Hot Fuzz

Hot Fuzz quotes

94 total quotes (ID: 277)

Danny Butterman
Multiple Characters
Nicholas Angel
Simon Skinner

Peter Ian Staker: [on the phone, politely] Morning, the swan's escaped.
Nicholas Angel: [looking around the office, certain it is a prank] The swan's escaped. Right, and where has the swan escaped from, exactly?
Peter Ian Staker: The castle.
Nicholas Angel: Oh yeah, and who might you be?
Peter Ian Staker: Mr. Staker. Mr. Peter Ian Staker.
Nicholas Angel: [annoyed] PI Staker? Right, pisstaker! Come on!
[cut to Angel, standing outside the castle in front of Peter Ian Staker]
Nicholas Angel: Yes Mr. Staker, we'll do everything we can. Can you describe it?
Peter Ian Staker: It's about two-feet tall, long slender neck, kinda orange and black bill...
Nicholas Angel: Anything else?
Peter Ian Staker: Well... it's a swan.

Nicholas Angel: How can this be for the greater good?
NWA Members: [chanting] The greater good.
Nicholas Angel: SHUT IT! These people died for no reason! No reason whatsoever!
Inspector Frank Butterman: I wouldn't say that. [Nicholas turns and is shocked] Hello Nicholas. I was like you once. I believed in the immutable word of the law. That is until the night Mrs. Butterman was taken from me. You see, no one loved Sandford more than her. She was head of the Women's Institute, chair of the Floral Committee. When they started the Village of the Year Contest, she worked around the clock. I'd never seen such dedication. But on the eve of the adjudicator's arrival, some travelers moved into Calahoo Park, and before you could say gypsy scum we were knee deep in dog muck, thieving kids and crusty jugglers.
NWA Members: [chanting] Crusty jugglers.
Inspector Frank Butterman: We lost the title, and Irene lost her mind. She drove her Datsun Cherry into Sandford Gorge... and from that moment on, I swore that I would do her proud and whatever the cost, we would make Sandford great again.
Nicholas Angel: Sir, this doesn't make any sense.
Inspector Frank Butterman: The adjudicators arrive tomorrow. We had to get everything ready.
Nicholas Angel: [disgusted] Are you saying this is all about winning the Best Village award?
Inspector Frank Butterman: This is the Best Village, Nicholas. You've seen the people. They're happy. Contented.
Nicholas Angel: They're living in a dream world!
Inspector Frank Butterman: Sergeant Popwell thought much the same as you. I'm disappointed you can't see the bigger picture.
Nicholas Angel: Well I'm happy to disappoint you, sir! You're going to have to come with me, you are all going to have to come with me.
Inspector Frank Butterman: No Nicholas, I'm afraid it is you who is going to have to come with us...

Inspector Frank Butterman: Your predecessor assumed rural policing was easy. Ended up having a nervous breakdown, and Sergeant Popwell was an exceptional officer. Truly exceptional. But he had one thing you haven't got.
Nicholas Angel: What's that, sir?
Inspector Frank Butterman: [jovially] A GREAT BIG BUSHY BEARD!

[watching an elderly man in a large, thick coat pass by]
Nicholas Angel: What about this guy?
Danny Butterman: [surprised] Mr. Treacher?
Nicholas Angel: Yeah, why has he got that big coat on? He can't be cold, why the extra layer? Maybe he's trying to hide something.
Danny Butterman: Mr. Treacher?
[Nicholas turns his attention to a young man in a purple track suite, who's cap is pulled down over the top of his face]
Nicholas Angel: Okay, what about this guy? Why has he got his hat pulled down like that?
Danny Butterman: He's ****-ugly.
Nicholas Angel: Or he doesn't want you to see his face.
Danny Butterman: BECAUSE he's ****-ugly.
Nicholas Angel: [turning his attention to yet another suspicious character, this time a tall, muscular brute] What's his story?
Danny Butterman: Oh, that's Lurch.
Nicholas Angel: Go on.
Danny Butterman: He's a trolley boy at the local supermarket.
Nicholas Angel: Uh-huh.
Danny Butterman: Real name Michael Armstrong.
Nicholas Angel: Mmm-hmm.
Danny Butterman: Dad says he's got a child's mind.
Nicholas Angel: Okay.
Danny Butterman: He lives up Summer Street with his mum and his sister.
Nicholas Angel: And are they as big as he is?
Danny Butterman: Who?
Nicholas Angel: The mum and the sister?
Danny Butterman: Same person.

DC Andy Cartwright: Everybody and their mums is packin' round here.
Nicholas Angel: Like who?
DS Andy Wainwright: Farmers.
Nicholas Angel: Who else?
DC Andy Cartwright: Farmers' mums.

[Discussing Point Break]
Danny Butterman: Have you ever seen Point Break?
Nicholas Angel: No.
Danny Butterman: Amazing bit in Point Break where they jump over fences.
Nicholas Angel: Is there now.
Danny Butterman: Patrick Swayze has just robbed this bank, and Keanu Reeves is chasin' him through peoples' gardens, and then he goes to shoot Swayze but he can't because he loves him so much and he's firin' his gun up in the air and he's like 'ahhh!'
Nicholas Angel: Yep.
Danny Butterman: Have you ever fired your gun up in the air and gone 'ahhh'?
Nicholas Angel: No I have not fired my gun up in the air and gone 'ahhh'!

Nicholas Angel: [Angel puts some coins in the swear box] Leslie Tiller was ****ing murdered!
DC Andy Cartwright: What, just like Tim Messenger?
Nicholas Angel: Yes!
DS Andy Wainwright: George Merchant?
Nicholas Angel: Yes!
DC Andy Cartwright: Eve Draper?
Nicholas Angel: Yes!
DS Andy Wainwright: Martin Blower?
Nicholas Angel: No, actually.
DS Andy Wainwright and DC Andy Cartwright: Really?
Nicholas Angel: 'Course he ****ing was! [Danny puts money in the swear box] Thank you Danny!
DC Andy Cartwright: Murder, murder, murder. Change the ****in' record! [DS Wainwright puts money in the swear box] Thank you Andy.
Sergeant Tony Fisher: Come on Sergeant, you've gotta accept that it was just another nasty accident.
Nicholas Angel: What are you suggesting?! That Leslie Tiller tripped and fell on her own shears?
Seargent Tony Fisher: Ben Fletcher fell on his pitchfork the other week.
PC Doris Thatcher: Yeah, accidents happen all the time. What makes you think it was MURDER?
Nicholas Angel: BECAUSE I WAS THERE!!!
DS Andy Wainwright: There's a point. Why were you there?
Nicholas Angel: I was buying... Constable Butterman a Japanese peace lily for his birthday.
DC Andy Cartwright: What absolute 'orseshit!
Nicholas Angel: I chased a suspect from the scene! Innocent people don't run!
Seargent Tony Fisher: Maybe it was our ol' friend the Cactus Theif?
PC Doris Thatcher: Oh yeah, he was a prickly customer, weren't he? Ha ha!
DC Andy Cartwright: [Robert De Niro impression] Maybe you are. Maybe you did it.
DS Andy Wainwright: Seeing how you're such a big fan of murder!
Nicholas Angel: WHAT THE F--
Frank Butterman: Sergeant Angel?
Nicholas Angel: YES! [calms down] Sir?

[after Nicholas has been shown around the police station]
Frank Butterman: Well, that's just about everything. Unless there's anything you're unclear about?
Nicholas Angel: Yes, sir, why is everyone eating chocolate cake?
Frank Butterman: The Black Forest gatteux is on Danny as punishment for his little indiscretion.
Nicholas Angel: Sir, I don't think driving under the influence can be called 'a little indiscretion.'
Frank Butterman: No, the gatteux is for misplacing his helment last week. Last night's incident will require something rather more serious.
Nicholas Angel: Good.
Frank Butterman: Do you like ice cream?
Nicholas Angel: I'm sorry sir, I don't follow.
Frank Butterman: Let's just say we won't be short of Chunky Monkey for the next month!
Danny Butterman: Dad!
Frank Butterman: Now, since it's your first day and it's half past eleven, I'd say that's lunch.

[Nicholas has chased down the young man in the purple track suit, named Peter ****er, who has stolen some cookies]
Nicholas Angel: You do not have to say anything, however it may harm your defence if you fail to mention when questioned something you later rely on in court. Anything you do say can be given in evidence.
[Danny finally catches up to them]
Peter ****er: Hi Danny.
Danny Butterman: [gasping] Hi Pete.
Nicholas Angel: Do you know this man?
Danny Butterman: Yeah, he's Auntie Jackie's sister's brother's boy.
Nicholas Angel: And it didn't occur to you to mention this before?
Danny Butterman: Couldn't see his face, could I? Not made of eyes!

[on Angel's first night in the Crown pub, he spies many underage drinkers and, even though he is not an official member of the Sandford police force until the next morning, he is spurred into action]
Nicholas Angel: Excuse me. When's your birthday?
Underage Drinker: [confidently] 22nd of February.
Nicholas Angel: What year?
Underage Drinker: Every year.
Nicholas Angel: Get out.
[Nicholas approaches a new target]
Nicholas Angel: YOU! When's your birthday?
Underage Drinker: Uh... 8th of May, 1969?
Nicholas Angel: You're 37?
Underage Drinker: Yeah.
Nicholas Angel: Get out.
[he approaches a swotty drinker with glasses]
Nicholas Angel: When's your birthday?
Underage Drinker: [panicking] Errr--
Nicholas Angel: OUT!

Danny Butterman: Have you seen a lot of action, Sergeant Angel?
Nicholas Angel: I've experienced my fair share, yes.
Danny Butterman: You cook any fools?
Nicholas Angels: What?
Danny Butterman: Did you shoot anyone?
DS Andy Wainwright: He shot a crackhead with a Kalashnikov.
Danny Butterman: [impressed] Caw, where'd you get that?
Nicholas Angel: The offender had the Kalashnikov.
Danny Butterman: [impressed] Caw, where'd he get that?

Danny Butterman: How's Lurch?
Nicholas Angel: He's in the freezer.
Danny Butterman: Did you say 'cool off'?
Nicholas Angel: No, I didn't say anything actually.
Danny Butterman: Shame.
Nicholas Angel: There was a bit earlier that you missed when I distracted him with a cuddly monkey, then I said 'playtime's over' and I hit him with the Peace Lily.
Danny Butterman: You're off the ****in' chain!

Danny Butterman: What made you wanna be a policeman?
Nicholas Angel: [correcting him] Officer.
Danny Butterman: What made you wanna be a policeman-officer?
Nicholas Angel: I can't remember a time when I didn't want to be a police officer, except in the summer of 1979 when I wanted to be Kermit the Frog. It all started with my Uncle Derek; he was a sergeant in the Met. He bought me a police pedal car when I was five. I rode round in it every second I was awake, arresting kids twice my size for littering and spitting. I got beaten up a lot when I was young but, it didn't stop me. I wanted to be like Uncle Derek.
Danny Butterman: Sounds like a good bloke.
Nicholas Angel: Actually he was arrested for selling drugs to students.
Danny Butterman: What a ****.
Nicholas Angel: Probably bought the pedal car with the proceeds. Needless to say, I never went near it again. I just let it rust. But I never forgot the sense of right and wrong I learned behind the wheel of that pedal car. I had to prove to myself that the law was proper, and righteous, and for the good of human kind.
Danny Butterman: Shame.
Nicholas Angel: How so?
Danny Butterman: I think you'd have made a great Muppet.

Tim Messenger: Sergeant Angel, Hi hi. Quick word for the Sandford Citizen?
Nicholas Angel: Uh, it was very enjoyable.
Tim Messenger: 'Cop Enjoys Watching Young Lovers'?
Nicholas Angel: I don't think so.
Tim Messenger: 'Local Bobby Gives Thumbs Up to Teen Suicide'?
Nicholas Angel: That's just grossly inappropriate.
[Nicholas and Danny have just chased down a speeding vehicle. Nicholas confronts the driver, Martin Blower and his partner Eve Draper]
Martin Blower: Was I going a tad fast, officer?
Nicholas Angel: [reading his license] Yes you were Mister... Blower.
Martin Blower: Well now you see, we are staging a homage to William Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet and we're a little late for the dress rehersal. I'm playing the eponymous hero. Romeo, not Juliet.
[he sees that Nicholas is copying down everything that he is saying on his notepad]
Martin Blower: What are you writing?
Nicholas Angel: Everything you're saying, I might need to refer to it later.
Martin Blower: Now officer, I am a respected solicitor so there's no need to-- just stop writing now. Look, I am merely trying to explain why I might have exeeded the speed limit.
Nicholas Angel: [reading from his notepad] You're playing the male lead in a homage to William Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet and you're late for the dress rehersal. Do you think this is a good enough reason to travel at 48 in a 30 zone?
Martin Blower: But I--
Nicholas Angel: To flout speed limits specifically put in place to save lives?
Martin Blower: Oh, now this is preposterous!
Nicholas Angel: [writing] 'Preposterous.'
Martin Blower: [exasperated] Just stop WRITING!
Nicholas Angel: 'Stop writing.'

Danny Butterman: Have you ever fired two guns whilst jumping through the air?
Nicholas Angel: No.
Danny Butterman: Have you ever fired one gun whilst jumping through the air?
Nicholas Angel: No.
Danny Butterman: Have you ever been involved in a high speed car chase?
Nicholas Angel: Yes I have.
Danny Butterman: Have you ever fired a gun whilst in a high speed car chase?
Nicholas Angel: No!