(after worker faints from the heat) Dock that chink a day's pay for nappin' on the job.

(holding his gun to his head) Nobody moves or the nigger gets it!

(taunting Klansmen) Hey, where all da white women at?

(when confronted with a toll booth) ... "Le Petomane Through Way"? Now what'll that asshole think of next? Has anybody got a dime? (cowboys grumble) Somebody's gotta go back and get a shitload of dimes!

(writing telegram) Send a wire to the main office... tell them you said "ow". Gotcha.

Lily: (with Bart in the dark) Is it twue what they say about your people being... gifted? (loud unzipping noise) Oh it's TWUE! It's twue, it's twue!

Lily: Hello handsome. Is that a ten-gallon hat or are you just enjoying the show?

Lily: Ooh, a wed wose. How...womantic.

Mexican Outlaw: Badges? We don't need no stinkin badges!

Mongo: (about to open an exploding candy-gram) Mongo like candy.

Mongo: Don't know. Got to do with where choo-choo go...

Mongo: Mongo only pawn in game of life.

Olson Johnson: All right, we'll give some land to the niggers and the chinks, but we don't want the IRISH.

Bart: Are we awake?
The Waco Kid: We are not sure. Are we...black?
Bart: Yes we are.
The Waco Kid: Then we're awake. But we're very puzzled.

Bart: Excuse me while I whip this out...
[People cringe back and a woman screams - he pulls out a letter - people sigh, almost sounding disappointed]
Bart (continuing): By the power invested in me by the honorable William J. Le Petomane--
[People start cocking guns and pointing them at Bart]
Bart (continuing): I hereby assume the duties of sheriff in and for the township of Rockridge.
Reverend: Gentlemen, gentlemen, let's not let anger rule the day! (waving Bible) As your spiritual leader, I implore you to pay heed to this good book and what it has to saaaayyy!
[A hole is shot through the Bible; the Reverend turns to Bart]
Reverend: Son, you're on your own. (exit Reverend)