Caddyshack

Caddyshack quotes

107 total quotes (ID: 110)

Al Czervik
Carl Spackler
Judge Smails
Multiple Characters
Spaulding Smails
Ty Webb


I have a little poem I'd like to read in honor of this occasion, if I may. Spaulding, get your foot off the boat! :"It's easy to grin / When your ship comes in / And you've got the stock market beat. / But the man worthwhile, / Is the man who can smile, / When his shorts are too tight in the seat"... Ah ha ha ha. OK Pookie, do the honors.


Lacey: I tried calling, but there is no listing for "Mr. Wonderful."
Ty: What spelling did you use? Sorry about this mess. Let me just clean up here. I'm getting ready for the season.
Lacey: Duck?
Ty: No, no. Dolphin. Would you like a drink? Tuna Colada, perhaps?
Lacey: Anything. Who's your decorator, Benihana?
Ty: No, I brought most of that stuff back from Vietnam.
Lacey: You were in the war?
Ty: Uh...no....Homo. Much better now though.

Danny: Judge Smails, sir?
Judge Smails: Sit down, Danny. I think you know why you're here. So I'll do us the courtesy of not reviewing what happened yesterday. My niece is the kind of girl that has a certain zest for living. The last thing any of us needs now is a lot of loose talk about her behavior.
Danny: I swear I didn't tell anybody anything, sir.
Judge Smails: Good. Good. You know, despite what happened I'm still convinced that you have many fine qualities. I think you can still become a gentleman someday if you understand and abide by the rules of decent society. There's a lot of...well, badness in the world today. I see it in court every day. I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. I didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them. The most important decision you can make right now is what you stand for. Goodness...or badness.
Danny: I've made some mistakes in the past. I'm willing to make up for that. I want to be good!
Judge Smails: Very good! I know how hard it is for young people today and I want to help. Just ask my grandson, Spaulding. He and I are regular pals. Are you my pal......"Mr. Scholarship Winner"?
Danny: Yes, sir! I'm your pal!
Judge Smails: How about a Fresca?

"Great big gobs of greasy, grimy gopher guts." How about a nice, cool drink, varmints? Scum! Slime! Menace to the golfing industry! You're a disgrace. You're varmints. You're one of the lowest members of the food chain and you'll probably be replaced by the rat. Well, I have been pushed. It's about time somebody teaches these varmints a little lesson about morality and about what it's like to be a decent, upstanding member of a society! Come to Carl, varmint. -- I guess we're playing for keeps now. I guess the kidding around is pretty much over. I guess it's just a matter of pumping about five thousand gallons of water down there to teach you a little bit of a lesson. Is that it? I think it is!

Hello? Anybody home? Hello, Mr. Gopher! It's me, Mr. Squirrel. Just a harmless squirrel. Not a plastic explosive or anything. Nothing to be worried about. I'm just here to make your last hours on earth as peaceful as possible. Don't mind this. This is doctor's orders. You don't mind if I just pop in there for a few laughs? That's right. Or in the words of Jean-Paul Sartre: "Au revoir, gopher." This is going to be sweet.

Carl: So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas.
Angie: A looper?
Carl: A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one -- big hitter, the Lama -- long, into a ten-thousand foot crevice, right at the base of this glacier. And do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga...gunga -- gunga lagunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.

Dr. Beeper: We're about to tee off now so call the hospital and move my appointment with Mrs. Bellows back 90 minutes...Just snake a tube down her nose and I'll be there...in four or five hours.

Danny: Did you take the Cooter Preference Test when you were a senior in high school?
Ty: Yes, I took it. They said I should be a fire-watcher. What are you supposed to be?
Danny: An underachiever.

Bishop: I'll tell you, son. My main satisfaction is working with young people like yourself at our new Youtheran Center. Why don't you drop by some time?
Danny: I've often thought of entering the priesthood.
Bishop: Oh, are you, uh, Roman-Catholic?
[Danny Nods]
Bishop: I'm sorry, but I'm afraid you can't come.
Lacey: Go for it.
Motormouth: You know, I've often thought about becoming a golf club.

Country clubs and cemeteries are the biggest wasters of prime real estate! Dead people? They don't need to be buried nowadays. Ecology, right? Ask Wang. He'll tell you. We just bought property behind the Great Wall. On the good side!

Oh, Porterhouse! Look at the wax build-up on those shoes! This is fine leather! I want that wax stripped off! I want them creamed and buffed with a fine chamois. And I want them now! Chop chop!

Ty: You've got to win this hole.
Danny: I thought winning wasn't important.
Ty: Me winning isn't! You do!
Danny: Great grammar.
Ty: See your future. Be...your future. Make...make it! Make your future. I'm a veg, Danny.

Oh Mrs. Crane, you wore green so you could hide from me. You're a little monkey woman. You're lean and you're mean and you're not too far between, either, I bet, are ya, huh? How'd you like to wrap your spikes around my head?

Moose...Rocco..Help the judge find his checkbook!

Czervik: You guys are brothers?
Tony: Yeah.
Czervik: Is this a family business, or what? They say for ltalians this is skilled labor, you know that?
Tony: No, actually, I'm a rich millionaire. My doctor told me to get out and carry golf bags a couple of times a week.
Czervik: You're a funny kid. What time are you due back in Boys Town?