Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me

Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me quotes

52 total quotes (ID: 51)

Austin Powers
Deleted Scenes
Doctor Evil
Fat Bastard


Johnson: [Noticing Dr. Evil's spaceship on radar] Colonel, you better have a look at this radar.
Colonel: What is it, son?
Johnson: I don't know, sir, but it looks like a giant--
Jet Pilot: Dick.
Dick: Yeah?
Jet Pilot: Take a look out of starboard.
Dick: Oh my God, it looks like a huge--
Bird-Watching Woman: Pecker.
Bird-Watching Man: [raising binoculars] Ooh, Where?
Bird-Watching Woman: Wait, that's not a woodpecker, it looks like someone's--
Army Sergeant: Privates! We have reports of an unidentified flying object. It has a long, smooth shaft, complete with--
Baseball Umpire: Two balls.
[looking up from game]
Baseball Umpire: What is that. It looks just like an enormous--
Chinese Teacher: Wang, pay attention!
Wang: I was distracted by that giant flying--
Musician: Willie.
Willie Nelson: Yeah?
Musician: What's that?
Willie Nelson: [squints] Well, that looks like a giant--
Colonel: Johnson?!
Johnson: Yes, sir?
Colonel: Get on the horn to British Intelligence and let them know about this.
Later, as Dr. Evil is escaping: Basil: Did we get Dr. Evil?
Johnson: No, sir. He got away in that rocket that looks like a huge--
Schoolteacher: Penis. The male reproductive organ. Otherwise known as tallywhacker, schlong or--
Dad: Weiner? Any of you kids want another weiner?
Son: Dad? What's that? points at rocket
Dad: I don't know, son, but it's got great big--
Peanut seller: Nuts! Hot salty nuts! Who wants some-- Lord Almighty!
Woman: That looks just like my husband's--
Ringmaster: One-eyed monster! Step right up and see the One-Eyed Monster!
One-eyed Monster: jumps out and scares crowd, then points to the rocket Hey, what's that? It looks like a big--
female Fan: Woody! Woody Harrelson? Can I have an autograph?
Woody Harrelson: Sure thing. [Sees rocket] Oh my lord.
Female fan: It's big!
Woody: Nah, I've seen bigger, it's--
Dr. Evil: (To Mini-Me) Just a little prick. It's a flu shot. You've been in the coldness of space.


Number Two: Why not use your knowledge of the future to play the stock market? We could make trillions.
Dr. Evil: (smug laugh to himself) Why make trillions when we could make... (zoom up, play evil sound bite, and pause) Billions? (he happily grins)
Scott: A trillion is more than a billion, numb-nuts.
Dr. Evil: All right, zip it.
Scott: You- you can't even--
Dr. Evil: Zip it! Zi-i-ip.
Scott: Look, all I'm-
Dr. Evil: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, ex-zip-it A.
Scott: Number Two, would you please back me-
Dr. Evil: Look! I'm "Zippy" Longstocking!
Scott: Argh, I can't--
Dr. Evil: (to Devo's "Whip It") When a problem comes along, you must zip it! (imitates whip) Zip it good!
Scott: Frau, would you please-
Dr. Evil: (speaks faux Japanese)... Subtitle: "Zip it".
Scott: I'm just trying to-
Dr. Evil: Zip! Would you like to have a suckle of my "zipple"?
Scott: I want--
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott: Stop.
Dr. Evil: (speaking gibberish)
Scott: All you--
Dr. Evil: (speaking gibberish)
Scott: You--
Dr. Evil: (speaking gibberish)
Scott: You're like a child!
Dr. Evil: (speaking gibberish)
Scott: Talk--
Dr. Evil: (speaking gibberish)
Scott: If you just--
Dr. Evil: (speaking gibberish)
Scott: Just--
Dr. Evil: (speaking gibberish)
Scott: One time--
Dr. Evil: Zip it. Unveil the time portal.

(Spinning out of control on his chair) All I asked for was a fricking rotating chair, OK?! Okay, getting a little afraid. I need an old priest and a young priest. The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you! Whoa, hello! Okay, sick as a dog now. (spits) Okay. Gonna vom...

Dr. Evil: [with coffee on his nose] Frau Farbissina, Wie geht es Ihnen? (How are you)
Frau: Sehr gut, Herr Doctor. (Very good, Doctor.)
Dr. Evil: How are things?
Frau: I have come to embrace the love that dare not speak its name. To my right is my lover. [reveals tough female] We met at the LPGA Tour. Her name is Unibrou. [Unibrou reveals her one-eyebrow]
Dr. Evil: Right on. Welcome Unibrou.
[Number Two looks around as if he thinks they're crazy]
Frau: Doctor, you, uh... [points to the nose]
Dr. Evil: What, what?
Frau: You've got a...little milk-nose...mustache.
Dr. Evil: [looks at himself in a mirror] I know, I know. I meant to. That's how we drink it in Belgium. It's called a Belgian Dip.

Austin: Who sent you?!
Mustafa: You'll have to kill me.
Austin: Who sent you?!
Mustafa: Kiss my ass, Powers!
Austin: Who sent you?!
Mustafa: Dr. Evil!
Felicity: That was easy.
Austin: That was easy.
Felicity: Why did you tell us?
Mustafa: I can't stand to be asked the same question 3 times. It just irritates me.
Austin: Where is Dr. Evil hiding?
Mustafa: Why would he tell me? I'm just one of his low-level functionaries.
Austin: Where is Dr. Evil hiding?
Mustafa: You'll have to torture me. I'll never tell you.
Austin: (quickly) Where's Dr. Evil hiding?!
Mustafa: Damn! 3 times! He's hiding in the secret volcano lair.
Austin: Where is Dr. Evil's secret volcano lair?
Mustafa: (spits) I spit at the question.
Austin: Do I really have to ask you 2 more times?
Mustafa: Go to hell, Powers.
Austin: Fine. Where is Dr. Evil's secret... volcano... lair?
Mustafa: I will take it to the grave with me.
Felicity: AHA! You have to answer. He asked you 3 times.
Mustafa: No, no, no! The second question was: "Do I really have to ask you 2 more times?", so that would be the first question in a new line of questioning, and wouldn't count in the other line of questioning.
Austin: He's right.

Dr. Evil: The key to this project is the giant laser, which was invented by the noted Cambridge physicist, Dr. Parsons. So therefore, it is fitting to call it: "The Alan Parsons Project".
[Scott snickers]
Dr. Evil: What?
Scott: The Alan Parsons Project was a progressive rock band from 1982. Why don't you just name it Operation Wang Chung, ass?

Dr. Evil: [Dr. Evil and Scott are at the Jerry Springer Show] Hello, Scott. Daddy's back.
Scott: How could you do this to me? On national television?!
Dr. Evil: Well, throw me a frickin' bone here, Scott.
Scott: Why'd you run out on me?
Dr. Evil: Because you're not quite evil enough.
[audience starts "aw"ing]
Dr. Evil: [to audience] Well, it's true. [to Scott Evil] You're quasi-evil. You're semi-evil. You're the margarine of evil. You're the Diet Coke of evil. Just one calorie. Not evil enough.
Man with white hood (Apparently a member of the Ku Klux Klan): What are you, some kinda freak?!
[audience laughing]:
Scott: [stands up] Shut up, you (bleep)!
Dr. Evil: OK, come on.
Man with white hood: [stands up, too] I'll kick your (bleep), punk.
Scott: Bring it on, you skanky (bleep)!
Dr. Evil: No one talks to my son like that. It's okay, Scott. (to man with white hood) You mother(bleep)! (stands up and attacks man with white hood)
(audience going crazy, as well as numerous bleeping, Jerry's bodyguards stopping the fighting people):
Dr. Evil: (yelling at man with white hood) You were born in your mother's (bleep)!
Audience: (chant) Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

[Austin picks up a boiling pot, with a stool sample from Fat Bastard inside]
Austin: Cor blimey, Basil— this coffee smells like shit.
Basil: It is shit, Austin.
Austin: Oh good, then it's not just me. [he drinks and smacks his lips while everyone else there looks on with disgust] It's a bit nutty.

Austin: ("Vanessa" tries choking him) Vanessa! You're a fembot!
Vanessa: No shit, Sherlock! (throws Austin aside and releases machine guns in breasts)
Austin: Machine gun jubblies? How did I miss those, baby?
Vanessa: Perhaps next time you should try foreplay.
Austin: Right. (to himself) Oh, my God!
("Vanessa" shoots her machine guns to Austin and stops firing as Austin uses the white flag to surrender)
Dr. Evil's voice: Here's your wedding present, Mr. Powers. A kamikaze bride from me: Dr. Evil. (countdown reaches zero. Head explodes, destroying bits of the hotel room)
Austin: (unharmed, checks to see if his crotch is intact) Oh, thank God.

[To Felicity] Of course I'm not happy! Look at me, I'm a big fat slob! I've got bigger titties than you do! I've got more chins than a Chinese phone book! I've not seen my willy in two years, which is long enough to declare it legally dead! [On the verge of tears] I can't stop eating. I eat because I'm unhappy, and I'm unhappy because I eat. It's a vicious cycle. Now, if you'll excuse me, there's someone I'd like to get in touch with and forgive...myself. [Farts] Sorry. I farted.

Dr. Evil: Ladies and gentlemen, I have a plan. I have developed-- (The espresso machine in the back suddenly makes a deafening noise as Dr. Evil continues to explain his plan to his cabinet though no words are heard)
Dr. Evil: No? Nothing? Ladies and gentlemen, I have developed-- (The espresso machine goes off again and Dr. Evil patiently waits for it to stop)
Dr. Evil: Number Two, if that happens once more, I'm gonna have your balls for breakfast. Okay? Yeah. Denny's style.
Austin Powers: Would you happen to know a man named Mr. Evil?
Robin Swallows: I don't know anyone named Dr. Evil.
Austin Powers: Really? I said Mr. Evil. ... Would you care for something to drink? Would you like a Mr. Pepper?
Robin Swallows: I would love a Dr. Pepper.
Austin Powers: Really? I said Mr. Pepper.
Felicity Shagwell: You were married? I can't believe that! You were a famous swinger! What was her name?
Austin Powers: Vanessa. She was a special woman. It really broke my heart when she turned out to be a robot.
Felicity Shagwell: You mean she was uptight and never expressed her feelings?
Austin Powers: No, I mean she was constructed of plastic, wire, fore bearings, and what have you. Yeah. She had a tin clunge.

The 70s and the 80s? You're not missing anything! I looked into it. There's a gas shortage and a flock of seagulls. That's about it!

Ivana: Ivana. Ivana Humpalot.
Austin: Excuse me?
Ivana: Ivana Humpalot.
Austin: And Ivana Toilet-Seat-Made-Out-Of-Solid-Gold, but its just not in the cards now, is it? [laughs]

I want my baby back baby back baby back baby back baby back baby back ribs... Chili-i-i-i-i's Baby back ribs.

(As Robin Swallows and Austin fall from Austin's apartment.) Robin Swallows: The fall will kill us both, Powers!
(Austin moves Swallows in front of him to both break his fall and kill her as well. They land hard on the sidewalk.) Robin Swallows: You can't win, Powers.
(Patty O'Brien looks over the edge, reloads his submachine gun and opens fire.) Austin: Why won't you die?!