-Chin: No thanks, I'm off pills.
Juno: That's a wise choice because I knew this girl who, like, had this crazy freak out because she took too many behavioral meds at once and she like ripped off her clothes, and dove into the fountain at Ridgedale Mall and was like, "Blagh! I am a Kraken from the sea!"
Su-Chin: I heard that was you.
Juno: [after an awkward pause] So, it was good seeing you, Su-Chin.

View Quote Rollo: Well fertile Myrtle, what's the prognosis? Minus or plus?
Juno: [taking a pregnancy test] I don't know. It's not seasoned yet. [grabs some candy] I'll take some of these. Nope... There it is. The little pink plus sign is so unholy.
Rollo: [as Juno shakes the test like a thermometer] That ain't no Etch-a-Sketch. This is one doodle that can't be un-did, homeskillet.

View Quote Mac: So, Juno, how was your little maneuver last night?
Juno: Which maneuver, sir? The one where I moved an entire living room set from one lawn to another, or the one where I drank a 64-ounce blue Slushee in ten minutes?
Bren: Juno, did you by any chance barf in my urn? Mac, you know that nice urn by the front door that I got up in Stillwater? I found some blue shit... [looks at Liberty Bell] Gunk. Stuff. In my urn.
Juno: I would never barf in your urn, Bren. Maybe LB did it.

View Quote Bren: I have sacrificed a lot for you, Juno, and when you move out I'm getting Weimaraners!
Juno: Whoa, dream big!
Bren: Oh, go fly a kite!

View Quote Juno: What about Katrina De Voort? You could totally go out with Katrina De Voort.
Paulie: No, I don't like Katrina. She smells like soup. Have you ever smelled her? I mean, her whole house smells like soup!

View Quote My dad used to be in the Army, but now he's just your average H-VAC specialist. He and my mom got divorced when I was five and now she lives on a Havasu reservation in Arizona with her new husband and three replacement kids. Oh, and she inexplicably mails me a cactus every Valentine's Day. And I'm like, "Thanks a heap, Coyote Ugly, this cactus-gram stings even worse than your abandonment."

View Quote Leah: Dude, I think it's best to just tell 'em.
Juno: I'm pregnant.
Bren: Oh, God.
Juno: But, uh ah, I'm going to give it up for adoption and I already found the perfect couple, they're going to pay for the medical expenses and everything. And in... what, ah... thirty-odd weeks we can just pretend that this never happened.
Mac: You're pregnant?
Juno: I'm sorry. I'm sorry... And if it is any consolation I have heartburn that is radiating in my knee caps and I haven't taken a dump since Wednesday... morning!
Bren: I didn't even know that you were sexually active.
Juno: I, uh...
Mac: Who is the kid?
Juno: The-the baby? I don't really know much about it other than, I mean, it has fingernails, allegedly.
Bren: Nails, really?
Juno: Yeah!
Mac: No, I know I mean who's the father, Juno?
Juno: Umm... It's Paulie Bleeker.
Mac: [snorts incredulously] Paulie Bleeker?
Juno: What?
Mac: I didn't think he had it in him!
Leah: I know, right?

View Quote Punk Receptionist: Free condom? They're boysenberry.
Juno: No, thanks. I'm off sex right now.
Punk Receptionist: My boyfriend wears them every time we have intercourse, it makes his junk smell like pie.

View Quote Juno: I'm pregnant.
Leah: What? Honest to blog? Maybe it's a food baby, did you have a big lunch?
Juno: This is not a food baby all right? I've taken like three pregnancy tests, and I'm forshizz up the spout.
Leah: How did you even generate enough pee for three pregnancy tests? That's amazing!
Juno: I don't know, I drank like ten tons of Sunny D! I'm telling you I'm pregnant and you're acting shockingly cavalier.
Leah: Is this for real? Like for real, for real?
Juno: Yes.
Leah: Oh my GOD! Oh SHIT! Phuket, Thailand!
Juno: That was kind of the emotion that I was searching for on the first take.

View Quote Yes, hello? I need to procure a hasty abortion?... What was that? I’m sorry, I’m on my hamburger phone. It’s kind of awkward to talk on. It’s really more of a novelty than a functional appliance.

View Quote Juno: Your little girlfriend gave me the stinkeye in art class yesterday.
Paulie: Katrina's not my girlfriend, all right? And I doubt she gave you the stinkeye. That's just how her face looks, you know? That's just her face.

View Quote Paulie Bleeker: I know that you weren't bored that day because there was a lot of stuff on TV, and then The Blair Witch Project was coming on Starz and you were like, "I haven't seen this since it came out so we should watch it" and, "but oh, no, we should just make out instead", la la la.

View Quote Juno: My dad had this weird obsession with Roman or Greek mythology or something and he decided to name me after Zeus' wife.
Mark: Zeus' wife?
Juno: Yeah and I mean Zeus had tons of lays but I'm pretty sure Juno was his only wife. And apparently she was supposed to be super beautiful but really mean...kind of like Diana Ross.

View Quote Leah: Yo yo yiggidy yo.
Juno: I'm a suicide risk.
Leah: Juno?
Juno: No, it's Morgan Freeman, do you have any bones that need collecting?
Leah: Only the one in my pants, haha.