Gerry Fleck: [On why he can't dance] I can't dance, I can't dance, I've got two left feet!
Cookie Fleck: I thought he was kidding.
Gerry Fleck: But I wasn't. I was born with two left feet.

Gerry Fleck: [talking about Scott's leather trousers] Do you appreciate the amount of work that went into this?
Scott Donlan: I ought to, I did it myself. I did it, I did it myself. I bored him to death, talked about it non-stop.
Stefan Vanderhoof: Well that is six months, six months working with leather and red thread. How much fun was he to be with?

Gerry Fleck: She had dozens of boyfriends.
Cookie Fleck': Hundreds.
Gerry Fleck: Hundreds?
Cookie Fleck: Yeah, hundreds.
Gerry Fleck: Well, I did not know that.

Hamilton Swan: Honey, I'm thinking of switching to the mock turtleneck?
Meg Swan: Is that not breathing?
Hamilton Swan: Well, it's breathing now, but it'll be hot down there. I could go with the lambswool, but then again, you'll see a lot of khaki down there and this merlot looks good with the gray.

Hotel Manager: We have you down for a queen.
Scott Donlan: What are you suggesting... my dear man?

Stefan Vanderhoof: [at the butcher] Now, Tyrone would like some of those beef kidneys so we'll have a half pound of those.
Scott Donlan: No, not the kidneys, it's the membranes, I don't wanna have to pull those things off.
Stefan Vanderhoof: [rolls eyes] I'll take care of the membranes.
Scott Donlan: [to the butcher] I mean, Randy, you could pull the membrane off.
Stefan Vanderhoof: Will you stop it? So, we'll have a half pound of the kidneys, a half pound of the salmon.
Scott Donlan: And do me a favor, will you? Just get out of those meat sticks; I just wanna hold it.

Stefan Vanderhoof: [talking about the first time he saw Scott showing a dog] They had the same prance, the same rhythm, it was like they were two members of the same body.
Scott Donlan: I knew a guy who had two members on the same body, dated him for about a half hour, got so exhausted. I'm sorry, go on, you were telling a story?

[after the hotel manager suggests going to the pet store to get a new toy for Beatrice] What are you a wizard? A genius? Why didn't you tell me that before?

[trying to coerce his son to get down from jumping off the roof] I'll gouge your right eye out with my thumb, I shit you not, you little freak! Now, will you get down here? I'm gonna punch you in the eye till it turns to jelly! I'll stab you with forks till you bleed, how bout that?

[Yelling at the hotel maid] I know a man who has a van and he will take you back to wherever you came from!

And to think that in some countries these dogs are eaten.

Doctor, question that's always bothered me and a lot of people: Mayflower, combined with Philadelphia - a no-brainer, right? Cause this is where the Mayflower landed. Not so. It turns out Columbus actually set foot somewhere down in the West Indies. Little known fact. How does the name "Mayflower" get up to the Quaker City?

Excuse me if this off the subject a little bit, but just take a guess at how much I can bench press. Come on, what do you think? Take a guess. 315 pounds, maxing out at 400!

I didn't ask for your opinion. I asked for a toy that you don't have!

I don't think I could ever get used to being poked and prodded. I told my proctologist one time, "Why don't you take me out to dinner and a movie sometime?"