Dumb and Dumber quotes

View Quote Harry: What's her last name? I'll look it up.
Lloyd: You know, I don't really recall. Starts with an S! Let's see. Swim? Swammi? Slippy? Slappy? Swenson? Swanson?
Harry: Maybe it's on the briefcase.
Lloyd: Oh, yeah! It's right here.
[He reads the manufacturer's name, which is Samsonite.]
Lloyd: Samsonite! I was way off! I knew it started with an S, though.

View Quote [singing]
Lloyd: Mock!
Harry: Yeah!
Lloyd: Ing!
Harry: Yeah!
Lloyd: Bird!
Harry: Yeah!
Head Detective: Did you get a make on the vehicle?
Detective: Yes, sir. They're driving an '84...sheep dog.
[spots a pair of skis on top of a woman's car]
Harry: Skis, huh?
Woman: That's right.
Harry: They yours?
Woman: ..Uh huh.
Harry: Both of them?
Woman: Yeah.
Harry: Cool!
Harry: That's a lot of luggage for a little vacation.
Beth: Oh, I'm moving to Aspen. I've gotta get away from my boyfriend. He's such a klutz! Plus, my astrologer told me that I really should stay away from accident-prone guys. So, you know.
Harry: Well, you know I--
[rests hand on Beth's car's side mirror, which breaks]
Harry: [hands mirror to her] Here. It's a little loose.
Lloyd: Isn't this incredible? What more could two single guys ask for?
Harry: How about some food?
Lloyd: I swallowed a big June Bug while we were driving. I'm not really hungry.
[reading newspaper]
Lloyd: Mary Swanson will... hossst... a new-ul...
Harry: "Host", "annual".
Lloyd: An..u..el
Harry: "Annual".
Lloyd: T...t...t-heh...t...
Harry: "The".
Lloyd: I mean, if one beautiful girl can rip us apart like this, then our friendship isn't worth a damn. Maybe we should call it quits right now.
Harry: You just tell me where to sign, bud.
Lloyd: Right on my ass right after ya kiss it!
Harry: Kiss it?! You kiss mine! Both cheeks, both lips! Right here! Mwah, Mwah, Mwah!!
Nicholas: Which one of you wants to get it first?
Lloyd: Over here. I was the one who got us into this whole mess. C'mon, shoot me.
Harry: No! Wait. Do me first. I stole your girl, Lloyd, I deserve it.
Lloyd: No, you don't.
Harry: Yes, I do.
Lloyd: No, you don't. No, you don't!
Harry: Yes, I do! Yesterday was one of the greatest days of my life! Mary and I went skiing, we made a snowman, she touched my leg.
Lloyd: (faking) Okay. Kill him!
Lloyd: What's going on, Harry? Your name is "Harry", isn't it?
Harry: Yeah, she grabbed down at the lobby, explained what was up, then they slapped this bullet proof vest on me and gave me a gun.
Harry: But what if he shot you in the face?
Harry: [to detective] What if he shot me in the face?
Beth: That's a risk we were willing to take.
[bus pulls up, a girl comes out]
Bikini contestant: Hey, guys. We're going on a national bikini tour and we're looking for two oil boys who can grease us up before each competition.
Harry: You are in luck...there's a town about three miles that way. I'm sure you'll find a couple guys there.
Bikini contestant: Okay..thanks..
[bus pulls away]
Lloyd: Do you realize what you've done?! Hey! Wait!
[bus stops, and opens doors for them]
Lloyd: Y-you'll have to excuse my friend. He's a little slow...the town is back that way!
Lloyd: [nudges Harry] You're it.
Harry: [nudges Lloyd] You're it.
Lloyd: [nudges Harry] You're it, quitsies!
Harry: Anti-quitsies. [nudges Lloyd] You're it! Quitsies, no anti-quitsies, no startsies!
Lloyd: You can't do that!
Harry: Can too!
Lloyd: Cannot, stamped it!
Harry: Can too, double stamped it, no erasies!
Lloyd: Cannot, triple stamped it, no erasies, touch blue make it true. [puts his hands over his ears and sings]
Harry: No! No! You can't triple stamp a double stamp! You can't triple stamp a double stamp, Lloyd! You can't triple stamp a double stamp! LLOYD! LLOYD! You c--
Joe: GUYS!!! ENOUGH!!
Beth: The number's 555-...
Harry: (quietly and rapidly) 555-...
Beth: 905-- Wait a minute, that's my old number. (laughs) That is so weird how your mind just goes blank!
Harry: (screams while his left leg is on fire) FOR GOD'S SAKES, JUST GIMME THE DAMN NUMBER!!!
Beth: Okay, look. Uh, you're gonna get pushy, forget about it!
(she drives away)

View Quote Lloyd: Excuse me, little old lady. Do you have change for a dollar?
Elderly woman: Change? No I'm sorry, I don't.
Lloyd: Well, can you do me a favor and watch my stuff here while I go break a dollar?
Elderly woman: Of course.
Lloyd: Thanks. Hey, I guess they're right. Senior citizens, although slow and dangerous behind the wheel, can still serve a purpose. I'll be right back. Don't you go dying on me!

View Quote Harry: I can't feel my hands anymore, Lloyd. T-th-they're numb!
Lloyd: Here, maybe you should wear these extra gloves... my hands are getting kinda sweaty!
Harry: Extra gloves? You've had...this pair...of extra gloves...this whole time?!?!
Lloyd: Yeah! We're in the Rockies!
Harry: I'm gonna kill you.
Lloyd: ...What?
Harry: I'm gonna KILL YOU!! I'M GONNA KILL YOU, LLOYD!
[Harry grabs Lloyd and starts strangling him]:
Lloyd: EEEK! HARRY! YOUR HANDS ARE FREEZING!

View Quote Lloyd: Funny. I expected the Rocky Mountains to be a little rockier than this.
Harry: I was thinking the same thing. That John Denver's full of shit, man.

View Quote Harry: I can't believe we drove around all day, and there's not a single job in this town. There is nothing, nada, zip!
Lloyd: Yeah! Unless you wanna work forty hours a week!

View Quote Lloyd: The first time I set eyes on Mary Swanson, I just got that old fashioned romantic feeling, where I'd do anything to bone her.
Harry: That's a special feeling, Lloyd.
Lloyd: Uh, what is the Soup Du Jour?
Waitress: It's the Soup of the Day.
Lloyd: Mmmm. That sounds good. I'll have that.
Harry: How was your day?
Lloyd: Not bad, fell off the jetway again.
Harry: So you got fired again?
Lloyd: Yeah, they always freak out when you leave the scene of an accident, ya know.
Harry: Yeah, I lost my job too.
Lloyd: Man, You are one pathetic loser. No offense.
Harry: No, none taken.
[after accidentally killing Mental with rat poison]
Harry:He blamed me...those were his last words. You heard him.
Lloyd: Not if you count the "gurgling" sound.
Lloyd: So, where ya headed?
Mary: Aspen
Lloyd: Mmm, California. Beautiful!
Lloyd: That's a lovely accent you have. New Jersey?"
Lady at bus stop: Austria.
Lloyd: Austria! Well, then. G'day mate! Let's put another shrimp on the barbie!
Lady at bus stop: Let's not.

View Quote Lloyd: The least you could do is level with me. What are my chances?
Mary: Not good.
Lloyd: You mean like one out of a hundred?
Mary: More like one out of a million.
Lloyd: So you're tellin' me there's a chance.

View Quote Harry: Where's the booze?
Lloyd: I got robbed by a sweet old lady on a motorized cart. I didn't even see it comin'!
[Harry starts to moan in despair.]
Lloyd: Oh, come on buddy, it's not that bad...come on, man...
Harry: It gets worse, Lloyd. Y'know my parakeet Petey?
Lloyd: Yeah?
Harry: He's dead.
Lloyd: Oh man...I'm sorry...what happened?
Harry: His head fell off.
Lloyd: His head fell off?
Harry: Yeah, he was pretty old.

View Quote Cop: Pull over!
Harry: NO, it's a cardigan, but thanks for noticing!
Lloyd: Yeah, killer boots, man!

View Quote You know what I'm sick and tired of, Harry? I'm sick and tired of having to eek my way through life. I'm sick and tired of being a nobody. (pause) But most of all, I'm sick and tired of having nobody.

View Quote Nick: Gentlemen, this is a $500 dollar a plate dinner. Good night.
(Harry puts cash in Nicks' pocket)
Harry: Okay, put us down for four.
Lloyd: In case we want seconds.

View Quote Joe: (sees a note on Harry and Lloyd's door) Those rat bas****. They're rubbin' it right in our faces.
Shay: Man! Andre'll have a goddamn hemorrage if we don't get that briefcase back!
Joe: They must've been followin' us for weeks.
Shay: Why ya say?
Joe: "Gas Man". How the hell do they know that I got gas?
Shay: They gotta be pros.
Joe: Don't worry. We're gonna get that money back. And I'll tell you somethin' else. They ain't never gettin' to Aspen. I'm gonna see to that!

View Quote Just when I think you couldn't possibly be any dumber, you go and do something like this...and totally redeem yourself!

View Quote Lloyd: I'm talkin' about a place where the beer flows like wine. Where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. I'm talkin' about a little place called Aspen.
Harry: Oh, I dunno, Lloyd, the French are assholes.