Caddyshack quotes

View Quote Golfer: Nice shot, Bishop. You must have made a deal with the devil!
Bishop: You know, theoretically, I could break the Club record.
Golfer: You better come in until this blows over.
Bishop: So what do you think?
Carl: I'd keep playing. I don't think the heavy stuff will come down for a while.
Bishop: You're right. Anyway, the good Lord would never disrupt the best game of my life.
[Bishop continues to golf in the rain, hitting amazing shot after amazing shot, with Carl admiring him the entire time. On the last hole, he misses a long putt.]
Bishop: OH RAT FARTS!!!!!
[Bishop is struck by lightning.]

View Quote What an incredible Cinderella story! This unknown, comes out of nowhere, to lead the pack...at Augusta. He's at his final hole. He's about 455 yards away, he's gonna hit about a 2 Iron I think. [Swings, pulverizes a flower] Oh, he got all of that. The crowd is standing on its feet here at Augusta. The normally reserved crowd is going wild... [pauses] for this young Cinderella who's come out of nowhere. He's got about 350 yards left, he's going to hit about a 5 iron it looks like, don't you think? He's got a beautiful backswing... [Swings, pulverizes another flower] That's- Oh, he got all of that one! He's gotta be pleased with that! The crowd is just on its feet here. He's a Cinderella boy. Tears in his eyes, I guess, as he lines up this last shot. He's got about 195 yards left, and he's got a, looks like he's got about an 8 iron. This crowd has gone deadly silent... Cinderella story, out of nowhere, former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters Champion. [Swings, pulverizes yet another flower] It looks like a mirac- It's in the hole! It's in the hole!

View Quote Carl: I invented my own kind of grass, too. Did you know that? Look at this. This is registered: Carl Spackler's Bent.
Ty: I've felt grass like this before. I've played on this stuff.
Carl: This is a hybrid. This is a cross bluegrass, Kentucky bluegrass, featherbed bent, and northern California sinsemilla. The amazing stuff about this is that you can play 36 holes on it in the afternoon take it home and just get stoned to the bejeezus-belt at night on this stuff. I've got pounds of this stuff. [hands his joint] Here, take a puff on this big ole' Bob Marley joint.
Ty: Oh, I couldn't possibly, well maybe one.
[Starts coughing uncontrollably]
Carl: It's a little harsh...Here. [hands him bottle of wine] Cannonball it, Cannonball! Cannonball comin' through, Cannonball!

View Quote Danny: I've just got to win that caddy tournament! I owe it to my folks to get that scholarship.
Ty: Why do you want to go to college?
Danny: I don't know.
Ty: Let me tell you a story. I once knew a guy who could've been a great golfer. Could've gone pro. All he needed was a little time and some practice. He decided to go to college instead. He went for four years. Did pretty well. At the end of his four years, his last semester, he was kicked out. You know what for? He was night-putting. Just putting at night...with the 15-year-old daughter of the Dean. You know who that guy was?
Danny: No.
Ty: Take one good guess.
Danny: Bob Hope.
Ty: No, that guy was Mitch ****stein, my roommate. He's a good guy. Don't be obsessed with your desires, Danny. The Zen philosopher Basho once wrote: 'A flute with no holes, is not a flute. And a donut with no hole, is a danish'. Funny guy.

View Quote Carl: But, seriously, no b.s...if you ever want to rap or just get weird with somebody...You know...buddies.
Ty: I'll drop by. You drop by my place any time.
Carl: What's your address? You're on Briar, right?
Ty: Briar, yeah. Number 2.
Carl: Do you have a pool?
Ty: A pool and a pond. A pond would be good for you. Natural spring water.
Carl: Anything would be good.

View Quote Ty: What brings you to this nape of the woods...neck of the wape? How come you're here?
Lacey: Daddy wanted to broaden me.
Ty: In this place? Good luck!
Lacey: What do you do for excitement?
Ty: Oh, I...play a lot of golf.
Lacey: Golf? Nixon plays golf. I bet you have a lot of interesting stories about your ball landing in the rough.
Ty: So what do you do?
Lacey: I enjoy...skinny-skiing...going to bullfights on acid. I'll bet you've got a lot of nice ties.
Ty: How do you mean?
Lacey: Would you like to tie me up with some of your ties, Ty?
Ty: I've got a good idea. Let's pretend...we're really human beings.

View Quote Carl: So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas.
Angie: A looper?
Carl: A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one -- big hitter, the Lama -- long, into a ten-thousand foot crevice, right at the base of this glacier. And do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga...gunga -- gunga lagunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.

View Quote [to Ty, about Judge Smails] If he bothers you, I'll take care of him. What you've got to do is cut the hamstring on the back of his leg right at the bottom. He'll never play golf again, because his weight displacement goes back, all his weight is on his right foot, and he'll push everything off to the right. He'll never come through on anything. He'll quit the game.

View Quote I have a little poem I'd like to read in honor of this occasion, if I may. Spaulding, get your foot off the boat! :"It's easy to grin / When your ship comes in / And you've got the stock market beat. / But the man worthwhile, / Is the man who can smile, / When his shorts are too tight in the seat"... Ah ha ha ha. OK Pookie, do the honors.

View Quote Maggie: I know why you came here tonight.
Danny: Why?
Maggie: That girl. Listen, I'd put that idea right out of your mind. She's been plucked more times than the Rose of Tralee. Biggest whore on Fifth Avenue, I'm told!
Danny: Oh ho ...

View Quote Czervik: What're we, waiting for these guys? Hey Whitey, where's your hat? Let's go! While we're young!
Judge Smails: Do you mind, sir. I'm trying to tee off.
Czervik: I'll bet you a hundred bucks you slice it into the woods.
Judge Smails: Gambling is illegal at Bushwood sir, and I NEVER SLICE!
[Swings club, slices ball into woods]
Judge Smails: DAMN!
Czervik: OK, you can owe me.
Judge Smails: I owe you nothing.

View Quote Ty: You've got to win this hole.
Danny: I thought winning wasn't important.
Ty: Me winning isn't! You do!
Danny: Great grammar.
Ty: See your future. Be...your future. Make...make it! Make your future. I'm a veg, Danny.

View Quote Tony: Another Rob Roy, Bishop?
Bishop: You never ask a navy man if he'll have another drink because it's nobody's goddamn business how many drinks he's had already, right?
Judge Smails: Wrong! You're drinking too much, Your Excellency.
Bishop: "Excellency," fiddlesticks! My name is Fred and I'm just a man, same as you are.
Judge Smails: You're not a man. You're a bishop, for God's sake!
Bishop: There is no God!

View Quote Judge Smails: You have worn out your welcome, sir!
Czervik: Is that so? Who made you Pope of this dump?
Judge Smails: Bushwood...a "dump"? Well, I'll guarantee you'll never be a member here!
Czervik: Are you kidding? You think I'd join this crummy "snobatorium"? Why, this whole place sucks!
Judge Smails: Su-su-su-...
Czervik: That's right. It sucks! The only reason I'm here is maybe I'll buy it!
Judge Smails: B-b-Buy Bushwood! You...?

View Quote Danny: Judge Smails, sir?
Judge Smails: Sit down, Danny. I think you know why you're here. So I'll do us the courtesy of not reviewing what happened yesterday. My niece is the kind of girl that has a certain zest for living. The last thing any of us needs now is a lot of loose talk about her behavior.
Danny: I swear I didn't tell anybody anything, sir.
Judge Smails: Good. Good. You know, despite what happened I'm still convinced that you have many fine qualities. I think you can still become a gentleman someday if you understand and abide by the rules of decent society. There's a lot of...well, badness in the world today. I see it in court every day. I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. I didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them. The most important decision you can make right now is what you stand for. Goodness...or badness.
Danny: I've made some mistakes in the past. I'm willing to make up for that. I want to be good!
Judge Smails: Very good! I know how hard it is for young people today and I want to help. Just ask my grandson, Spaulding. He and I are regular pals. Are you my pal......"Mr. Scholarship Winner"?
Danny: Yes, sir! I'm your pal!
Judge Smails: How about a Fresca?