Eddie: Let's get the hell outta here, Snake. I think I hear one of them silent alarms.

Bruce: I hope you realize you've just committed assault.
Henry Desalvo: I know, I know. Time was, you actually had to hit somebody.

Matt Arnold: Uh, Jenny's mom opened the door, and I came running up to squirt her. And then, uh, Mrs. Herk jumped me... or jumped ON me. And, uh, and then I went down on Jenny... or I f-fell on Jenny.

Snake: [to the Russians] If you assholes try to call the cops after we leave, the next bullet goes through your head.

Puggy: [Opening the movie] My name is Puggy and I live in a tree. I hope I didn't ruin anything for you.

Arthur Herk: [to Eliot] Now you and your shithead kid can get the hell out of here, and never come back.
Eliot Arnold: Thanks for everything.

Alan Seitz: What makes you think this is the first time?
Pat Greer: Never mind which time this is. The important thing is we got those assholes trapped at the airport, and until we say further, no plane is taking off.
Officer Monica Romero: You can do that?

Special Agent Alan Seitz, FBI: [Discussing a top-secret nuclear weapons decommissioning facility in Russia]: They have beautiful churches there. [The others look at him] Travel Channel.

Arthur Herk: [making an opinion on who might have shot his TV] I'll tell you who did it. It's probably some goddamn kids. 'Cause these goddamn kids today, they all got goddamn guns, and they're all sniffing glue!
Officer Monica Romero: Any additional insights, Mr. Herk? Any information can help us to protect you.
Arthur Herk: I seriously doubt that you or any other member of the police force in this town could protect their own dicks with both hands.
Officer Monica Romero: Thank you for that observation.

Arthur Herk: Make her stop! God in heaven! Make her stop! She wants my soul!!!
Martha Stewart: Arugula! Arugula! Arrrrrrrrugula!

Special Agent Pat Greer, FBI: Oh, sure, your name is John, and you're just a hard-working, law-abiding citizen running a shithole bar where you got... no customers.

Alan Seitz: Oh, don't worry, Ivan. It's just your foot. See, this is what we at the bureau call an extremity shot. Generally, the victim survives. They don't do so well with what we call a torso shot.
Pat Greer: So what do you think, Ivan? Would you like to experience a torso shot?

Leonard: If I don't shoot someone soon, I'm gonna forget how.

Arthur Herk: This is my goddamn house!
Officer Monica Romero: Yes, and these are my handcuffs, and if you don't cooperate, you'll be wearing my handcuffs in your goddamn house!

Snake: [to Puggy] Next time I see you again, you're dead.