Harry quotes

Just when I think you couldn't possibly be any dumber, you go and do something like this...and totally redeem yourself!

Yeah I called her up, she gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something, I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.

[checking the map] So far, we've driven only 4 inches.

[leg is on fire while asking for Beth Jordan's phone number] FOR GOD'S SAKES, JUST GIMME THE DAMN NUMBER!!!!

We're almost in Colorado. What do you say we change seats? I've been driving for nine straight hours. I don't have the energy to start a new state.

Look at the fun-bags on that hose hound.

[to Mary] Nice set of hooters you got there.

You can't triple-stamp a double-stamp!

Harry: What's her last name? I'll look it up.
Lloyd: You know, I don't really recall. Starts with an S! Let's see. Swim? Swammi? Slippy? Slappy? Swenson? Swanson?
Harry: Maybe it's on the briefcase.
Lloyd: Oh, yeah! It's right here.
[He reads the manufacturer's name, which is Samsonite.]
Lloyd: Samsonite! I was way off! I knew it started with an S, though.

Nick: Gentlemen, this is a $500 dollar a plate dinner. Good night.
(Harry puts cash in Nicks' pocket)
Harry: Okay, put us down for four.
Lloyd: In case we want seconds.

Joe: (sees a note on Harry and Lloyd's door) Those rat bastards. They're rubbin' it right in our faces.
Shay: Man! Andre'll have a goddamn hemorrage if we don't get that briefcase back!
Joe: They must've been followin' us for weeks.
Shay: Why ya say?
Joe: "Gas Man". How the hell do they know that I got gas?
Shay: They gotta be pros.
Joe: Don't worry. We're gonna get that money back. And I'll tell you somethin' else. They ain't never gettin' to Aspen. I'm gonna see to that!

Lloyd: Excuse me, little old lady. Do you have change for a dollar?
Elderly woman: Change? No I'm sorry, I don't.
Lloyd: Well, can you do me a favor and watch my stuff here while I go break a dollar?
Elderly woman: Of course.
Lloyd: Thanks. Hey, I guess they're right. Senior citizens, although slow and dangerous behind the wheel, can still serve a purpose. I'll be right back. Don't you go dying on me!

Harry: Where's the booze?
Lloyd: I got robbed by a sweet old lady on a motorized cart. I didn't even see it comin'!
[Harry starts to moan in despair.]
Lloyd: Oh, come on buddy, it's not that bad...come on, man...
Harry: It gets worse, Lloyd. Y'know my parakeet Petey?
Lloyd: Yeah?
Harry: He's dead.
Lloyd: Oh man...I'm sorry...what happened?
Harry: His head fell off.
Lloyd: His head fell off?
Harry: Yeah, he was pretty old.

Harry: I can't feel my hands anymore, Lloyd. T-th-they're numb!
Lloyd: Here, maybe you should wear these extra gloves... my hands are getting kinda sweaty!
Harry: Extra gloves? You've had...this pair...of extra gloves...this whole time?!?!
Lloyd: Yeah! We're in the Rockies!
Harry: I'm gonna kill you.
Lloyd: ...What?
Harry: I'm gonna KILL YOU!! I'M GONNA KILL YOU, LLOYD!
[Harry grabs Lloyd and starts strangling him]:
Lloyd: EEEK! HARRY! YOUR HANDS ARE FREEZING!

Lloyd: I'm talkin' about a place where the beer flows like wine. Where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. I'm talkin' about a little place called Aspen.
Harry: Oh, I dunno, Lloyd, the French are assholes.

Lloyd: The least you could do is level with me. What are my chances?
Mary: Not good.
Lloyd: You mean like one out of a hundred?
Mary: More like one out of a million.
Lloyd: So you're tellin' me there's a chance.

Harry: I can't believe we drove around all day, and there's not a single job in this town. There is nothing, nada, zip!
Lloyd: Yeah! Unless you wanna work forty hours a week!

Lloyd: Funny. I expected the Rocky Mountains to be a little rockier than this.
Harry: I was thinking the same thing. That John Denver's full of shit, man.

Cop: Pull over!
Harry: NO, it's a cardigan, but thanks for noticing!
Lloyd: Yeah, killer boots, man!

Harry: Look at the buns on that.
Lloyd: Yeaaaah...he must work out.

Lloyd: The first time I set eyes on Mary Swanson, I just got that old fashioned romantic feeling, where I'd do anything to bone her.
Harry: That's a special feeling, Lloyd.
Lloyd: Uh, what is the Soup Du Jour?
Waitress: It's the Soup of the Day.
Lloyd: Mmmm. That sounds good. I'll have that.
Harry: How was your day?
Lloyd: Not bad, fell off the jetway again.
Harry: So you got fired again?
Lloyd: Yeah, they always freak out when you leave the scene of an accident, ya know.
Harry: Yeah, I lost my job too.
Lloyd: Man, You are one pathetic loser. No offense.
Harry: No, none taken.
[after accidentally killing Mental with rat poison]
Harry:He blamed me...those were his last words. You heard him.
Lloyd: Not if you count the "gurgling" sound.
Lloyd: So, where ya headed?
Mary: Aspen
Lloyd: Mmm, California. Beautiful!
Lloyd: That's a lovely accent you have. New Jersey?"
Lady at bus stop: Austria.
Lloyd: Austria! Well, then. G'day mate! Let's put another shrimp on the barbie!
Lady at bus stop: Let's not.

[singing]
Lloyd: Mock!
Harry: Yeah!
Lloyd: Ing!
Harry: Yeah!
Lloyd: Bird!
Harry: Yeah!
Head Detective: Did you get a make on the vehicle?
Detective: Yes, sir. They're driving an '84...sheep dog.
[spots a pair of skis on top of a woman's car]
Harry: Skis, huh?
Woman: That's right.
Harry: They yours?
Woman: ..Uh huh.
Harry: Both of them?
Woman: Yeah.
Harry: Cool!
Harry: That's a lot of luggage for a little vacation.
Beth: Oh, I'm moving to Aspen. I've gotta get away from my boyfriend. He's such a klutz! Plus, my astrologer told me that I really should stay away from accident-prone guys. So, you know.
Harry: Well, you know I--
[rests hand on Beth's car's side mirror, which breaks]
Harry: [hands mirror to her] Here. It's a little loose.
Lloyd: Isn't this incredible? What more could two single guys ask for?
Harry: How about some food?
Lloyd: I swallowed a big June Bug while we were driving. I'm not really hungry.
[reading newspaper]
Lloyd: Mary Swanson will... hossst... a new-ul...
Harry: "Host", "annual".
Lloyd: An..u..el
Harry: "Annual".
Lloyd: T...t...t-heh...t...
Harry: "The".
Lloyd: I mean, if one beautiful girl can rip us apart like this, then our friendship isn't worth a damn. Maybe we should call it quits right now.
Harry: You just tell me where to sign, bud.
Lloyd: Right on my ass right after ya kiss it!
Harry: Kiss it?! You kiss mine! Both cheeks, both lips! Right here! Mwah, Mwah, Mwah!!
Nicholas: Which one of you wants to get it first?
Lloyd: Over here. I was the one who got us into this whole mess. C'mon, shoot me.
Harry: No! Wait. Do me first. I stole your girl, Lloyd, I deserve it.
Lloyd: No, you don't.
Harry: Yes, I do.
Lloyd: No, you don't. No, you don't!
Harry: Yes, I do! Yesterday was one of the greatest days of my life! Mary and I went skiing, we made a snowman, she touched my leg.
Lloyd: (faking) Okay. Kill him!
Lloyd: What's going on, Harry? Your name is "Harry", isn't it?
Harry: Yeah, she grabbed down at the lobby, explained what was up, then they slapped this bullet proof vest on me and gave me a gun.
Harry: But what if he shot you in the face?
Harry: [to detective] What if he shot me in the face?
Beth: That's a risk we were willing to take.
[bus pulls up, a girl comes out]
Bikini contestant: Hey, guys. We're going on a national bikini tour and we're looking for two oil boys who can grease us up before each competition.
Harry: You are in luck...there's a town about three miles that way. I'm sure you'll find a couple guys there.
Bikini contestant: Okay..thanks..
[bus pulls away]
Lloyd: Do you realize what you've done?! Hey! Wait!
[bus stops, and opens doors for them]
Lloyd: Y-you'll have to excuse my friend. He's a little slow...the town is back that way!
Lloyd: [nudges Harry] You're it.
Harry: [nudges Lloyd] You're it.
Lloyd: [nudges Harry] You're it, quitsies!
Harry: Anti-quitsies. [nudges Lloyd] You're it! Quitsies, no anti-quitsies, no startsies!
Lloyd: You can't do that!
Harry: Can too!
Lloyd: Cannot, stamped it!
Harry: Can too, double stamped it, no erasies!
Lloyd: Cannot, triple stamped it, no erasies, touch blue make it true. [puts his hands over his ears and sings]
Harry: No! No! You can't triple stamp a double stamp! You can't triple stamp a double stamp, Lloyd! You can't triple stamp a double stamp! LLOYD! LLOYD! You c--
Joe: GUYS!!! ENOUGH!!
Beth: The number's 555-...
Harry: (quietly and rapidly) 555-...
Beth: 905-- Wait a minute, that's my old number. (laughs) That is so weird how your mind just goes blank!
Harry: (screams while his left leg is on fire) FOR GOD'S SAKES, JUST GIMME THE DAMN NUMBER!!!
Beth: Okay, look. Uh, you're gonna get pushy, forget about it!
(she drives away)

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