Eddie: Let's get the hell outta here, Snake. I think I hear one of them silent alarms.

Leonard: If I don't shoot someone soon, I'm gonna forget how.

Special Agent Pat Greer, FBI: Oh, sure, your name is John, and you're just a hard-working, law-abiding citizen running a shithole bar where you got... no customers.

Special Agent Alan Seitz, FBI: [Discussing a top-secret nuclear weapons decommissioning facility in Russia]: They have beautiful churches there. [The others look at him] Travel Channel.

Snake: [to the Russians] If you assholes try to call the cops after we leave, the next bullet goes through your head.

Puggy: [Opening the movie] My name is Puggy and I live in a tree. I hope I didn't ruin anything for you.

Snake: [to Puggy] Next time I see you again, you're dead.

Matt Arnold: Uh, Jenny's mom opened the door, and I came running up to squirt her. And then, uh, Mrs. Herk jumped me... or jumped ON me. And, uh, and then I went down on Jenny... or I f-fell on Jenny.

Eliot Arnold: Do you think someone's trying to kill your husband?
Anna Herk: God, I hope so!

[about the Gator radioshow] Leonard: What the hell are 'gators'?
Henry Desalvo: Football. Collage.
Leonard: Morons

Geo Salesman: Sweet little vehicle. Just get divorced? Ah, it doesn't matter. Forty-two miles to the gallon, AM/FM radio. I'll even throw in the undercoating. Anything else you'd like to know?
Matt Arnold: Yeah. How many clowns can it hold?

[As Snake, Eddie and the kidnapped Jenny arrive at the aiport]
Eddie: Okay, we gotta pick a road. Arrivals or departures? We're arriving, but then we're departing. Which one, Snake?
Snake: What do you think?
Jenny Herk: I think you guys should turn yourselves in and plead not guilty by reason of stupidity.
Snake: [looks at the signs] Departures.

Alan Seitz: Oh, don't worry, Ivan. It's just your foot. See, this is what we at the bureau call an extremity shot. Generally, the victim survives. They don't do so well with what we call a torso shot.
Pat Greer: So what do you think, Ivan? Would you like to experience a torso shot?

Henry Desalvo: We have a die-hard situation developing in the kitchen.
Leonard: What's happening?
Henry Desalvo: Well, either he's going to whack 'em with a rolling pin or bake him a cake. I don't know. Could go either way with this crew.

Bruce: I hope you realize you've just committed assault.
Henry Desalvo: I know, I know. Time was, you actually had to hit somebody.

Officer Monica Romero: You're making a big mistake.
Snake: Story of my life.

Pat Greer: Doesn't that just warm the cockles of your heart?
Alan Seitz: Warms the shit out of my cockles.

Arthur Herk: This is my goddamn house!
Officer Monica Romero: Yes, and these are my handcuffs, and if you don't cooperate, you'll be wearing my handcuffs in your goddamn house!

[Getting into the hi-jacked police car]
Snake: Let's go.
Eddie: I ain't never driven one of these before.
Snake: It ain't a spaceship, asshole. Drive.

Snake: [remarking on his gun] Remember. I'm gonna have this thing pointed right at you. So, don't do something stupid.
Jenny Herk: How would you even know if I did something stupid?
Snake: I'll just know. Believe me, I can tell the difference.

Snake: If you don't do like I say, you know what's gonna happen to you, right?
Puggy: You're gonna shoot me?
Snake: You got that right.

[At the Airport Security Walk-through]
Airport Security Checker: What is this?
Snake: A garbage disposal.
Airport Security Checker: A garbage disposal?
Snake: Portable.
Airport Security Checker: You'll have to turn it on.
Snake: It's got a timer.
[turns the switches of the bomb on]
Snake: Grounds up your garbage, while you're out.

[In the airplane]
Snake: How about we go now?
Airplane Captain Justin Hobart: Sir, we have to finish the preflight checklist. It's for your safety, sir.
Snake: [points to his gun in his hand] I got my safety right here, asshole.

Officer Walter Kramitz: Are you going to help me, or are you just gonna be a big, fat, stupid asshole?
Sour Airport Security Chief: Strip search.

[Officer Monica Romero and Agent Greer are in his car, arguing about Russian bombs and missiles]
Officer Monica Romero: Where did they get that stuff?
Pat Greer: Russia.
Officer Monica Romero: Don't the Russians have controls on that kind of thing?
Pat Greer: You'd faint if you knew. A few months ago, somebody got a warhead out of a missile-dismantlement facility in a place called -...
Alan Seitz: Sergijev Posad. Not far from Moscow. Beautiful churches there.
Pat Greer: Anyway, somebody who knew what they were doing modified it. Dumped it on some guys who run a place here called The Jolly Jackal.
Officer Monica Romero: The bar?
Pat Greer: That bar has more AK-47s than Budweiser.

Alan Seitz: What makes you think this is the first time?
Pat Greer: Never mind which time this is. The important thing is we got those assholes trapped at the airport, and until we say further, no plane is taking off.
Officer Monica Romero: You can do that?

Eliot Arnold: I hope you're not gonna give me a ticket for this.
Officer Walter Kramitz: If I don't see them, I don't write them.

Eliot Arnold: Strip poker. Strip poker. Now, that's a good game.
[Grabs a squirt gun away from Matt]
Eliot Arnold: This is a stupid game.
Matt Arnold: Dad, no offense, but only a moron would mistake that for a real gun.
Eliot Arnold: You could've been killed. And where's your partner in crime?
Matt Arnold: Andrew?
Jenny Herk: He ran the other way.
Eliot Arnold: Did anybody call the police?

Airport Officer Arch Ridley: [Agent Greer just pushed him up against a support wall] Name's Arch Ridley. Tell me what you need. Please don't kill me.
Pat Greer: We're tracking a couple of scumbags, with one, maybe two hostages and a big metal suitcase. Anybody in this crackerjack system of yours see anything like that?

Arthur Herk: [making an opinion on who might have shot his TV] I'll tell you who did it. It's probably some goddamn kids. 'Cause these goddamn kids today, they all got goddamn guns, and they're all sniffing glue!
Officer Monica Romero: Any additional insights, Mr. Herk? Any information can help us to protect you.
Arthur Herk: I seriously doubt that you or any other member of the police force in this town could protect their own dicks with both hands.
Officer Monica Romero: Thank you for that observation.

Officer Monica Romero: I'm not gonna arrest you, Matt, unless Mrs. Herk wants to press charges.
Anna Herk: Hey, kids.
Arthur Herk: I want to press charges! Cuff him!
Officer Monica Romero: My hands are kind of full right now, what with holding my dick and all.

Arthur Herk: [to Eliot] Now you and your shithead kid can get the hell out of here, and never come back.
Eliot Arnold: Thanks for everything.

[In the Jolly Jackal Russian's bar; Leo is holding a baseball bat]
Leonard: Out!
Snake: [about Puggy] He broke my ankle!
Leonard: I break your head!

John: You can stay.
Puggy: [about the muggers] They took all my money.
John: It's okay. Free beer.

Eliot Arnold: [As Snake clings onto a set of stairs] Let go of the suitcase!
Snake: The Kingpin will never let go of the Kingpin's suitcase! [Opens fire on him]
Eliot Arnold: [Grabs an emergency lever] Have it your way [pulls the lever disconecting the stairs from the plane]

[Henry and Leonard are stuck in the middle of a big traffic jam, just right before the Airport Road]
Henry Desalvo: We're gonna miss our flight.
Leonard: You see what the problem is?
Henry Desalvo: I don't know. There's some kind of commotion up there. There might be something about it on the radio.
[He turns on the radio - only to find the two same people arguing on the same phone-in show before turning off the radio in annoyance. After a moment in silence, a goat walks past the car; the two men pause for a moment in stunned silence]
Henry Desalvo: [Disbelieving] Was that a goat?
Leonard: Let's get the hell outta here.

Leonard: Look at this thing. He's the size of a Buick.
Henry Desalvo: She.
Leonard: She what?
Henry Desalvo: The mosquito is a she.
Leonard: How the hell can you tell that?
Henry Desalvo: Discovery Channel. Only the female mosquito sucks your blood.
Leonard: Sounds like my ex-wife. "Bitch."

Jenny Herk: You [Andrew], don't look at my ass when I walk away.
Andrew: I can't make that promise.
[scoffs and leaves]
Andrew: Whoa. "You can squirt me tonight down at Bayside." You're gonna remember that line when you're an old dude, dude.
Matt Arnold: Are you looking at her ass?
Andrew: Yeah.

Henry Desalvo: [back at his table] You go tell your employer it's gonna cost him another 10 G's apiece.
His Boss: Okay. But we want this finished as soon as possible.
Henry Desalvo: Well, believe me, we don't want to spend anymore time in this garden spot than we have to.
Leonard: Got that right.

[Matt and Andrew are getting prepared for a big water gun war at their friend, Jenny, in her home]
Andrew: So, what's the plan? Through the front?
Matt Arnold: [sarcastically] Yeah. "It's Matt Arnold. I'm here to kill your daughter, Jenny." No, we gotta go over the wall, dickweed. I just she doesn't see this stupid turdmobile.

[Ivan has just beat Snake and Eddie with a baseball bat]
Puggy: Aluminum?
Ivan: We sponsor a girl's softball team.

Henry Desalvo: There was another shooter.
Voice on Payphone: What do you mean?
Henry Desalvo: What do I mean? What do you mean "what do I mean". I mean there was another shooter is what I mean.
[a bunch of mean looking gangstas approach him.] Henry Desalvo: Ah, hang on.
[Henry pretends to drop an item only to reach for his ankle holstered gun.] Henry Desalvo: [While aiming at the gangstas] Not right now, okay.
Gang Leader: It's cool, bro.

{Having been sprayed by a hallucinogenic toad, Arthur is hallucinating that his dog possesses the head of Martha Stewart]
Arthur Herk: Oh, my God! She's coming to get me!
Pat Greer: The dog, sir?
Arthur Herk: No, not that! Her!
Pat Greer: Who?
Arthur Herk: You know! Her!
Martha Stewart: Herk, Herk, Herk! Herk!
Arthur Herk: Oh, my God, she knows my name... She knows everything! She's come to take my soul!
Pat Greer: Mr. Herk, this is important...
Arthur Herk: Please don't let her take my soul!
[Arthur begins sobbing and moaning incoherently]
Pat Greer: What the hell's he talking about?
Officer Monica Romero: I don't know.
Alan Seitz: How close did he get to that toad?
Officer Monica Romero: Like face first.
Alan Seitz: Beufotin. Hell of a hallucination. He's gone and he's not coming back.
Martha Stewart: growls
Alan Seitz: Discovery Channel.

Arthur Herk: Make her stop! God in heaven! Make her stop! She wants my soul!!!
Martha Stewart: Arugula! Arugula! Arrrrrrrrugula!

Snake: We need four tickets to the Bahamas, one-way, next flight you got.
Fly by Air Ticket Agent: Nassau or Freeport?
Snake: The Bahamas.
Fly by Air Ticket Agent: Nassau and Freeport are in the Bahamas.
Snake: [confused] Whichever's next.

[While approaching the annoying cigar smokers.]
Henry Desalvo: Excuse me would you mind putting out your cigars?
Bruce: Come again.
Henry Desalvo: I said would you mind putting out your cigars, please?
Bruce: Actually I would mind.
Henry Desalvo: Well you see the reason I asked is because I got a thick New York strip over there and it tastes like I'm eating a cigar.
Bruce: Well first of all Ace: You're eating a steak in a seafood restaraunt. And secondly there is no law that says we can't smoke.
Henry Desalvo: Well first of all: My name is not Ace and second of all: I am not asking you as a courtesy, it's just good manners. Now there is no law that says I can't come over here and fart on your entree, but I don't. Why? Because it isn't good manners. Now I will ask you again in the nicest way to please put out your cigars.
[Bruce blows smoke in henry's face and laughs with his friends. Henry snaps Bruce's fingers and puts out his cigar and everyone does the same.] Henry Desalvo: Thank you.
Bruce: I hope you realize you just committed assault.
Henry Desalvo: I know, I know. I remember time was you actually had to hit somebody.