N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z #


Fargo quotes

61 total quotes

Carl Showalter
Jerry Lundegaard
Marge Gunderson
Multiple Characters
Opening Text
Wade Gustafson

Customer: We sat here right in this room and went over this and over this!
Jerry: Yeah, but that TruCoat--
Customer: I sat right here and said I didn't want no TruCoat!
Jerry: Yeah, but I'm sayin', that TruCoat, you don't get it and you get oxidization problems. It'll cost you a heck of lot more'n five hundred--
Customer: You're sittin' here, you're talkin' in circles! You're talkin' like we didn't go over this already!
Jerry: Yeah, but this TruCoat--
Customer: We had us a deal here for nine-teen-five. You sat there and darned if you didn't tell me you'd get this car, these options, without the sealant, for nine-teen-five!
Jerry: All right, I'm not sayin' I didn't--
Customer: You called me twenty minutes ago and said you had it! Ready to make delivery, ya says! Come on down and get it! And here ya are and you're wastin' my time and you're wastin' my wife's time and I'm payin' nineteen-five for this vehicle here!
Jerry: All right. I'll talk to my boss. See, they install that TruCoat at the factory, there's nothin' we can do, but I'll talk to my boss.
[Jerry leaves the room]
Customer: [to his wife] These guys here--these guys! It's always the same! It's always more!
[Other room]
Jerry: You goin' to the Gophers on Sunday?
Salesman: Oh you betcha.
Jerry: You wouldn't happen to have an extra ticket?
Salesman: You kiddin'!
[Jerry returns to his office]
Jerry: Well, he never done this before. But seeing as it's special circumstances and all, he says I can knock a hundred dollars off that Trucoat.
Customer: One hundred--You lied to me, Mr Lundegaard. You're a bald-faced liar. A ****ing liar.
Customer's Wife: Bucky, please.
Customer: Where's my god damn check book? Let's get this over with.

Jerry: How ya doin' there, Stan? How are ya, Wade?
Stan Grossman: Good to see ya again, Jerr'. If these numbers are right, this looks pretty sweet.
Jerry: Oh, those numbers are right, all right. Believe me.
Wade: This is do-able.
Stan Grossman: Congratulations, Jerry.
Jerry: Yeah, thanks, Stan, it's a pretty--
Wade: What kind of finder's fee were you looking for?
Jerry: Huh?
Stan Grossman: The financials are pretty thorough, so the only thing we don't know is your fee.
Jerry: My fee? Wade, what the heck are you talkin' about?
Wade: Stan and I are okay.
Jerry: Yeah.
Wade: We're good to loan in.
Jerry: Yeah.
Wade: But we never talked about your fee for bringin' it to us.
Jerry: No, but, Wade, see, I was bringin' you this deal for you to loan me the money to put in. It's my deal here, see?
Stan Grossman: Jerry, we thought you were bringin' us an investment.
Jerry: Yeah, right.
Stan Grossman: You're sayin'... What're you sayin'?
Wade: You're sayin' that we put in all the money and you collect when it pays off?
Jerry: No, no. I--I 'd, pay you back the principal, and interest. Heck, I'd go one over prime?
Stan Grossman: We're not a bank, Jerry.
Wade: What the heck, Jerry, if I wanted bank interest on seven hundred fifty thousand I'd go to Midwest Federal. Talk to Bill Diehl.
Stan Grossman: He's at Norstar.
Wade: He's at--
Jerry: No, see, I don't need a finder's fee, I need a finder's fee's, what, ten percent, heck that's not gonna do it for me. I need the principal!
Stan Grossman: Jerry, we're not just going to give you seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars.
Wade: What the heck were you thinkin'? Heck, if I'm only gettin' bank interest, I'd look for complete security. Heck, FDIC. I don't see nothin' like that here.
Jerry: Yeah, but I--Okay, I would, I'd guarantee ya your money back.
Wade: I'm not talkin' about your damn word, Jerry. Geez, what the heck are you--?
Stan Grossman: We're not a bank, Jerry.
Wade: Well, look, I don't want to cut you out of the loop, but this here's a good deal. I assume, if you're not interested, you won't mind if we move on it independently.

Mike Yanagita: Marge!
Marge: Mike!
Mike Yanagita: Geez! You look great! [Mike hugs Marge]
Marge: Yeah, easy there, you do too! I'm expecting, ya know.
Mike Yanagita: I see that! That's great! What can I get ya?
Marge: Just a Diet Coke, please. This is a nice place.
Mike Yanagita: Yeah, ya know it's the Radisson, so it's pretty good.
Marge: So, you're livin' in Edina, now?
Mike Yanagita: Oh, yeah, couple years now. It's actually Eden Prarie, that school district. So Chief Gunderson, then! So ya went and married Norm Son-of-a-Gunderson!
Marge: Oh, yeah, a long time ago.
Mike Yanagita: Great. So, uh, what brings ya down. Are ya down here on that homicide if you're allowed, ya know, to discuss that?
Marge: Oh, yah, but there's not a heck of a lot to discuss. So what about you, Mike? Are you married? You got kids?
Mike Yanagita: Well, uh, I was married. I was married to--You mind if I sit over here? [Mike slides out of his side of the booth and eases in next to Marge] I was married to Linda Cooksey.
Marge: No, I--Mike, why don't ya sit over there, I'd prefer that.
Mike Yanagita: Huh? Oh, okay. [Mike slides back to his original seat across from Marge] I'm sorry.
Marge: No, just so I can see ya, ya know. Don't have to turn my neck.
Mike Yanagita: Oh, sure, I understand, I didn't mean to--
Marge: No, no, that's fine.
Mike Yanagita: Yeah, sorry, so I was married to Linda Cooksey--ya remember Linda? She was a year behind us.
Marge : Yah, I think I remember Linda, yeah. Oh yeah. So things didn't work out, huh?
Mike Yanagita: And then I, and then I been workin' for Honeywell for a few years now.
Marge: Well, they're a good outfit.
Mike Yanagita: Yeah, if you're an engineer, yeah, you could do a lot worse. Of course, it's not, uh, it's nothin' like your achievement.
Marge: It sounds like you're doin' really super.
Mike Yanagita: Yah, well, I, uh--it's not that it didn't work out. Linda had leukemia. She passed away.
Marge: Oh, no.
Mike Yanagita: It was a tough, uh--it was a long. She fought real hard.
Marge: I'm sorry, Mike.
Mike Yanagita: Oh, ya know, that's, uh--what can I say? Better times, huh?
Marge: Better times.
Mike Yanagita: And, oh, then I saw you on the news and I remembered. I always liked you.
Marge: Well, I always liked you, Mike.
Mike Yanagita: I always liked ya so much!
Marge: [Pause] So, Mike, should we get together another time, ya think?
Mike Yanagita: No! No, I'm sorry! It's just-- shouldn't a done this. I thought we'd have a really terrific time, and now I've--
Marge: It's okay, Mike.
Mike Yanagita: You were such a super lady! And then I--I been so lonely--
Marge: It's okay.

Marge: Okay, I want you to tell me what these fellas looked like.
Hooker #1: Well, the little guy, he was kinda funny-looking.
Marge: In what way?
Hooker #1: I dunno, just funny-lookin'.
Marge: Can you be any more specific?
Hooker #1: I couldn't really say. He wasn't circumcised.
Marge: Was he funny lookin' apart from that?
Hooker #1: Yeah.
Marge: So, you were having sex with the little fella, then?
Hooker #1: Uh-huh.
Marge: Is there anything else you can tell me about him?
Hooker #1: No. Like I say, he was funny lookin'. More n' most people even.
Marge: And what about the other fella?
Hooker #2: He was a little older. Looked like the Marlboro man.
Marge: Yeah?
Hooker #2: Yeah. Maybe I'm sayin' that cause he smoked Marlboros.
Marge: Uh-huh.
Hooker #2: A subconscious-type thing.
Marge: Yeah, that can happen.
Hooker #2: Yeah.
Hooker #1: They said they were goin' to the Twin Cities?
Marge: Oh, yeah?
Hooker #2: Yeah!
Hooker #1: Yeah. Is that useful to ya?
Marge: Oh, you betcha, yeah.

Lou: The last vehicle that the trooper cited was a tan Ciera at 2:18 am. Under the plate number, he put DLR--I figure they stopped him or shot him before he could finish fillin' out the tag number. So I got the state lookin' for a Ciera with a tag startin' DLR. They don't got no match yet.
Marge: I'm not sure that I agree with you a hundred percent on your policework there, Lou.
Lou: Yeah?
Marge: Yah. I think that vehicle there probably had dealer plates. DLR?
Lou: Oh geez.
Marge: Say Lou. Did ya hear the one about the guy who couldn't afford personalized plates, so he went and changed his name to J3L 2404?
Lou: Yeah, that's a good one.

Grimsrud: Where is Pancakes House?
Carl: What?
Grimsrud: We stop at Pancakes House.
Carl: What are ya, nuts? We had pancakes for breakfast. I want to go somewhere I can get a shot and a beer, and a steak, maybe. No more ****in' pancakes, C'mon, man. C'mon, man! Okay, here's an idea. We'll stop outside of Brainerd. I know a place there we can get laid. What do ya think?
Grimsrud: I'm ****in' hungry now, you know!
Carl: Yeah, yeah. Jesus. I was just saying we could stop, get pancakes, and get laid.

Mr. Mohra: How ya doin'?
Officer Olson: Mr. Mohra?
Mr. Mohra: Yeah.
Officer Olson: Officer Olson.
Mr. Mohra: Yeah, right-o. So I'm tendin' bar down there at Ecklund and Swedlin's last Tuesday and this little guy's drinkin' and he says, 'So where can a guy find some action? I'm goin' crazy out there at the lake.' And I says, 'What kinda action?' And he says, 'Woman action, what do I look like?' And I says, 'Well, what do I look like, I don't arrange that kinda thing,' and he says, 'But I'm goin' crazy out there at the lake,' and I says, 'Yeah, but this ain't that kinda place.'
Officer Olson: Uh huh.
Mr. Mohra: He says, 'Oh, so I get it, so you think I'm some kinda jerk for askin',' only he don't use the word jerk.
Officer Olson: I understand.
Mr. Mohra: Then he calls me a jerk and says the last guy who thought he was a jerk is dead now. So I don't say nothin'. He says, 'What do ya think about that?' And I says, 'Well, that don't sound like too good a deal for him, then.'
Officer Olson: You got that right.
Mr. Mohra: Yeah. He says, 'Yeah, that guy's dead and I don't mean of old age.' And then he says, 'Geez, I'm goin' crazy out there at the lake.'
Officer Olson: White Bear Lake?
Mr. Mohra: Yeah, well, at Ecklund and Swedlin, that's closer to Moose Lake, so I made that assumption.
Officer Olson: Oh, sure.
Mr. Mohra: Anyway, he was drinkin' at the bar, so I don't think a whole great deal of it, but then Mrs. Mohra, she heard about the homicides down here and thought I should call it in, so I called it in. End of story.
Officer Olson: Well, what'd this guy look like, anyways?
Mr. Mohra: Oh, he was a little guy. Kinda funny-lookin'.
Officer Olson: Uh huh. In what way?
Mr. Mohra: Oh, just in a general kinda way.
Officer Olson: Okay, well, thanks a bunch, Mr. Mohra. You're right, it's probably nothin', but thanks for callin' her in.
Mr. Mohra: Oh sure. Looks like she's gonna turn cold tomorrow.
Officer Olson: Yeah, got a front movin' in.
Mr. Mohra: Yeah, you got that right.

Carl: Hey, look at that. Twin Cities. That's the IDS Building, the big glass one. Tallest skyscraper in the Midwest - after the uh, Sears, in, uh, Chicago, or John Han**** Building, whatever. You ever been to Minneapolis?
Grimsrud: Nope.
Carl: Would it kill you to say something?
Grimsrud: I did.
Carl: "No." That's the first thing you've said in the last four hours. That's a, that's a fountain of conversation, man. That's a geyser. I mean, whoa, daddy, stand back, man. Shit. You know I'm sittin' here drivin', doin' all the drivin', man, the whole ****in' way from Brainerd, drivin', just tryin' to chat, you know, keep our spirits up, fight the boredom of the road, and you can't say one ****in' thing just in the way of conversation? Well, **** it. I don't have to talk either, man. See how you like it. [Pause] Just total ****in' silence. Two can play at that game, smart guy. We'll just see how you like it. Total silence.

Marge: Mr. Lundegaard? Sorry to bother you again. Can I come in?
Jerry: Yah, no, I'm kinda--I'm kinda busy here.
Marge: I understand. I'll keep it real short, then. I'm on my way out of town, but I was just--Do you mind if I sit down? I'm carrying a bit of a load here.
Jerry: No, I--
Marge: Yah, it's this vehicle I asked you about yesterday. I was just wondering--
Jerry: Yah, like I told ya, we haven't had any vehicles go missing.
Marge: Okay, are you sure, cause, I mean, how do you know? Because, see, the crime I'm investigating, the perpetrators were driving a car with dealer plates. And they called someone who works here, so it'd be quite a coincidence if they weren't, ya know, 'connected'.
Jerry: Yah, I see.
Marge: So how do you--have you done any kind of inventory recently?
Jerry: The car's not from our lot, ma'am.
Marge: But do you know that for sure without--
Jerry: Well, I would know. I'm the Executive Sales Manager!
Marge: Yah, but--
Jerry: We run a pretty tight ship here.
Marge: I understand. Do you do a count, or what kind of a routine do you have here?
Jerry: Ma'am, I answered your question!
Marge: I'm sorry, sir?
Jerry: Ma'am, I answered your question. I answered the darned--I'm cooperatin' here! And, I--
Marge: Sir, you have no call to get snippy with me, I'm just doing my job here.
Jerry: I'm... I'm not arguing here! I'm cooperating. So there's no need to--we're doin' all we can here.
Marge: Sir, could I talk to Mr. Gustafson?
[Jerry stares at her]
Marge: Mr. Lundegaard?
Jerry: Well, heck, if you wanna--if you wanna play games here! I'm workin' with ya on this thing, but I--Okay, I'll do a damned lot count!
Marge: Sir? Right now?
[Jerry puts on his coat and hat]
Jerry: Yeah, right now, you're darned tootin'! If it's so damned imporant to ya!
Marge: Well, I'm sorry sir.
Jerry: Ah, what the Christ!
[Jerry leaves, then is seen driving away]
Marge: Oh for Pete's sake, he's fleeing the interview! He's fleeing the interview!

Female Escort: So, you from around here?
Carl: Just in town on business. Just in and out. A little of the old in-and-out!
Female Escort: What do ya do?
Carl: Have ya been to the Celebrity Room before? With other, uh, clients?
Female Escort: I don't think so. It's nice.
Carl: Yeah, well, it depends on the artist. You know, Jose Feliciano, ya got no complaints. Waiter! What is he deaf? So, how long you been with the escort service?
Female Escort: I don't know, a few months.
Carl: Find that work interesting, do ya?
Female Escort: What're ya talkin' about?

Norm: They announced it.
Marge: They announced it?
Norm: Yeah.
Marge: So?
Norm:Three-cent stamp.
Marge: Your mallard?
Norm: Yeah.
Marge: Why that's terrific.
Norm:It's just the three-cent.
Marge: It's terrific.
Norman: Hautman's blue-winged teal got the twenty-nine cent. People don't much use the three-cent.
Marge: Oh, for Pete's sake, of course they do. Whenever they raise the postage, people need the little stamps.
Norm: Yeah?
Marge: When they're stuck with a bunch of the old ones.
Norm: Yeah, I guess.
Marge: That's terrific. I'm so proud of ya, Norm. Heck, Norm, you know we're doin' pretty good.
Norm : I love you, Margie.
Marge: I love you, Norm.
Norm: Two more months.
Marge: Two more months.

[Jerry answers the phone]
Jerry: Jerry Lundegaard.
Carl: All right, Jerry, you got this phone to yourself?
Jerry: Well, yeah.
Carl: Know who this is?
Jerry: Well, yeah, I got an idea. How's that Ciera workin' out for ya?
Carl: Circumstances have changed, Jerry.
Jerry: Well, what do ya mean?
Carl: Things have changed. Circumstances, Jerry. Beyond the, uh, acts of God, force majeure--
Jerry: What the--how's Jean?
Carl: Who's Jean?
Jerry: My wife! What the--how's--
Carl: Oh, Jean's okay, but there's three people up in Brainerd who aren't so okay, I'll tell ya that.
Jerry: What the heck are you talkin' about? Let's just finish up this deal here--
Carl: Blood has been shed, Jerry.
Jerry: What the heck ya mean?
Carl: Three people. In Brainerd.
Jerry: Oh, geez.
Carl: That's right and we need more money.
Jerry: The heck do ya mean? What a you fellas get yourself mixed up in?
Carl: We need more--
Jerry: This was s'posed to be a no-rough-stuff-type deal--
Carl: Don't ever interrupt me Jerry, just shut the **** up!
Jerry: Well, I'm sorry, but I just--I--
Carl: Look, I'm not gonna debate you, Jerry. The price is now the whole amount. We want the entire eighty thousand.
Jerry: Oh, for Christ sakes here--
Carl: Blood has been shed. We've incurred risks, Jerry. I'm coming into town tomorrow. Have the money ready.
Jerry: Now we had a deal. A deal's a deal.
Carl: Is it, Jerry? Why don't you ask those three poor souls in Brainerd if a deal's a deal. Go ahead, ask them!
Jerry: The heck do ya mean?
Carl Showalter: [mimicking] "The heck ya mean?" I'll see you tomorrow.

Carl: [about his face] You should see the other guy. [He sees Jean slumped to the floor, dead] The **** happened to her?
Grimsrud: She started shrieking, ya know.
Carl: Jesus. Oh. Well, I got the money. All of it. All eighty grand. Forty for you, forty for me. That's it, then. Here are the keys to my truck. I'm takin' the Sierra.
Grimsrud: We split that.
Carl: How the **** do ya split a ****in' car, ya dummy? With a ****in' chainsaw?
Grimsrud: One of us pays the other for half.
Carl: Hold on. No ****in' way. You ****in' notice this?! I got ****in' shot. I got ****in' shot in the face! I went and got the ****in' money! I got shot ****in' pickin' it up! I've been up for thirty-six ****in' hours! I'm takin' that ****in' car! That ****er's mine, ya ****in' asshole. Ya know, I've been listenin' to your ****in' bullshit all week. Are we square?! Are we square? Yeah, ya ****in' mute. And if you see your friend Shep Proudfoot, tell him I'm gonna nail his ****in' ass!

Marge: Mr. Lundegaard?
Jerry: Huh? Yeah?
Marge: I wonder if I could take just a minute of your time here--
Jerry: What--What is it all about?
Marge: Huh? Do you mind if I sit down? I'm carrying quite a load here. You're the owner here, Mr. Lundegaard?
Jerry: Naw, I--Executive Sales Manager.
Marge: Well, you can help me. My name's Marge Gunderson--
Jerry: My father-in-law, he's the owner.
Marge: Okay. Well, I'm a police officer from up Brainerd investigating some malfeasance and I was just wondering if you've had any new vehicles stolen off the lot in the past couple of weeks? Specifically a tan Cutlass Ciera?
[Jerry looks at her]'
Marge: Mr. Lundegaard?
Jerry: Brainerd?
Marge: Yeah. Yeah. Home a Paul Bunyan and Babe the Blue Ox.
Jerry: Babe the Blue Ox. [laughs]
Marge: Yeah, ya know we've got the big statue there. So you haven't had any vehicles go missing, then?
Jerry: Nope. No, ma'am.
Marge: Okey-dokey, thanks a bunch. I'll let you get back to your paperwork, then.

Attendant: Hi.
Carl: Yeah, I decided not to park here.
Attendant: What do you mean? You decided not to park here?
Carl: Yeah, I just came in. I decided not to park here.
Attendant: You, uh--I'm sorry, sir, but--
Carl: I decided not to--I'm, uh, not taking the trip as it turns out.
Attendant: I'm sorry, sir, we do have to charge you the four dollars.
Carl: I just pulled in here. I just ****in' pulled in here!
Attendant: Well, see, there's a minimum charge of four dollars. Long-term parking charges by the day.
Carl: I guess you think, ya know, you're some kind of an authority figure. With that stupid ****ing uniform. Huh, buddy? King Clip-on Tie here. Big ****ing man, huh? You know, these are the limits of your life, man. Ruler of your little ****ing gate here. There's your four dollars, you pathetic piece of shit.